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.WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK

• Wisconsin?  Back-to-back wins over top 15 teams are making believers out of a lot of people.
• Iowa?  Well, as a Badger, I’m just happy it was someone else’s special teams costing them a game.
• Ohio State?  Sorry, Purdue.
• Michigan State?  Could they be any more similar to Iowa last year?
• Northwestern?  You’re really annoying, do you know that?  Seriously.
• Minnesota?  YOU ARE SO BAD AT FOOTBALL.

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.THE MOUNTAIN CREEK GAME OF THE WEEK

#5 MICHIGAN STATE @ #18 IOWA, 2:30 ABC

.We stay in Iowa City for the MCGotW, as undefeated Sparty comes to town looking to continue their magical run towards an unexpected Big Ten Championship.  And as I just said, this MSU team reminds me A TON of 2009 Iowa.  The fake field goal against ND, the comeback with the bobble-catch TD in Evanston… how long can the magic last?  And did you know their trip to Chicago last week was their first game outside the state of Michigan this season?  Yeah, they beat a damn good Wisconsin team - but at home.  Taking down a pissed off Iowa squad in Iowa’s house will NOT be easy.

Wisconsin’s offensive line kept Clayborn in check, but I have a feeling he’s gonna have a huge game for the Hawkeyes.  And that will be vital: Iowa needs to get pressure on Cousins.  If there’s one thing I know, you give a solid-to-good QB enough time, and he’ll pick you apart.  I’d expect MSU to come out running the ball, trying to set up the pass and keeping the D honest in the process.  I mean, it’s not like they’re a poor running team - they’re great.  And they’ll definitely put some points up, but I don’t think they crack 30 like UW did.  In fact, I don’t think Iowa cracks 30 either.   This should be a hotly contested match up between 2 teams with title aspirations - Big 10 for Iowa, National for MSU.

Oh yeah, go Hawkeyes.

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LEGENDS OF THE HBO LOOP

As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop.  Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.

Braveheart

FUCK AND YES.  You need to forget the fact that Mel Gibson is batshit insane (or don’t, because it’s hilarious and a never-ending source of amazingness).  Gibson freakin’ KILLED it in Braveheart as William Wallace - possibly one of the top 10 badasses in world history (and certainly deserving of some Macho Man Monday love, right Big Cat?).  Let’s look at Wallace’s life:

• Could sling rocks better than a Detroit crackhead
• Walked through a literal room of death when he was a wee lad
• Banged/secretly married the only attractive woman in Scotland, only to have her get her throat slit
• Cut the shit out of the dude who slit her throat, immediately becoming a legend
• Started sacking English garrisons and towns like he was some freakish hybrid of Clay Matthews and JJ Watt
• WTF is a garrison?
• Figured out that fucking up the horses was a lot easier than trying to kill the guys on them (we’ll build spears… HUNDREDS OF THEM)
• Gave one of the top 7 speeches… of all-time:

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.Also, I’m loving the description that the guy who uploaded this video wrote:

LISTEN TO HIS SPEECH CAREFULLY. Mel Gibson, an excellent Aussie-American Hollywood actor starring as the “William Wallace” character in the movie - BRAVEHEART - based on a real story took place in Scotland.

William Wallace gave his fellow country-men a freedom speech against the tyrant English(Anglo-Saxons)King’s Royal/Evil Armies.

Scotts and Irishs want to have their own independence from the corrupt-brutal Royal Kindom of England.

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I mean, if this person is American, I’m fucking horrified.  Irishs?  Really?

Anyway, back to the movie.  Other than Wallace, who just clowned on everyone who got in his way (until he basically said ‘F it, I’m ready to go, torture the shit out of me, I’m the toughest guy ever’), Braveheart features one of my top 5 favorite fictional characters*: Stephen, the Irishman.

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His introduction to the Scots is downright genius.  Most people are scared of encountering William Wallace.  Stephen?  “I’m prettier than this man!”  Not more attractive, not more handsome, but prettier.  Says the guy with the nasty-ass beard.  Somehow, by virtue of his general kickass nature, Stephen ascends to Wallace’s #2 (after huge-beard-man, who I’m better off now knowing his name).  Safe to say that saving Wallace’s ass out in the woods immediately earned him some points.

