No guts no glory dude. That’s heart, determination, and a whole lot of uncoordinated desk chair ability right there.

PS

You got smoked by the tomboy that hangs out with the crew, embarrassing.

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I’m not even a Jazz fan or a fan of Russian people in general but I need this painting so fucking bad. I mean you can’t build a world renowned art collection if you’re not willing to take a few risks. And when Andrei Kirilenko is saying come hither with an eagle on his shoulder and a bear riding his dick, well thats the type of risk worth taking.

So, so long $5,000, hello Andrei Kirilenko war/bear painting and ramen noodle dinners for the next 6 months. If that’s the price you have to pay for true beauty then so be it.

Thanks to borgs for the tip

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The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

Spy’s Take - Disgusting

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Well I need to talk about some music since its been a while since I have. When people think of music in the 90s they think of how teen spirit smells or how Janie’s got a gun. But the only thing that runs through my mind are fat asses. Booty dropping bums.  Raunchy rumps. Flirtatious fannys. Eye popping Keisters. No one and I sure as shit fucking mean NO ONE ever got my point across like Sir Mix-a-lot did.

First off he throws ups some serious tail in the opening shot just swaying back and forth like the prostitute Christian Bale gets in American psycho to have a 3–some with as she is dancing in bedroom before he tells her “don’t just stare at it, eat it”. Bam I’m hooked like whoa, lets just say ol’ fat bastard needed to change out of his sweat pants.

Then his lyrical genius starts to get me going like MLKs I had a dream speech. Shivers up my spine, possible heart attack I was getting so pumped up. Seriously tell me you would not walk into battle with Sir Mix-a-lot after he spits this hot fire on your tits like this;

“So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin’ workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don’t want none
Unless you’ve got buns, hun”

Whos Fonda? I don’t like Fonda. Fonda sounds like she does not have a butt and is trying to make other women not have butts. That’s uncool Fonda, and don’t tell me you don’t have a motor in the back of your Honda because Hondas motors are in the front of the car. My response? (read with beat from baby got back going on)

Listen up Fonda

Making me ponder

Should I run you over with my Honda

Or kill you with my anaconda

Then go relax in my sauna

And play with all the fauna

Give some money to Ghana

As you lay in the hospital with trauma

UMMM yea, move over Biggie and Weird Al Yank-a-dick there’s a new sheriff in town

But what else makes Sir Mix-a-lot the frontrunner for president (yep changed gears and think that if he know Americans this well he should represent them.) are the little things. His stage is none other than a 20-foot ass. That’s right 20 feet of booty. You know how bad that would smell, yet Sir Mix-a-lot bleached that ass so well he was able to perform his oral to the fans on it. (singing is now called performing oral FYI) Or the best line of the whole song: “LA face with an Oakland booty”. I mean the raiders are terrible and I would never find myself at a game, but if there is booty like that in Oakland sign me up. Biggest raiders fan ever. Just bought a Campbell  and Hayward-Bay Jersey.

Overall this song sums up my life. Never been in a car accident but I know I will when I run a red looking at some bend-backwards booty.

-Fat Bastard

P.S. stumbled across this 90s band – Huffamoose. They are incredible and love the finger bang guitar-strumming move at around 1:30. They all look like nerds and can play the shit out of their instruments. Sorry the audio is terrible but its all made up for with the chick rollerblading in the beginning. Nice job klutz.

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Hey Mel, Bobby Valentine called, he wants his mustache back. Newsflash bro,  your disguise isn’t fooling anyone here.

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(Sept. 15) — It doesn’t take a Mel Gibson tirade to know that people say dumb things when they’re drunk. But new evidence shows that drinking is bad for your image even if you don’t open your mouth.

In fact, according to a working paper from the University of Michigan’s Scott Rick and the University of Pennsylvania’s Maurice Schweitzer, just holding a glass of alcohol makes you look stupid. It does not matter if you’re male or female, or whether you drink beer or wine — if people see you drinking, they think you’re dumber than you’d otherwise appear. “It hurts you,” Rick tells AOL News.

