This is going to be an abbreviated Side Of Ranch today - things are pretty hectic as I try to wrap everything up before heading out to Pasadena. But don’t worry - we’ll be spreading the THG love out in California.
LEGENDS OF THE HBO LOOP
As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop. Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.
Wayne’s World
Just because I was caught up in Tommy Boy the other night, but how perfect is Rob Lowe for that semi-evil douchebag role? He kills it in T-Boy and Wayne’s World. Just this suave, good looking dude who absolutely has ulterior motives and isn’t afraid to screw people over to get what he wants. Wait, he was Soda in The Outsiders? That kinda flips my theory right on its ear, doesn’t it? Soda was one of the good guys, right? A Greaser? Damn. I guess Rob Lowe matured into an ass.
So why is Wayne’s World such a badass movie? Last week, it was two words. This week? It’s three:
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A gun rack? A gun rack.
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This is either the best or worst gift ever. Personally, I would set it on fire if it were given to me. But I can see some people being ecstatic over getting a gun rack. And stuff like this always makes me wonder… how did they decide on a gun rack for the random pointless gift? I figure the writing process went something like this:
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Writer #1: OK, we’ll have his mental ex-girlfriend get him some horribly stupid gift that he doesn’t want.
Writer #2: Hmmm. A sweater?
Writer #1: Nah, too boring.
Writer #2: Jewelry?
Writer #1: OH. I GOT IT. A gun rack.
Writer #2: A gun rack?
Writer #1: A gun rack.
Writer #2: THAT’S GOLD.
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When you break it down like that, writing a hit movies seems stupid easy, right? I think I’ll start working on my screenplay when I get back from LA. It seems much easier and much more lucrative than writing a book.
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This had to be the birth of rocking out in your car. And Bohemian Rhapsody is ABSOLUTELY the perfect song. But damnit, what’s with people named Phil? I’m 99% sure that everyone named Phil sucks at life. Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince is in that 1%. But I swear that everyone I know named Phil, Phillip, or anything else close to that is a freaking nutjob weirdo. In Wayne’s World, Phil just spends all his time partied out, ready to spew, honk, or any other puke synonym you wanna use.
Yup, ’tis the season: FESTIVUS IS HERE. Bust out your finest aluminum pole and gather around. Lord knows, I have grievances to be aired. I’ve got a LOT of problems with you people. There will be feats of strength. But first, it’s more Bruce Willis time! YES.
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LEGENDS OF THE HBO LOOP
As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop. Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.
Armageddon
You know what pisses me off? These fucking nerds who bitch about Armageddon not being scientifically accurate. “Oh, there’s no oxygen in space, OBVIOUSLY. How is that debris burning? Everyone knows you need oxygen to burn stuff!” Or how about this one:
There’s grass on the edge of the cliff when the Armadillo finally lands - look just under the Armadillo while the astronaut’s pulling himself up the road. Considering this is an airless, waterless asteroid, it doesn’t really fit…
Man, I bet you’re just the life of the fucking party, you buzzkilling loser. I’m not making this stuff up - there’s an entire website devoted to pointing out errors in movies. The page for Armageddon is like 25 years long. You know what? IT’S A FUCKING MOVIE, NERDS. They can make up all sorts of stuff. Here are the top mistakes for Dr. Dolittle:
When he has the accident after hitting the dog, there is a big very noticeable dent in his truck. After he leaves the camp place it is gone and never seen again.
Dr. Dolittle is driving through San Francisco with a cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee - there are no Dunkin’ Donuts in San Francisco.
In the scene where Maya is looking for Rodney at the party and he scampers off into the bathroom, he miraculously climbs on top of a toilet in a matter of seconds (which isn’t actually shown). There is no way a guinea pig could do this.
How come none of these brainiacs point out the fact that animals, ya know, can’t speak English? That seems just as consistent as pointing out that there’s no oxygen in space and a movie about landing on a killer asteroid to drill into it and plant a nuclear warhead in hopes of breaking said asteroid into two smaller pieces, both of which will harmlessly pass by Earth isn’t factually correct. And hold on, is the guy who submitted that last Dr. Dolittle fact some kind of guinea pig expert? I’m gonna go buy one of those little rat things and train it to climb toilets. Then I’m going to record it, put it on YouTube, and rain on this guy’s parade. Smartass guinea pig hater.
