not actually him, might as well be though

An American blogger has pledged to live only off beer during Lent.

Following the ancient tradition of Bavarian monks who brewed stronger beer during the Lenten fast in order to subsist on an almost entirely liquid diet, J Wilson will spend the 46 days of the Lenten period drinking only beer. The young man, who writes about beer on the internet and claims never to have done a Lenten fast in his life, will drink bockbier, which was originally brewed by the Paulaner monks in Munich.

The beer is a strong, dark, malty lager and is known as liquid bread. Traditionally, it was brewed by the monks for the periods of fasting in Lent and Advent. Mr Wilson has brewed his own bock-bier for the project. . .

And here you are thinking you’re so badass because you gave up video games, or chocolate, or MTV for Lent. WRONG. This J Wilson guy just took the game to a whole different level. He flipped the script. He is not only doing something badass but he somehow added religious undertones to make it socially acceptable. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner, BEER. J Wilson just cheated the entire system and I honestly could not be more jealous. And you know what, I don’t care if he’s drinking some special monk juice that probably tastes like crusty asshole, I’ve drank my fair share of Mountain Creek and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that there is no beer in the world that can be as bad as that.

So J Wilson, you are about as macho as they come. I’m not going to go and say you’re Seagal or Stallone, but if either of those guys needed someone to get their dry cleaning you would maybe be in the running to be that guy, which is basically the highest compliment I could give someone.

h/t Jay

I can’t in good conscience do a Macho Man Monday when we are in the middle of the machoiest run in the history of machismo. Charlie Sheen is making us all look like a bunch of pussies, so instead of Macho Man Monday today, we’re doing the best Charlie Sheen quotes thus far. Its only fair.

“I’m not Bi-Polar, I’m Bi-Winning”

- You know how most people wish to win the lottery and be rich. Not me, I wish I was Bi-Winning

Reporter: “Are you clean right now?” Sheen: “Look at me, duh. drug tests don’t lie.”Reporter: “When was the last time you did drugs?”  Sheen: “I don’t know. score board doesn’t lie”

-No the scoreboard does not lie Charlie, especially the drug test scoreboard that we can all see, duh.

-If Charlie Sheen has been pretending not to be a total bitchin rock star from Mars what does that mean will happen when he does in fact stop pretending?

“I think it was Nails that said, and I was really flattered that he got it right, he might be Nails, but I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets…”

-I was actually thinking the other day, what is tougher than nails? I couldn’t come up with anything. Totally forgot about battle tested bayonets. My bad.

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent.”

- This might be my personal favorite. Not only did Charlie cure himself in a nanosecond but his success rate is 100 percent.

-Boom, Printed

“Most of the time, and this includes naps, I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordinance to the ground”

“Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.”

- I think we just found something more badass than bayonets. An F-18 with fire breathing fists.

“I am on a drug,” Sheen said. “It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

- And this my friends is simple WINNING.

So today’s Macho Man is a no brainer. I’m talking about the greatest country in the world’s greatest war hero, George Washington. Instead of actually looking up the badass things George Washington did I’m going to go strictly off my memory of elementary school history.

- GW had wooden teeth, kind of gross but also kind of badass

- GW killed no less than 10,000 Red Coats

- GW fought alongside Mel Gibson and his two annoying kids

- GW cut down a tree because tree’s suck and serve no purpose in our day to day life.

- GW crossed the atlantic ocean in a canoe, in sub zero weather, to kill a bunch of English people

- GW wrote the constitution by hand, in one night, while shitfaced

- GW’s last words on his death bed were “America, Fuck Yeah”

Its been a while since I’ve sat in a classroom but I’m pretty sure I nailed it with those facts. George Washington, America’s Original Gangster.

PS

If you have today off you should go ahead and step into oncoming traffic, thx.

Macho Man Monday isn’t going to be just one Man this Monday. Its going to an entire city. I’m talking about Detroit, a city that admittedly sucks, but in the past week has been absolutely killing it on the machismo scale. First you had the Eminem Super Bowl commercial, badass.

Then a Detroit Pistons fan talked shit to Lebron and his family, reminding everyone how much of a whiny baby Lebron really is. Badass times 2…

And finally we come to the most badass portion of Detroit’s week. Robocop statue.

