(Source) Cathy Cruz Marrero remembers her foot striking the base of the fountain as she held her purse and clutched the cell phone she’d been using to text.

The phone popped out of her hand and landed in the water as Cathy began her plunge into the Berkshire Mall fountain.

“I saw the water coming at me, I could see the pennies and nickels at the bottom of the fountain and then I was in it,” said Cathy, 49, a Reading resident who works in a store at the Wyomissing mall.

The fall on Jan. 12 was caught on security camera video that has brought her unwanted fame since it was posted Friday to YouTube and Facebook, where it has been viewed at least 1.6 million times. Many media outlets worldwide have shown the footage.

Cathy is mortified by the incident and both laughs and cries when she talks about it.

“My issue is I don’t think security was professional because they didn’t send anyone to check on me until 20 minutes later and I had already left,” Cathy said Wednesday in her first interview since the accident.

In the video, the voices of people laughing as they watch the security video footage can be heard.

Cathy said they are mall security personnel.

“Instead of laughing, they should have said, ‘Is she OK?’ and been down there right away to check on me,” she said.

Her attorney, James M. Polyak of Reading, said he plans to conduct an investigation into what happened.

What fucking planet am I on right now? Is this lady seriously suing the mall because she was too clumsy to walk? No one, and I literally mean no one, knew who actually fell into that fountain. It was just some shadowy blob that did something remotely funny. I maybe laughed for a second, and moved on. It wasn’t like this video set my tits on fire and I just HAD to show everyone in the world about the nondescript thing that fell into a fountain on a security camera feed.

So what does this lady go and do? She basically tells the entire world that it was her that fell flat on her face and looked like a shithead. What? How does that make sense? You just got mad at people for laughing at you, saying it ruined your life, so you respond by telling everyone your real name and crying on national television, which in turn lets people actually laugh you at and ruin your life? Well that worked out perfectly, idiot.

PS

As a general rule of thumb, if it makes it to CNN it  probably wasn’t that funny to begin with.

EVANSVILLE — An Evansville man who painted his face and allegedly tried to attack someone with a sword early Wednesday was arrested, according to an Evansville Police Department probable cause affidavit.

Ricky Lee Kalichun, 45, is in Vanderburgh County jail on a $50,000 cash bond. He has been preliminarily charged with intimidation with a weapon and public intoxication.

According to the affidavit, a man called police about 12:24 a.m. and reported that Kalichun tried to attack him in the hallway of an apartment building at 315 SE King Blvd.

Police said they found Kalichun on the fourth floor with a camouflage coat and black marker markings on his face and immediately arrested him.

Police said Kalichun smelled strongly of alcohol and had a large sword on him.

The victim — who told police he and his wife were homeless and had been staying with someone at the apartment — said he got word that an intoxicated man was downstairs and needed his help, the affidavit said.

The victim told police he used to room with Kalichun and had him come up to the apartment. Kalichun then allegedly began unplugging a television and stated that a video game console and some games were his.

The occupants then got Kalichun in the hallway, the affidavit said, and he allegedly pulled out the sword and began swinging at the victim.

You can tell me Ricky Lee Kalichun was drunk. You can tell Me Ricky Lee Kalichun was trying to steal a Playstation. You can even tell me Ricky had a sword and was swinging it violently. But don’t you dare fucking tell me that anyone actually saw Ricky Lee Kalichun do any of these things. That would be like me saying I can see ghosts.

Look at Ricky’s face. Oh that’s right, you can’t, because Ricky Lee Kalichun is camoflauged to absolute perfection. Guy is practically invisible.

All I know is that the playstation owner better pray to god Ricky doesn’t put on his camo for court. Everyone knows you can’t try something you can’t see. They teach you that on the first day of law school.

…

(Source) Apparently public intoxication is a reason for police to intervene with animals as well as humans. German police recently found a drunk owl out in public and took in the animal, saying it would be released once it has sobered up.