Gripes aside, why is Armageddon so ridiculously re-watchable? I’ve got two words for you:
totally agree with that hero bullshit. Overused and not in the right context, then people who should be called hero’s will be diminished. Good shit right there
.If there are two things that I love in this world… two things that I LIVE for in this world… it’s competition and drinking. I don’t think I’m going out on a ledge declaring a combination of the two to be the second best thing on the face of the earth – chicken fingers being the undisputed most amazing things ever. Still confused? Allow me to enlighten:
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That’s science right there. Indisputable, pink, possibly retarded science. But it illustrates my point in ways words simply cannot. Except for those three words in the Venn diagram. Those are important.
Now, as anyone who’s been to college* can attest to, competitive drinking is a collegiate staple. Unless you went to some weird religious school like Marquette. And there are a handful of games that are prevalent at virtually any good party:
Beer pong
Flip cup
Quarters
Card games (Fuck the dealer, etc)
Civil War
What’s that? You don’t know about Civil War? Or maybe you do, which would be very impressive. If you don’t, here’s a quick and dirty explanation of the rules (although I usually play with 3 balls, not 2). I hope I’m not alone here, but I didn’t find out about Civil War until after I graduated. Let me just say, my mind was BLOWN. This is possibly the greatest drinking game I’ve ever witnessed. And I had a serious relationship with beer pong throughout my entire duration at UW. We loved each other. Beer pong was always there for me. Yet when I met Civil War, it was like my eyes finally opened up to what was possible when you mix beer, ping pong balls, and full contact sports. This has me thinking: which is truly the top dog in the competitive drinking world? The other games mentioned above are good and fun, but nothing gets the blood flowing like an intense game of pong or some bloody civil war.
BEER PONG
PROS
Can be played solo or in teams
6 or 10 cup allows you to reasonably control the length of the games
Enough beer is used that you can get pretty drunk if you’re rolling people
Tons of variations and mods enable fresh game play for years
It’s fucking awesome
CONS
Some games can go FOREVER
You’re guaranteed to consume 3 pounds of hair, dirt and other crap off the floor per game
Bouncing is pretty much the lamest thing ever
At most, 4 people can partake, leading to long lines to get on the table
Let me share a story with you all about beer pong………….. holy fucking shit I can’t remember anything.
- EA
Never disgrace beer pong. Never disgrace the South. It will rise again.
- T.I.
beer pong baseball is actually my favorite
- Biffy
Let me share a story with you all - My first Civil war experience.
I was visiting a friend at Butler and his roommates decided it was time to play Civil War and as Schwa said, competition and drinking = orgasm, I wanted in. They quickly taught me the rules and since I identify myself as a pretty solid beer pong player I was ready to kick some ass.
4 games deep and my team is still holding the table (The South could not be taken down). Finally got a real close game. It came down to me being the last one left on my team with only one cup, and they had all three people each with one cup. They all three shoot and miss and my team helps me get all three balls back. I take each shot one by one down the line and nail all three of their cups. I was sold from that moment on. One man left on the battle field taking on a freaking army. For the South!
Also, Civil War is solid although I’ve found that skill reigns supreme almost to a fault. Some people can’t hack the hurry up offense with a ping pong ball and you get the same people winning - more so than in std bp.
- facts
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Editor’s Note - With the conclusion of the college football season our favorite Big Ten Analyst Schwa will be transitioning into a regular Thursday column at The Hot Glove. And because the kid practically has Ranch running through his blood stream that is what we’re going to call it. His articles will be everything you ever wanted and a side of ranch.
You Green?
What? You think just because football season is all but over I’m just gonna go away? Surely you jest. There’s still plenty to talk about, and I’ve got HBO Loop Movies to last a LIFETIME. And last I checked, daydrinking isn’t going out of style anytime soon.
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LEGENDS OF THE HBO LOOP
As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop. Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.
