Some people are addicted to gambling while others have a little bit of a drinking problem. Personally my addictions stop at one, and that’s Where’s Waldo. Whether I am driving or running late for work I need to find Waldo and not just on one page…the front cover, the inside cover, every crazy scenario Waldo finds himself in, the back cover, all over the place! Fucking Waldo, guys got himself into some crazy ass shit too. Have you ever decided to just look at the cartoons that are drawn on the page. You got vikings fighting, flying carpets, vampires, food fights…the guy is living one hell of a life.
DO NOT WORRY, I WILL NOT INCLUDE ANY SPOILERS IN MY MOVIE REVIEW!
First and foremost, Bruce Willis is actually dead the whole entire movie, which you find out in the end. He was shot in the beginning and then with cheap camera tricks and a dumb wife who acts really cold and an even dumber husband who thinks he is actually alive, the viewer is stuck thinking that John Mclane is actually alive.
I hate flaws in movies. Can’t stand them…especially obvious ones. So to point out the largest of flaws this diarrhea of a movie is a must. Last time i checked “seeing dead people” is not the 6th sense. Where the hell did M. Night Shamalamading-dong get that wack ass idea? Wikipedia states extrasensory perception as being the 6th sense. In layman’s terms: “having a hunch”.
I have a hunch that I am going to eat 10 twinkies today.
I have a hunch that Victor Maitlin is more than a hot shot art dealer (Beverly Hills Cop 1 for all you clowns that didn’t get the reference)
I have a hunch that Dan Marino is a loser who is overrated…well actually that’s just a fact.
I have a hunch that I see dead people…See what I did there. That statement makes no sense. First of all because EVERYONE can see dead people. When you go to a funeral do you not see dead people? When you walk down the street and see all those people walking like zombies to their desk job, do you not see “dead People”.
Fat Bastard may eat at an unhealthy rate, but lets not finish boasting there…I drank sugar drinks at an even unhealthier rate.
I was a little bit slow growing up, always being in the “special” reading groups and not knowing how to read an analog clock until the 6th grade. So when I saw 10% real fruit juice on the cover of a Hi-C box I knew I needed to pound down 10 of those bad boys to get my 100% daily value. Little did i know that with those 10 boxes came 1,333% my daily sugar intake, 2/3 of my daily calorie intake and a lot of extra “chub”. Lets forget about those little details and focus on the important stuff for a minute….
DISCLAIMER…I know these video’s are not real but rather pasted together. This is how it would go down though if the 90s legends were around still.
God Bless the Rock. Seriously The Miz is such a joke. “Because I am the Miz…and I am Awesome!!!!”
What kind of tag line is that dude? Stone Cold is chuggin beers, The Rock is banging your wife. Triple H is banging the Bosses Daughter and then giving the boss pedigrees. 90′s wrestling was FUCKING AWESOME…
Hold the press! Evacuate the women and children! Cover your eyes!
why?
Because Fat Bastard needs to officially go on a diet…
What, thats impossible?
Just listen. So I sprained my knee cross country skiing a week ago (yes I know, Cross Country is for losers but when youre poor because you spend all your money taking out supermodels 8 days a week thats what happens). I was sitting in the ol` MDs office and decided to open up the magazine WebMD. Thinking maybe get a tip here or there about a healthier way to eat, or sleeping less than 8 hours can make a day tougher. Boy was I wrong…The first page I open to is talking about obesity and has a disgusting diagram of a tub of lard with love handles bending in a way I still think is physically impossible. Whats at the lower right hand side of that page? THE FUCKING BMI (Body Mass Index) CHART! Essentially my worst nightmare.
Fat Bastard is officially obese…I honestly dont know what to do with myself. My mother still to this day told me that even at 23 years old I have excess baby fat that will go away after some time. My dad just said I was big boned. This chart just told me i was OBESE…
Then I got to thinking…I go to the gym. I lift. I do my cardio. Maybe I am just a beast, you know? like the second coming of Ray Lewis only white and Fatter. But in all honesty, I stared at the chart and said “I lift, probably have more muscle than the average person, which that chart is using as its barometer, and thus weigh more. Then I read the figure legend at the bottom and no joke word for word it states
“The BMI index is absolutely correct, unless you are a muscular professional athlete”
Definitely a category I did not fit into…
So there it is. Some of you ask well what does this have to do with the 90s? Lets just say thats where I picked up my clearly disturbing eating habits and you did too…fat ass!
-Fat Bastard
P.S. Anyone wanna get a few bacon double cheeseburgers with me later on?
SNOW SNOW SNOW!!! more like rain rain rain…wow today sucks grundle.
Realistically though I hate today and the fucking weathermen (besides Nic Cage in weatherman) who said 8-12 inches here in Boston. There I am getting ready to do a little shoveling and hanging around my house today catching up on Call of Duty and porn watching but rather is just snowed 3 inches then rained on top of it…Clearly that just means you get to shovel snow that weighs close to a pick up truck every fucking scoop and then drag your sorry ass to work. I feel like if I drank 15 beers right now I wouldn’t even be drunk…not because I am claiming I have this ridiculously high tolerance, but because that is just how the day is going…If I do something…the opposite thing happens to me.
