I can’t in good conscience do a Macho Man Monday when we are in the middle of the machoiest run in the history of machismo. Charlie Sheen is making us all look like a bunch of pussies, so instead of Macho Man Monday today, we’re doing the best Charlie Sheen quotes thus far. Its only fair.

“I’m not Bi-Polar, I’m Bi-Winning”

- You know how most people wish to win the lottery and be rich. Not me, I wish I was Bi-Winning

Reporter: “Are you clean right now?” Sheen: “Look at me, duh. drug tests don’t lie.”Reporter: “When was the last time you did drugs?”  Sheen: “I don’t know. score board doesn’t lie”

-No the scoreboard does not lie Charlie, especially the drug test scoreboard that we can all see, duh.

-If Charlie Sheen has been pretending not to be a total bitchin rock star from Mars what does that mean will happen when he does in fact stop pretending?

“I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets…”

-I was actually thinking the other day, what is tougher than nails? I couldn’t come up with anything. Totally forgot about battle tested bayonets. My bad.

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.”

- This might be my personal favorite. Not only did Charlie cure himself in a nanosecond but his success rate is 100 percent.

-Boom, Printed

“Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground”

“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

- I think we just found something more badass than bayonets. An F-18 with fire breathing fists.

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

- And this my friends is simple WINNING.