The Fifth Element
Let’s get the checklist out of the way:
Hot redhead who can kick your ass
Flying cars
Chris Tucker
Imminent end of the world, and life itself
The most amazing singer of all time, who just so happens to be some kind of blue alien
A weapon that should have been included in every video game, ever
Bruce Willis being a ‘normal dude’ who just so happens to be a weapon of mass destruction
A steamy Regeneration Chamber sex scene
A black president
This is literally the list that every A-list movie director in Hollywood follows at one point in their careers. Because it’s impossible to make a flop if you stick to this plan. It really does have something for everyone. And if you add it all up, you get a movie as amazing as The Fifth Element. I’ve never turned it down. As is the norm for all of these Legends of the HBO Loop, The Fifth Element is a movie you can pick up at pretty much any point and just enjoy the shit out of it. I’ll spare you from the straight up plot regurgitation, since you’ve all seen it at least 6,432 times. Here are the highlights:.
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The ZF-1. Badass guns of all badass guns. It’s pretty much like every gun from Turok spliced with that gun that could shoot through walls in Perfect Dark, mixed with the rail gun from Eraser, with a dash of the flamethrower in Saving Private Ryan. I also fully appreciate that it’s very high tech, but at the same time has some old school attachments - the net, the arrows, etc. The way I see it, if I’m gonna kill someone with the ZF-1, this is my plan:
Trap them with the net (does no pain, but it’s absolutely hilarious and allows you to take your time before tearing them apart)
Freeze them (but don’t knock them over yet)
Thaw them out with the flamethrower (be careful not to burn them to death, we’re not done yet)
Shoot one arrow in each of their thighs:
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.(I can’t WAIT for the Ace Ventura Legend of the Loop feature. It might be a 10,000 word essay)
whenever i meat someone for the first time and they respond to my name being Corbin by saying, “oh, like from the Fifth Element” I know said person and I are going to get along. I even like the cool, futuristic spelling
OSU? One dominant win over Michigan away from another BCS bowl it looks like.
Michigan State? Are they the Jets of college football? Or are the Jets the Spartans of the NFL? Either way, I hate both and hope all players contract herpes.
Wisconsin? Demons? EXORCISED. One nerd-beatdown away from a Big 10 Championship and likely trip to Pasadena.
Illinois? Won the battle of make it-take it football at Wrigley by pounding the ball right at Northwestern.
Northwestern? Get well, Persa. For the sake of all 12 Wildcat fans, get well.
The rest of the Big 10? Let me check. OK, it’s confirmed: no one cares about you.
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THE MOUNTAIN CREEK GAME OF THE WEEK
#10 MICHIGAN STATE @ PENN STATE, 11:00 ESPN2
As close as the Big Ten finish is, there really aren’t a whole lot of good games this weekend. OSU and UW will be big favorites, so that leaves Sparty’s trip to Happy Valley as the only real question mark for the Big Ten contenders. And what a question mark it is. Penn State has won 4 out of their last 5, and I’m sure relegating Michigan State to the Capital One Bowl sounds like a great way to finish off JoPa’s 87th consecutive season coaching Penn State. Think about that. He’s been coaching the same school since the Spanish-American War (OK, I’ll wait for you to Google it. I have little faith in the collective intelligence of THG readers considering how many pro-Michigan comments pop up). I think what he’s doing is worse than Favre. At least Favre has been genuinely wanted every time he’s come back. The Jets WANTED him. The Vikings WANTED him after that. Hell, they flew down to his shit-farm to beg him to come back this year (Side note: How does a guy like Ryan Longwell even sit at the same table as Tarvaris Jackson during dinner? Like, he was so deathly afraid of TJ being the QB that he went down South to plead with Old Man Rivers to come back. Amazing slap in the face). But with JoPa? You know anyone with at least half a brain behind the scenes in the PSU Athletic Department is just waiting for him to retire. I know he’s a legend. I know he still puts out a solid team. But good lord, do you really want your coach to die of natural causes on the sidelines? Not a Rex Ryan heart attack. I mean like a real just old age death. That’s insane. Still haunted by this:
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Top comment:
Joe Paterno pooped a little when he said that
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Word. Right into his Depends. Wow, was that joke as lame to read as it was to type? I offer no excuses. I’m really tired.
