Its the most annoying 2 weeks of the season. Fantasy Football Playoffs. It honestly doesn’t get any worse. Everyone wants to tell you about their matchup, wants advice on who they should start, tells you how they got screwed and how they should of won*. Newsflash dickfuck, no one cares about your fantasy team. Keep that shit to yourself. Or better yet, do what I do, and handle that shit on the field. Get your team properly motivated for their game, watch film on your opponent, get everyone focused. You think my players have motivation problems? Fuck no. Because I’m the best fantasy coach in the world.

*And No, I’m not bitter about this team missing the playoffs, I actually loved this team. They were so bad they ended up being good. Which makes no sense, kind of like drafting 3 Buffalo Bills.

Picks…

Detroit @ Tampa Bay -5.5 - Drew Stanton, you magnificent quarterback you. Leading your Lions to a whole SEVEN points. Is it too late to get Drew on the Pro Bowl Ballot?

Buffalo +5.5 @ Miami - At what point do you think I need to stop getting ice coffee? Or have I already reached the point of no return? Every time I go to get coffee they look at me like I have a gigantic dick hanging from my forehead. I get it, its cold as balls outside, but who cares, I like iced coffee. So, fuck you starbucks, don’t judge me. I’ll order ice coffees when its -10 degrees because I’m a man and I get to do what I want.

Jacksonville +4.5 @ Indianapolis - I’m so torn. Half of me wants the Colts to miss the playoffs because that would be awesome but the other half thinks no Colts in the playoff means no ill-timed  Peyton Manning interception. You see my dilemma here? It just wouldn’t be January if Peyton wasn’t throwing back breaking picks.

Houston +1.5 @ Tennessee - Just when you thought I had covered, Matt Schaub reels me back in.

Kansas City @ St Louis +1 - Did anyone ever think this game would mean anything before the season started? And now here we are in week 15 and this is THE most important game on Sunday without a doubt. Both the NFC and AFC West playoff race hinges on the winner of this game. NFL Parody, I fucking love you, you sexy beast.

Philadelphia +3 @ NY Giants - So Mike Vick wants a dog. I don’t know Mike maybe you should start with a cat or a fish just to see how that goes, you know walk before you run. Possibly a couple of red bettas, see how they get along.

New Orleans +1 @ Baltimore - People keep sleeping on those Saints because they’ve been overshadowed by Matt Ryan and his incredible luck streak. I bet they win this game by double digits and then Peter King writes a whole piece about the Saints being under the radar and how he was the only one watching them quietly win football games. Fuck off Peter King, I got dibs on that scoop like 3 weeks ago.

Arizona +2.5 @ Carolina - Hey look its the suck bowl.

Sidenote - Definitely take the Panthers this week. I’m finally going against them which means they will cover, guaranteed.

Washington @ Dallas -6 - Wait, is that Rex Grossman’s music??? Someone Fire up the Sex Cannon its time to throw some Picks!!!!

Cleveland  +1 @ Cincinnati - Cincinnati is like bizarro Philadelphia when they had Andy Reid and Donovan Mcnabb. How long are they going to let Carson Palmer and Marvin Lewis lose football games? Do they have an unlimited contract? Is it like the Supreme Court where they either retire or die?

Sidenote - My bitterness has nothing to do with betting on the Bengals last week and watching Carson Palmer throw TWO pick sixes, nothing at all.

Atlanta  @ Seattle +6 - We’re running out of weeks Pete, Were running out of weeks!

NY Jets @ Pittsburgh -6 - Have you seen a team implode faster than the Jets. And the best part is that theyre going to lose this week and next in Chicago. Hit that panic button Rex Ryan because your team is cooked.

Denver @ Oakland -6.5 - I was thinking of what I could say for this game and the only thing I could come up with is that Tom Cable looks like a guy that takes real nasty shits. Like everyone at Raiders headquarters probably knows not to go into the bathroom after Tom does work.

Green Bay @ New England -4.5 - So its cool that Aaron Rodgers is fast and all but someone may want to teach the guy how to slide. Losing to the Lions then getting killed by the patriots on national television is NOT a good look.

Season - 95-108-7