I honestly cannot think of anything worse than a fake snow day
SO i was going to talk about shit like “The Lion King” or other shitty movies like that but today I am going to talk about subway the restaurant and frankly the gnarly 90s just might turn into a fast food restaurant guide from here on out.
I was trying to figure out if this day was a good one or a bad one (cause it can only be one or the other). I woke up in a fantastic mood. You know when you just feel free and ready to let it loose thanking God that you live in America and not China or Communist Russia sledding off roofs for fun. I even went commando (no undies) to work just to let the boys catch some extra air. Then I forgot dressing for my salad so I went to subway and thats where it all went wrong. And yes I ordered the meatball cause it has the most calories, but here is my gripe.
that story is ridiculous hahahaha even more disturbing is the foot note!
- libby
1) I think you can safely assume that THG readers know what going commando means.
2) Subway is terrible. The Meatball sub, while good, is the messiest thing in the world (see your picture). However, the Chipotle Southwest sauce is fucking incredible and I could drink it by the gallon.
First and foremost I have now come up with a new name for chucky cheeses where pedophiles hang out…Chubby Cheeses
Being a New Englander, the past few days have been rough. Actually so rough they have caused me to gain 6 pounds since Sunday. See when the Pats lose, my ability to function also goes out the window along with adding 3000 calories to my diet. I have yet to eat a home cooked meal or a self made lunch at work because of it. Subway? sounds good. 6 grams of fat or less subs? No thank you. Footlong Meatball (1160 cal. 70 carbs and 1500 mg sodium) sounds better. Salad for dinner? Sure with a side of 2 double cheese burgers and 2 large fries thank you very much, oh and hold the salad. My mom asks why I do this to myself and I simply respond. “Yo Adrian, I am in a bulking phase”. (Her name definitely is not Adrian FYI) You know where you eat a shit ton and gain serious muscle mass then afterwards cut all the fat and your jacked. My problem though is the lack of actually stepping foot into a gym. So I come to the best workout of all. Kriss Kross’s JUMP!
These little fuckers sure are in good shape. They make Billy Blanks look like a woman’s aerobic step class. Although the dance moves pale in comparison to Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer they literally have some of the most exhausting, stamina demanding moves I have ever seen. When this shit was played all throughout college I swear my vertical increased by 10 inches.
Well i couldn’t type because I needed to let my fingers thaw out, and let me tell you what does NOT speed that process up. Jenna Haze, Taylor Rain, and a fast moving right hand. See my dad pulled the best move a dad could pull. Park your car at the very beginning of the drive way so he only needs to shovel for 5 minutes to get out. Then leave the whole fucking driveway covered in 12+ inches of heavy snow for the slightly retarded, blogging phenom Fat Bastard. Besides shoveling the entire day though I did devour a whole vanilla cake with chocolate frosting and watched Predators (2010 version). So it was not all bad.
Why is there a picture of cross eyed zombie snow leopards?
Were you waiting for an answer to that question? me too…
On to the gnarly 90′s contest for best 1 hit wonder of the 90s. MC Hammer will be in discussion today.
Let me tell you something about this guy. He is one bossy mother fucker. “Can’t touch this” “Can’t touch that” blah blah blah. Honestly bro chill out on telling me what I can and cannot touch. With that being said he revolutionized the business. Parachute pants? I think Navy SEALs wear them in case of a freak accident and base jumping is necessary. Don’t believe me? check out MC doing his thing with a Rambo explosive tipped bow.
I am not one for boasting but that Beret is the best thing I have ever created in paint. MC on the other hand is one for boasting and in the beginning of his video even states how he won all these awards (that he actually didnt win) Here it is:
….
I give the edge to the Hammer. Although he is bossy he fucking knows how to last in the biz, parachute pants and all. Guy just oozed talent and other indefinable cool shit.
Over the next 3 weeks I will bring to light some of the best 1 hit wonders of the 90′s, giving them a grade on 3 criteria (lyrics, dance moves, trends set). MC Hammer will be next week and if there is anyone in particular whom you want to see for the third week, leave them in the comments.
Lyrics: Since I am the most talented person to ever walk on the Earth, it’s fair to say I can judge talent. Vanilla Ice? Now that’s a man who has talent. Take his build up to the chorus for example. This is actually Websters definition of a smooth transition:
If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it
Check out the hook while Shay revolves it
Seriously though, how many promises have you ever heard a rapper give? “If there was a problem yo I’ll solve it”. What a nice guy. Then politely tells you to check out the hook while the DJ played it. Then comes the best line of the whole rap. At the end of his song while they are repeating the chorus Vanilla Ice drops a nuke on the listeners.
Yo man let’s get out of here
Word to your mother
BOOM…Roasted
Grade: A - great lyrics and a long song, something you dont find too often
touche
- fat bastard
judging by the fact you mispelled farley, im not surprised you cant spell waldo
- KD