And then there are the Heart Attack Hookers (I’m gonna call them that instead of the Kardiac Kids or whatever lame name ESPN is trumping around). Such a frustrating team to root against. And I LOVE rooting against teams. How many times are they gonna crawl back into games they deserve to lose? Twice? 3 times? Every week? Yeah, Wisconsin lost to them. Whatever. This MSU team still isn’t very good. And they’re right on track to get the shaft of being an 11-1 team from a major conference and not being in a BCS bowl. I’d say I feel bad, but I know the feeling. It’s just more proof that the BCS is broken and we need a playoff.
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A QUICK RANT BY A WISCONSIN FAN
The BCS is worse than AIDS. It really is. Only in broken college football does a team playing as well as ANY other team in the country have zero chance of playing for a championship. It’s freaking ridiculous. It’s not like having a playoff would make the regular season meaningless. All it would do is:
Give teams with gaudy numbers from mediocre conferences the same shot as traditional powerhouses.
Create arguably the second best sporting event in the world (NCAA tournament in hoops, c’mon. The Super Bowl is overhyped, and unless your team is playing, it’s only as good as the drinks and food you’ve got to enjoy the game with).
Still make all the greedy bastards behind the scenes millions of dollars.
Still make all the schools and conferences represented millions of dollars.
Still allow them to keep the bowl names.
And there are countless other advantages. #1 book on my ‘You should really read this, moron’ list? Death to the BCS. I’ve heard nothing but good things, and I would LOVE for all those douches in charge to try and reasonably respond. The only problem here is I don’t read, and there’s little to no chance I actually buy this book and read it, as badly as I want to. Reading books blows. Anyway, I just wanted to point out that UW could absolutely play with ANY team in the country right now, has beaten multiple elite/good teams, and in any other universe would have a chance to earn their spot in the National Championship game. Spare me the ‘well, they lost a game, so they can just blame themselves’ argument. A certain undefeated SEC team from a few years back would like to have a word with you.
I wonder if JoGramPa gives out lame, corny advise to his players like, “Make sure you all have a good time at the SockHop tonight, boys.. You’ve earned it..” or racial comments to the assistant coaches that are way outta date like, “make sure our coloreds get a drinking fountain” or “Make sure we find a hotel that will house our coloreds, now..” JoPa.. the last reamining fan from the Inaguaral Football game.
Sorry, honey. God hates the Cubs. That ain’t gonna work.
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Side note, I’m justifying that picture being in a football preview because of the Illinois/Northwestern game at Wrigley this Saturday. ARGUE WITH THAT.
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WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK
Wisconsin? Shoulda scored a hundred.
Indiana? Hey, look on the bright side - ummm. Hmmm. OK, maybe there is no bright side.
Illinois? Really? REALLY?
Minnesota? Congrats! For one week, you’re not the laughing stock of the league! VERY NICE
Northwestern? Persa’s injury really puts a shadow over an otherwise impressive win.
Iowa? Welcome to spoiler-city…
Ohio State? Maintaining a VERY high level of play. Starting to look scary.
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THE MOUNTAIN CREEK GAME OF THE WEEK
#9 OHIO STATE @ #20 IOWA, 2:30 ABC
Can I just say: it’s absurd that Iowa got UW, MSU and OSU at home. Just ridiculous. How excited were you as an Iowa season ticket holder when you saw those 3 games on the schedule? You for sure thought you would strut to the Rose Bowl. All your tough games at home? A DREAM. Well, unfortunately, that dream turned into a nightmare. A non-conference loss to Arizona dampened the National Championship hopes, falling a point short of Bucky put the Rose Bowl on life support, and last week’s debacle vs. Northwestern makes a Florida bowl game look like a distinct possibility. Still, with the Buckeyes coming to town this week, you can bet the folks in Iowa City will be fired up, hoping to shake off the shame of losing to the nerdiest school ever.
