The Hot Glove is taking its weekly picks show on the road this week to beautiful Bloomington, Indiana. That’s right your boy Danimal is going to the IU vs. Michigan game to see the Hoosiers trounce the most overrated team in the country, the Michigan Wolverines. I’ll be collecting all the inside info you people have come to expect. I’m talking interviewing players, slapping Rich Rodriguez in his smug face, and spitting game at ESPN’s newest minx Jenn Brown. Might have to make a keyhole video of her if she’s staying at the Motel 6 like I am. Here’s this week’s picks:
Oklahoma St. -3 vs Texas A&M
Utah St. +5 vs BYU
Indiana +10.5 vs Michigan
UConn -7.5 vs Vanderbilt
Virginia Tech -4 vs NC State
Air Force -10 vs Navy
Illinois +17.5 vs. Ohio St.
Penn St. +7 vs Iowa
Oregon -7 vs Stanford
PS
When I say I’m going to the game, I really mean I’ll be supporting the team from the tailgate field. Got my portable tailgate all setup, keg tub filled with Keystone Light and Rumplemintz, and am ready to spit game at the new freshman chicks.
Before we get going on the picks this week I just wanted to point out a little fact. Last week the underdogs went 10-5. What the Fuck? That shit is not supposed to happen until week 13 or 14 not week 2. Week 2 is supposed to be fairly predictable. Thankfully I’m a master at not only never admitting my faults but also deflecting all blame on to others. So the lesson as always is, its not my fault that I sucked, its the NFL’s. Fuck you NFL.
I didn’t really mean that, I love you with all my heart NFL, I just talk crazy sometimes.
Picks…
Atlanta @ New Orleans -3.5 - Saints got lucky to escape with a W on Monday night and their defense looks vulnerable, but I just can’t bring myself to back Matt Ryan at the Superdome. I swear to god his line every week is the exact same 15-24, 205 yd, 1 td. No more matty ice, its matty “Anything over 8 yards is an incompletion”.
Buffalo @ New England -13.5 - The Pats played one of the worst second halves I have ever seen last week. If they duplicate that performance they will win by 3 touchdowns.
Pitt-2.5 @ Tampa Bay - Chaz Batch Alert. Chaz Batch Alert. I fucking love Chaz Batch. Something about him just screams NFL quarterback. Guy can throw lasers out there.
Sidenote- Did everyone know Ronde Barber was still in the league? That was a complete mindfuck. I guess I kind of assumed that he and Tiki retired together.
Sidenote 2 - Who wins in a smiling contest Hines Ward or Ronde? Those guys just love to play football.
Dallas @ Houston -3 - This has trap game written all over it but I don’t give a fuck. I watched the Cowboys play last week and they Stink. Jason Garret somehow went from the genius of offense to a 5 year old doodling with crayons in a matter of minutes. Must be all that time he’s been spending with Shit For Brains Phillips. Dumb is contagious people, be careful.
I’m pretty sure if I keep dominating with my picks I can get the girl on the left to be my girlfriend, so I got that going for me me which is nice. And gambling is legal is Las Vegas, so it looks like it’s a match made in heaven.
Steelers vs Titans Under 37.5 - Both defenses are back and both qb’s are suspect. As long as Pitt keeps CJ from breaking long ones this game is going to be real low scoring.
After going .500 last week, I had a conference with Sinbad and Kathy Ireland who were former All-Americans at Texas State. The Armadillos might have started out slow, but just as Manumana “The Slender” blew up two-time All-American LB Harlan “Flat-top” Meyers face, The Hot Glove’s picks are gonna knock your bookie out this week. Boom Boom.
Love the double monday night football. Nothing like burning all 6 hours with some extra football on a Monday Night.
Ravens +1 vs NY Jets - Did the Jets win the 2009 Super Bowl because it sure feels like it. I honestly have never seen a 9-7 team get more undeserved hype in my entire life. They beat a 1 dimensional Bengals team and a Chargers team that loses every year in the first round. Lets wait until they do something for real during the season before we start sucking any popsicles.
Chargers -4 vs Chiefs - This line makes me nervous. The Chargers won the west last year and beat the Chiefs by an average of 29.5 point in their two games. So what has changed? Chargers lost a couple defensive names and the Chiefs young defense is a year older but that shouldnt change the game that drastically. I think the Chargers win by a 7-10 points.
Guess who has the Big Cat’s other turtle dove? That’s right the NFL. Hello old friend, oh how I missed thee.
Full season predictions coming tomorrow, picks today.
Carolina Panthers +6.5 @ NYG - Now I know the Panthers lost Peppers and have Matt Moore at QB but have we all forgotten the 41-9 whooping the Panthers put on the Giants to close out the old Giant Stadium. What has changed so drastically since? Game is closer than people think.
Dolphins -3 @ Bills - I’m so looking forward to the Bills being 1-4 and then pulling a mild upset week 7 against the Ravens while Chris Berman shouts “no one circles the wagon like the Buffalo Bills”. That saying just never gets old.
Bengals @ Patriots -4.5 - Tom Brady got his new contract and all is right in the world in Foxboro. The Pats defense is suspect but it won’t be a problem here because the Bengals don’t have a big play offense. This game will be ugly but New England wins by a td.
Falcons @ Steelers +2 - Betting on Dennis Dixon, scary proposition but I like the Steelers D with Polamalu back, and Dixon is a wild card that can keep a poor defense like the Falcons on their toes.
Detroit @ Bears -6.5 - WAM pointed out this morning that the Bears have a weird confidence that has come from seemingly nowhere. I couldn’t agree more except when you play the Lions, because when you play the Lions that confidence comes from playing the Lions.
Browns +3 @ Bucs - How much money would I have to pay you to watch every play in this game? I wouldn’t do it for a penny less than $1,000.
Broncos @ Jags -2.5
Colts -2 @ Texans - This line makes absolutely no sense to me. The AFC champions playing Week 1 against a team that can never beat them and they’re giving less than a FG. This is a don’t think just throw line. Just wait until Manning opens the game with a 10 play 9 minute drive and be happy you are on the right side of this one.
Raiders @ Titans -6 - If Vince Young can’t cover a 6 point line against the Raiders he should just kill himself.
Packers @ Eagles +3 - I actually love the Packers this year but with that said I am always wary of the “hot” team coming into the season, add to the fact that you get points in Philly and I’m staying away from A-Rodg and his mustache.
49ers -3 @ Seahawks - Why is everyone all of a sudden on Alex Smith’s dick? Where did that come from. The 49ers will win the west which is sort of like being the world’s tallest midget.
Cardinals -4 @ Rams - I guess we now know what Kurt Warner is worth in gambling. If he was starting this game the Cards would be double digit favorites.
Cowboys @ Redskins +3.5 - Another one of those “hot” teams that everyone is talking about. Redskins always get up to play the boys, lets just hope they got Jim Zorn’s stink off of them.
ahhhhhhh didn’t page down far enough.
- aaron rodgers
i take it the bears-packers game will get its own entry? And what’s with all the typos?
- aaron rodgers
Hey if you’re not careful I’ll shock your ass from time to time.
- Big Cat
I’m literally w/o speech after seeing you use the word “magnanimous”
- Biff
Agreed.
- Ciaran
Fuck Pete Carroll and his overly joyous face
- Brian