Corbis

The study conducted five experiments. One had people judge photographs of others holding an alcoholic drink, a non-alcoholic one or nothing. Another experiment tested how persuasive a speech would be if the audience knew the speaker was drinking alcohol or something nonalcoholic. In both cases, alcohol dimmed the perceived intelligence of the people holding the drinks.

The most damning and universally applicable finding, however, came from the experiment that melded alcohol and job-seeking. Let’s say a potential employer takes you, the potential employee, to dinner. The study shows that when you order a glass of wine or a beer, the employer views you as less desirable — even if the employer orders a drink as well.

You know how there are critics of Stem Cell Research and Cloning, saying that science is going to far and asking when is enough enough. Well we just found out when too much science is a bad thing because this study just pushed me straight over the edge. Honestly, fuck science. This is just a bunch of bullshit right here. Holding a drink makes you look dumb? Really? Well how about this guy…

Looks pretty fucking smart to me. Or this guy…

That’s the definition of class right there. Or even this guy….

Snake, beer, same thing. My point is that this study is an absolute crock of shit because I just proved it wrong in 3 seconds. So keep doing your research  scientists and I’ll keep owning your ass on stone cold facts 24/7.

PS

Any surprise it was a Michigan guy who wrote this? “Hey, no one will drink a beer with me because I suck so I’ll just tell everyone they’re stupid”. Grow up dude.

Thanks to rochey for the tip

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Milk, check. Funyons, check. Eggs, check. Blacked out girlfriend, check. I seriously don’t know whats funnier in this video, the fact that this guy is just doing work with those groceries in his cart like this happens all the time or that everyone in Wal-Mart doesnt even blink. It’s like the entire world was not surprised to see a blacked out chick in a shopping cart. Bizarre.

“Here comes Randy and his drunk girlfriend Sarah, those two lovebirds always do their shopping on Wednesday nights”.

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Glendale, AZ (The Weekly Vice) - Matthew Douglas Hicks, a 32-year-old Arizona man was jailed Saturday after he was allegedly caught taking a bath in a woman’s pool before climbing out and pleasuring himself against a glass door of her home.

According to the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office, a woman called 911 after she found Hicks naked, taking a bath in her backyard pool. The woman told deputies that Hicks soaped himself down in the pool, and then climbed out to do something even more bizarre.

Accord to the arrest report, Hicks reportedly walked up to the resident’s glass door and proceeded to commit a lewd act up against it.

Investigators say deputies arrived to find Hicks walking away from the house wearing nothing but rubber boots. He reportedly explained that his vehicle had been towed and that he wasn’t sure how he arrived at residence, but admitted to taking a bath in the woman’s pool.

When deputies asked about the lewd act committed on the door, he reportedly responded by asking “She saw me?”

Give me a fucking break Matthew Douglas. “She saw me”? Seriously dude? You know fully well that this lady saw you j-o in her face. That was your plan from the beginning. Take a quick bath, clean your stank ass up, then show off your goods and see if this lady was down to party.

No one is blaming you here for getting naked in a rando person’s pool and giving said rando a free show. That was a power move, trying to kick the party up a level. But you know the rules just as well as I do. If you j-o in someones face and they don’t like what they see you have to take it like a man and move on. Don’t get all upset because this lady sent her order back. You took a risk, it failed, now deal with the consequences.

PS

It seems like having a pool in Arizona or Florida is just not worth it. Like yeah its awesome to beat the heat every now and then, but the downside is you have to watch some guy masturbate in your face while you eat meatloaf with your wife and kids. Just doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

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I’ve never watched a second of Oprah so I have no idea what actually goes on in that crazy studio in the West Loop. Is this normal? Just a bunch of middle aged women pissing and shitting themselves, screaming like a bunch of wild banshees? Because if that’s true then I think I just found my new nightmare. Fuck the ants and that weird sea thing. My only fear in life is being swarmed by a bunch of menopausal crazy Oprah fans that are GOING TO AUSTRALIA!!!

PS

Whats up with that guy at :44 seconds? Whats his story? Like cool dude you’re going to Australia for free, but is it really worth it?

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I’m Not Fucking With That Crew

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