Meanwhile, life is good in Ohio. Since their loss to Wisconsin, Ohio State has outscored their opponents 5,243 - 9 (approximately). This team has a dangerous look, and as a Badger fan I’m just glad we already played them (AND BEAT THEM, EAT A DICK BUCKEYES). I usually don’t make predictions here, but I feel slightly confident in saying OSU will leave Iowa City with a win. They’ve got momentum, a ton of talent, and a lot to play for. I don’t doubt Iowa’s pride, and playing at home is always a plus. But OSU has Big Ten Title and Rose Bowl aspirations. Don’t underestimate what those can do to an already great team.
Michigan gameday is not that good. Not even close to as good as Iowa’s. The coolest thing ever done in Ann Arbor is Bill Hayden cleaning himself up.
- Bird
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You shed some of your knowledge about Michigan gameday experience to the Big Cat. Whenever he came to Ann Arbor he just bitched and sulked. Of course he was 0-2 at the Big House including an embarrassing loss to a 3-9 Michigan team.
Anyways, great article.
- Little Cat
I feel so white. Thank you. I’m still not sure it’s a sweet name though.
- Schwa
50 cent is a reference to how much blunt wraps cost, fyi
Penn State? Peaking at the right time (Look out, Sparty…)
Northwestern? How much do you love choking away big leads?
Iowa? Is Indiana not quite the pushover we all thought they were, or did Iowa just come this close to shitting the bed?
Indiana? It’s good to see that a child actor turned his best performance into a career:
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Why was it so difficult to find a picture of this kid? Still don't know his name. But he shoulda caught that TD vs. Iowa...
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Sidenote: I got that picture from this site, and I have to say: genius. Some of their comparisons are just spot on. Bravo.
Wisconsin? Start off slow like that against IU/NW/Michigan and you might not escape with a win.
Michigan and Illinois? Well, first off, thank you for living up to the billing as the Mountain Creek Game Of The Week. We here at the Hot Glove really appreciate that because it makes us look good. Also, Michigan has to have the worst defense in the country, right?
Guarantee he ends up at Michigan. Already got that 'WHYYY?!!' sad face down.
OK, so that has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with anything Big 10 related. But look at that little Duke loser. Kid, you should be crying when your Pokemon loses, or you spill your apple juice, or your priest touches you in the wrong place. Don’t cry about Duke basketball. Kids are gonna just terrorize you on the playground for that shit and you don’t need it. Yeah, they won the NCAA Championship last year. Congrats. You’re still a little tool who will grow up wearing multiple collared shirts at once. Look, that douchey comb-over is already a work in progress. Your elitist dad must be so proud!
./Wow, I just tore apart a 9 year old kid. New low? Or, all-time high???
.WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK
Iowa? Yeah, I’d call that a nice bounce-back win.
Michigan? Man, that second half of the season is just not Dick Rod’s specialty.
Penn State? Please hang 41 on MSU. Please?
OSU? Well, that match up with Iowa should be a hell of a game if they keep this up.
Minnesota? Awww, you’re so adorable when you try to be a Big 10-caliber program!
Michigan State? I’ll let Teddy KGB take it:
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.Just forget that part at the end where Mike wins. That won’t happen for MSU. This also won’t be the last we hear of Rounders this year, I can promise you that.
THE MOUNTAIN CREEK GAME OF THE WEEK
ILLINOIS @ MICHIGAN, 11:00 ESPN
Not a whole lot of awesomeness going on in the league this week. No match ups of ranked teams, so I’m intrigued by this game. Illinois has looked better-than-awful (and that’s a compliment). I won’t pretend to care about their football program, but I do know that Frosh QB Nate Scheelhaase has played well against some of the mediocre opponents - and Michigan’s defense is mediocre on its good days. In fact, Illinois as a whole has lost 3 games - against Missouri, Ohio State and Michigan State. In case you were wondering, those teams are currently ranked 14, 8, and 16 in the AP Poll. So Illinois is the classic team that’s won the games they should win, and lost to the good teams on their schedule. But hey, they managed to keep Mizzou and OSU within striking distance.
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Wisconsin? Back-to-back wins over top 15 teams are making believers out of a lot of people.
Iowa? Well, as a Badger, I’m just happy it was someone else’s special teams costing them a game.
Ohio State? Sorry, Purdue.
Michigan State? Could they be any more similar to Iowa last year?