While all of this is going on, WW keeps rolling heads, even clipping Scottish Nobles who made deals with Longshanks.  I mean, I would poo all over myself if WW stomped into my chamber on a horse and walked that beast up on my bed.  That’s how you get revenge.  It’s not a dish best served cold, it’s a dish best served to the temple with a bowling ball on a chain.  War back then was the most hardcore stuff ever.  Cuttin’ legs off, stabbing people, getting hit with random arrows and having to break that shit off… damn.  BTW, I would TOTALLY be an archer if I had to serve in some medieval war.  I guess I’m a huge pussy, but it seems a little bit safer hanging in the back by the King poppin’ off arrows than charging head on with a sword.  And this is a situation where I would be totally content being a pussy.  Whatever, I’m not gonna get my arm chopped off from behind while I’m dueling some English prick.  And if I had to be in the trenches?  I would absolutely go find people engaged in fights and chop their arms off.  When you’re in war, there is no fighting dirty.  BUT THERE IS RIDIN’ DIRTY.

And just in case all the shit he pulled wasn’t enough, Wallace goes and gets the Princess of Wales to fall madly in love with him.  He also knocks her up.  That guy must have been the most potent man ever.  I bet his sperm were fucking merciless.  Her egg stood no chance.  Wallace lead his country to freedom, knocked up the only other hot chick in the world back then (actually, her little assistant was pretty cute too, I bet huge-beard-man was all over that after Wallace’s beheading), and gave us one final memorable moment:

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Oh, that reminds me: could the Prince be any more pathetic?  I guarantee the Princess could just kick the crap out of him ten times over.

There’s a good chance I’m skipping over like 9 different parts of the movie that are worth mentioning, that’s just inevitable in an awesome movie that’s 3 hours long (I love long movies).  Doesn’t change the fact that Braveheart is a must watch event for me whenever it’s on.

*In no order: Stephen, John Locke (LOST), Randy Marsh (South Park), George Costanza (Seinfeld, you dumbass), Jimmy McNulty (The Wire - this show is the TRUTH, get on that if you haven’t)

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.THE “I WOULDN’T WATCH EVEN IF I WERE AN ALUM” GAME

NORTHWESTERN @ INDIANA

NORTHWESTERN AND INDIANA.  11:00 AM.  HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS.

This game is just all sorts of disgusting.  How many people will actually be in the stadium for it?  17?  4?  Hoosier fans don’t even go to the good games, let alone the nausea-inducing crapfest that’s coming to Bloomington this Saturday.  I would say these teams define mediocrity, but I’m not in the business of dishing out compliments in this section.  I bet there are pee wee football games with better attendance than this traveshamockery of a game.  FACT: in that Hawks game where Bombay dinged the iron, there were more passionate fans than at any Indiana football game.  IT’S NOT WORTH WINNING IF YOU CAN’T WIN BIG.

And seriously Northwestern?  You just refuse to cooperate.  What was your lead?  17-0?  I mean, clearly you weren’t gonna just run MSU out of the building.  But you couldn’t hold on, could you?  Now I’m ready to bring some hate.

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MORE REASONS WHY NORTHWESTERN IS THE LAMEST SCHOOL IN A BCS CONFERENCE

Read this.

He also discouraged “ghetto,” “pimps and hos” and “gangsta” parties at the esteemed Evanston university.

That’s from an email from NU Dean of Students Burgwell Howard.  Gotta be the whitest name ever, right?

And lest there be any confusion, Howard provided students with a list of questions to ask before selecting one’s Halloween attire: Is the costume based on making fun of real people or cultures? Does the costume promote cultural myths? Could someone take offense to it?

Wait.  You mean people wear costumes on Halloween that don’t make fun of people, cultures, and offend others?  Does this guy expect everyone to throw on a white sheet and dress as a ghost?  Hey Burgwell, my dead relatives find your ghost costume incredibly offensive.  Cut that shit out.

Kellyn Lewis, a junior who organized the campus forum after last year’s incident, said the e-mail sends an important message about the university’s commitment to inclusivity.  Lewis added that he’s not dressing up for Halloween this year because he has class papers that are due.

Oh holy fuck.  I’m literally dying here just reading that.  Let’s take advice on costumes from the king of all the nerdbombers who’s spending Halloween weekend in his laboratory writing thesis statements.  Scratch Stephen, Big Cat, we found our next focus of Macho Man Monday.

Earlier this month, Evanston residents complained to village and school officials about hard-partying NU students being rude, leaving piles of garbage on front yards and urinating on people’s property.