(NEWSER) – It began as a joke idea, but now Detroit may actually get a statue of RoboCop. Fans of the crime-fighting cyborg from the 1987 film have united online—here, for instance—with a goal of raising $80,000 for the project, reports the Detroit News. The campaign started after Mayor Dave Bing shot down the idea of the city paying for one on Twitter earlier this week.

Pretty sure this is EXACTLY how you get your city out of a decade long funk. Oh so no one has a job, everyone is poor and crime is rampant, boo hoo. Losers like Cleveland sit on their hands and cry about it while winners make Robocop statues and put themselves back on the map.

So hat’s off Detroit. This is how you turn a city around. You pick a fictional character and remind everyone how awesome he is. It worked for Philly, and that city couldn’t be more disgusting, so why wouldn’t it work for Detroit?

Today is the worst day of the year. No more football. Everyone is hungover, feeling fat and gross and its still winter. Well guess what. There is one silver lining from last night. Only the keenest eye may have caught it but The Rock is officially back.

Now I know what you’re thinking right now. How can he be back when he never actually left? Well he did leave. The Rock’s last movie was “Driver” all the way back in November 2010. So that means we have gone a full 2 months now since The Rock has been in a movie about fast cars. That’s WAY too long. And thankfully someone in Hollywood agrees. Because the only way to make the Fast and Furious Franchise better is to add the best actor of all time. Asses in the seats.

So yeah life sucks right now. Everyone is depressed and there is still 10 more weeks of winter. But just remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel and he goes by the name of Detective Luke Hobbs.

POKHARA, Jan 13: Gorkha soldiers have long been known the world over for their valor and these khukuri-wielding warriors winning the British many a battle have become folklore.

A retired Indian Gorkha soldier recently revisited those glory days when he thwarted 40 robbers, killing three of them and injuring eight others, with his khukuri during a train journey. He is in line to receive three gallantry awards from the Indian government.

Slave girl Morgiana in the Arabian Nights used her cunning to finish off Ali Baba´s 40 thieves, but Bishnu Shrestha of Baidam, Pokhara-6 did not have time to plot against the 40 train robbers. He, however, made good use of his khukuri to save the chastity of a girl and hundreds of thousands in loot.

Shrestha, who was in the Maurya Express to Gorakhpur from Ranchi on September 2 while returning home following voluntary retirement from the Indian army-saved the girl who was going to be raped by the robbers in front of her hapless parents, and in doing so won plaudits from everybody.

The Indian government is to decorate Shrestha with its Sourya Chakra, Bravery Award and Sarvottam Jeevan Raksha Medal and the 35-year-old is leaving for India Saturday to receive the first of the awards on the occasion of India´s Republic Day on January 26.

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The only rule for Macho Man Monday is that when someone fights off 40 robbers by himself he is guaranteed Macho Man of the week. 40 guys. This guy fought off FORTY BAD GUYS on a train. Think about that for a second. I’m seriously considering changing the name of “Macho Man Monday” to “Bishnu Shrestha Day”, thats how fucking badass this guy is. This is real life Under Siege, only if Casey Ryback had no guns and only a knife. It literally is the most badass thing I can imagine. I mean even if he hadn’t done anything, just carrying around this knife at all times is the definition of macho.

But not for Bishnu Shrestha. He doesnt just carry around a badass knife, he uses it to kill rapists and robbers when he is outnumbered 40-1. I guess what they say is true, if you’re less than 21 feet, you’re fucked.

h/t Joe

Well we’ve had our first celebrity death of 2011 and guess what, he was the definition of a macho man. Strong? check. Badass? check. Did cool shit? check. Created a successful juicer empire sold exclusively on late night informercials? check.

Just look at some of the stunts Jack Lalanne did (taken from his wiki page)

1956 (age 42): set a world record of 1,033 push-ups in 23 minutes on You Asked For It,^[28] a television program with Art Baker.

1957 (age 43): swam the Golden Gate channel while towing a 2,500-pound (1,100 kg; 180 st) cabin cruiser. The swift ocean currents turned this one-mile (1.6 km) swim into a swimming distance of 6.5 miles (10.5 km).

1975 (age 61): Repeating his performance of 21 years earlier, he again swam the entire length of the Golden Gate Bridge, underwater and handcuffed, but this time he was shackled and towed a 1,000-pound (450 kg; 71 st) boat.