Northwestern? You’re really annoying, do you know that? Seriously.
Minnesota? YOU ARE SO BAD AT FOOTBALL.
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.THE MOUNTAIN CREEK GAME OF THE WEEK
#5 MICHIGAN STATE @ #18 IOWA, 2:30 ABC
.We stay in Iowa City for the MCGotW, as undefeated Sparty comes to town looking to continue their magical run towards an unexpected Big Ten Championship. And as I just said, this MSU team reminds me A TON of 2009 Iowa. The fake field goal against ND, the comeback with the bobble-catch TD in Evanston… how long can the magic last? And did you know their trip to Chicago last week was their first game outside the state of Michigan this season? Yeah, they beat a damn good Wisconsin team - but at home. Taking down a pissed off Iowa squad in Iowa’s house will NOT be easy.
Wisconsin’s offensive line kept Clayborn in check, but I have a feeling he’s gonna have a huge game for the Hawkeyes. And that will be vital: Iowa needs to get pressure on Cousins. If there’s one thing I know, you give a solid-to-good QB enough time, and he’ll pick you apart. I’d expect MSU to come out running the ball, trying to set up the pass and keeping the D honest in the process. I mean, it’s not like they’re a poor running team - they’re great. And they’ll definitely put some points up, but I don’t think they crack 30 like UW did. In fact, I don’t think Iowa cracks 30 either. This should be a hotly contested match up between 2 teams with title aspirations - Big 10 for Iowa, National for MSU.
Holy crap. That had to be the best football game I’ve ever been to. Possibly the best sporting event. And I’ve been at a no-hitter. You just really can’t top the energy that was buzzing in Camp Randall last Saturday. But I’ll stop gushing now, because you probably don’t wanna hear it.
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WHAT WE LEARNED LAST WEEK
Ohio State? Vulnerable.
Wisconsin? Back in the hunt. And that O-Line is scary good.
Michigan? Yeah, you’re gonna have to start playing defense if you wanna win some Big 10 games.
Indiana? Might start choosing those non-conf cupcakes a little more carefully… yeesh.
MSU? Can overcome a slow start to win a game they should.
Purdue? Does anyone actually know if they’re good? Does anyone care?
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THE MOUNTAIN CREEK GAME OF THE WEEK
#13 WISCONSIN @ #15 IOWA, 2:30 ABC
This is most likely the last time we’ll see Wisconsin in this section - at least until their trip to Ann Arbor. But there’s no doubt that this week’s battle for the Heartland Trophy is going to play a huge role in determining the champion of the Big 10. Iowa is undefeated in Big 10 play, despite giving up 28 points a week ago while holding on to a win over Michigan. And even after that, they’re still 6th nationally in points allowed (13.2). That will definitely be put to the test this week against a Wisconsin offense that hung 31 on the #1 team in the nation (or the artist formerly known as the #1 team in the nation…) The battle in the trenches should be a ton of fun (get it? Cuz they’re fat?) as a talented Iowa defensive line will try everything in their power to slow down the Badger offensive linemen - the same guys that created mile-wide holes for Clay and White to run through last week (and never gave up a sack).
When Iowa has the ball, it will be imperative for the Badgers’ DBs to play as well as they did against OSU. Especially Brinkley and Fenelus on the corners - those two did a fantastic job in coverage, finding the ball, and playing physically. If Wisconsin can slow Stanzi down, the Badgers should find themselves in another winnable game against the Hawkeyes. Whether or not they can finish it off remains to be seen.
Also, 2:30 games are awesome for day-drinking purposes. Hell yes.
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LEGENDS OF THE HBO LOOP
As anyone with HBO knows, there’s a certain elite group of movies that are constantly stuck on the loop. Here, we’ll highlight the best of the best – movies so awesome that you simply can’t say ‘no’.
The Shawshank Redemption
I’m yet to meet a person who doesn’t enjoy this movie. NAY - I’m yet to meet a person who doesn’t love this movie. I’ve done some informal Googling, it turns out only a select few demographics do not enjoy Shawshank:
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- Nostradamus Future Predictions | Set of all three Ancient Prophecies videos! (Pasadena)