To which I say: ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME NORTHWESTERN.  It’s good to know that at least a few of them know how to party.  Being rude, throwing garbage everywhere and public urination are 3 vital elements of any good night out.  I was seriously considering writing a letter to Obama demanding that Northwestern be removed from the Big 10, but I’m willing to hold off now knowing that there’s a handful of Wildcats out there that aren’t afraid to have a good time.  And Evanston?  Yeah, I know it’s Northwestern, but if you voluntarily live in a college town (or just a town that happens to contain a college), you automatically waive your right to complain about rudeness, garbage, and urine.  Just a fact.  Sorry guys.

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.RANDOMLY AWESOME SONG THAT CAME ON PANDORA THIS WEEK

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.Not only is this song just a jam, but it gave me a great bout of Drúnkjà vu.  You know what I mean?  When something - a song, a noise, a picture, anything - immediately triggers a feeling inside you that reminds you of a moment where you were wasted.  For me, when this song came on at work, I felt myself standing on a bleacher inside Camp Randall at the OSU game rocking out to this with 80,000+ fellow Badgers.  Needless to say, getting any actual work done at that moment wasn’t possible.  Then I just started thinking of that game for an hour.  Good day.

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THE BRENT MUSBURGER “GETTIN’ SAUCED IN THE BOOTH” DRINK OF THE WEEK

Wop/Jungle Juice/Death in a garbage bag/pick your nickname.  Why?  Well, it being Halloween and all, I highly recommend to those of you going for the rager that you make up a batch of orange wop.  My parents warned me before I went to school Freshmen year about jungle juice.  “They put everclear in it, you can’t taste it and it’s basically pure alcohol”.  Apparently they come from the DARE line of thinking that Fat Bastard analyzed - were they tempting me to try it?  That shit is delicious and gets you rowdy in no time.  It’s also exceedingly fun to make when you see the absurd amount of hard, hard liquor that gets mixed in with all the cheap, shitty, knockoff pop/juice $10 can buy.  Wanna tempt death?  Bust out the beer bong and start ripping it like there’s no tomorrow.  Because there probably won’t be*.  OK, I have to arrange a wop party this weekend, so I gotta start wrapping this up.

*When you wake up in the hospital, do not blame me.

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.THE BEST GAMEDAY EXPERIENCES IN THE BIG 10

#5 – INDIANA

Excessive Drinking: 7 out of 10.  It’s kinda a silly tailgate.  ‘Let’s all go out in a big field and drink like we’re a bunch of hicks!’  But you know what?  It’s pretty fun.  And there’s no shortage of booze.  It’s clear that no one is there for the game, no one cares about it, and at Indiana that works.  They have a crappy team with an even crappier stadium, so if I were them I’d probably just drink out in a field all day as well.  And having been to IU multiple times, I can safely say that after Wisconsin, no school drinks more.  Well-done in that department, Hoosiers.

Food Availability: 3 out of 10.  I could almost give this an ‘incomplete’.  IDK, some people grill out at this field party I guess.  And there are probably some good places to grub at when you walk back towards whatever apartment/house/frat you’re staying at.  But to be perfectly honest, nothing really jumps out at me.

Getting To The Stadium: 8 out of 10.  Assuming you’re at the tailgate, you can stumble to the stadium quite easily.  I’ve never had a problem parking in B-town because, quite frankly, there’s not 80,000 people trying to park for a football game on a Saturday morning.  I also usually showed up on Fridays, so that was even easier.

Drinking Creativity: 4.5 out of 10.  Hmmm.  I mean, for the most part it’s just a bunch of bricks of stones (I TOTALLY sounded like an Indiana native referring to a case of Keystones like that).  Although I can vaguely recall some competitive drinking, and that’s always a plus in my book.  Nothing accelerates the morning quite like beer bong chug-offs.  So much school pride at stake…

Visiting Fan Treatment: 2 out of 10.  Outside of the douches who started throwing beers at some Badger fans when I was there, there just wasn’t any animosity.  No banter.  No friendly jabs at the opposing school.  And this just comes full circle to the fact that they don’t care about football at IU.  Too bad.

Overall? As I’m writing this, I realize that it may make Minnesota’s Gameday look better than IU’s.  It’s possible, I guess.  But something about drinking out in a big field, when it’s not 0 degrees, really worked in IU’s favor.  I wouldn’t recommend going down to B-town for a football game, but go any random weekend and I guarantee you’ll have a good time.

Now, we can all start praying that the Hawkeyes can find a way to expose the Spartans as the good-but-not-amazing team they really are.  Just let Stanzi call the timeouts in the 2 minute drill, mmmk?