1984 (age 70): Handcuffed, shackled and fighting strong winds and currents, towed 70 rowboats, one with several guests, from the Queen’s Way Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary, 1 mile.

Do people realize how badass that is? Swimming sucks. Its like the hardest thing in the entire world. I can swim like a shark and even I want to puke after 10 minutes.

So, heres to you Jack. Any guy who does face workouts in a one piece jumpsuit is macho in my book.

(Source) The first time I got up close to a wolf, within around 30 metres, any fear I had quickly turned to respect. I stayed in a den area, a remote spot where wolves look after their young, and very soon one pack began to trust me. I lived with them day and night, and from the start they accepted me into their group. I ate what they ate, mostly raw deer and elk, which they would often bring back for me, or fruit and berries. I never fell ill and my body adapted quickly to its new diet. It’s easy to look back and think, “What horrible food”, but when you haven’t eaten for a week, it looks appetising.

I couldn’t hunt, but I soon became useful looking after the younger ones. I would spend days sitting outside the den, observing their behaviour and trying to make sure they kept out of danger.

I stayed with the same pack for over a year, watching pups grow to adulthood. I never missed human contact during that time.

I felt a tremendous sense of belonging with the wolves. Whenever I began to think about my old life, I would quickly switch my thoughts back; in terms of survival, I had constantly to focus on my new habitat. Although I didn’t see anyone, there were people back at the reservation and I had a rendezvous point where I could leave messages if I felt I was in danger. I was only ever truly scared on two occasions: once, when all the wolves were feeding, I ate the wrong piece of meat – there is a strict hierarchy of who eats what part of an animal – and one of the wolves leapt on me in seconds because of my mistake. He took my entire face in his mouth and started to squeeze hard. I could feel the bones in my jaw begin to bend, and in that split-second I realised how vulnerable I was and how restrained they were most of the time.

The other time, I wanted to get a drink from the stream and one of the wolves stopped me dead in my tracks, growling, snarling and nipping me. I thought, “This is the end, he’s going to finish me off.” An hour or so later, he started to lick my face and we both went to the stream for a drink. There I saw evidence of recent bear tracks and droppings, and I realised this was why he guarded me. I would almost certainly have been killed but, more importantly, my tracks would have led back to their young, so it was for their protection.

I’m not really a wolf guy. They always kind of struck me as dogs with sharper teeth. Like who gives a fuck? Go fight a shark or a bear and then you’ve captured my attention. But with that said, I have never in my life seen a more deserving candidate for a real life macho man of the week. And who gives a fuck if this guy is certifiably insane, if you’re down with eating elk and deer and getting your face smashed by a wolf then you’re just about as macho as can be.

So here you go. Want to feel inadequate today? Want to feel worse than you already do about slacking on your New Years resolutions? Just read about Shaun Ellis and how the guy became a fucking wolf. That’ll do the trick.

PS

We’re all going to just pretend he didn’t bang any of these wolves right?

PPS

Ive never seen a guy more deserving to wear this bad boy.

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Do you know what sucks about 21st Century America. Everyone has become a gigantic pussy when it comes to naming their children. Literally every other day I hear or see some poor kid that has a ridiculous name. Its like the whole country forgot what it means to have a strong name. A name that strikes fear into the hearts of the general public. I’m talking about a name like MASON STORM.

Now if you don’t know who Mason Storm is then I feel sorry for you, because Mason Storm is one of the baddest motherfuckers around. I mean how many people do you know witness a corrupt politician commit a crime then go into a coma with knowledge of the intricate details of the crime only to wake 7 years later and exact revenge on all parties. For  SEVEN years Mason Storm held a tiny little secret in his vegetable brain only to unleash fury on all those responsible once he awoke. Fucking badass.

So yeah you may have felt like a tough guy this weekend, watching football, drinking beers etc etc, but you didn’t go into a 7 year coma and then wake up and kill a bunch of bad guys, so all in all your life really sort of sucks.

PS
“I’m going to take you to the bank. The blood bank!”

Best movie line ever?

I know I missed Macho Man Monday this week because I was at the Rose Bowl, so to make up for it we’ll just go with Kyle instead.

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