A spokesman for the Pforzheim police reported to Spiegel Online that “a woman walking her dog alerted the police after seeing the bird sitting by the side of the road oblivious to passing traffic.” When police found the brown owl, it was staggering around with drooping eyelids. As further evidence of the owl’s drunkenness, two small bottles of Schnapps were found near the bird.

The police took the owl to a local expert who has treated “alcoholized birds” in the past. This bird is being given plenty of water, and will be free to go when sober.

..

Did anyone else think that this owl is probably pretty stressed out and is just trying to take the edge off? Think about it, every other day there is some news story about a thousand birds falling out of the sky, or a million fish committing suicide. So if you’re an owl, and you know the world is coming to an end, wouldn’t you grab a couple of bottles of schnapps and get shitfaced? Kind of makes sense right? Like when we get close to January 1, 2012 I’ll be blacked out 24/7. That’s how it works. You either fuck or get drunk when you’re staring death in the face. You know it, I know it, and this owl sure as hell knows it.

PS

The entire paragraph gets thrown out the window if the owl was drinking those fruity flavored schnapps. Then he’s just a lightweight pussy.

h/t strong legz

Lexington, North Carolina (The Weekly Vice) - Lonnie Michael Felts, a 42-year-old Lexington man was jailed Sunday after he reportedly called 911 in attempt to find a hooker.

According to the Lexington Police Department, Felts called the Davidson County 911 emergency system and requested a hooker and also an escort to “get boots.” The dispatcher informed him that he was mistakenly calling 911.

Investigators say after Felts was warned, he continued to call two more times with the same requests for hookers. Detectives apprehended him and stated that he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol at the time of the incident.

Felts was booked into jail and charged with accessing the 911 system for a purpose other than an emergency communication. He was released after posting a $2,000 unsecured bond. He is scheduled to appear in court on April 20th.

Where the hell does the Lexington Police Department get off deciding what is and isn’t an emergency? Talk about riding around on a high horse. So theres no house on fire, or someone in danger, who cares? Do you see that black eye Lonnie Michael Felts is rocking? Do you think its easy to get your fuck on when everyone knows you recently lost a fight? Hell no. So if Lonnie Michael Felts needs to knock boots and he has exhausted all his resources in finding a prostitute I think its completely appropriate to use all means necessary, including 911. No right minded judge would disagree.

PS

I had no idea Bruce Willis had fallen on such rough times. Sad.

BRISTOL, Conn. (AP) - A 21-year-old Bristol man told police he stabbed four people at a party Saturday night, one fatally, because partygoers were making fun of his flatulence.

Police say Marc Higgins left the party and returned with three knives, stabbing people indiscriminately, according to court documents released Tuesday.

The Hartford Courant , quoting those documents, reported that Higgins told police he was angry at being derided and wanted to teach people that they shouldn’t trifle with him.

Higgins appeared in court Tuesday charged with murder, assault and carrying a dangerous weapon, and was ordered held in lieu of $2 million bond.

Twenty-one-year-old Matthew Walton died of his injuries. The wounds suffered by the other three victims were not life threatening.

Wait, hold on. What the fuck does Marc Higgins mean people were trifling with him? Newsflash bro. You were the one dropping heat all over the party. If there was ever a time to trifle with someone it is when they are farting while people are drinking and trying to hook up. That’s just disgusting.

Honestly I would be shocked if people weren’t trifling with this guy. I mean if society doesn’t keep itself in check next thing you know people will be taking shits on the beer pong table and pooping on the couch. You don’t want to be trifled with? Stop spraying sbd’s in people’s faces. Pretty simple solution right there.

PS

The crowded bar/party fart is the fastest growing epidemic in this country.  Hands down. Its gotten to the point where politicians need to start addressing it in their speeches.

Thanks to bakes for the tip

Columbus, Georgia (The Weekly Vice) - Kenneth McGhee, a 21-year-old Columbus man was jailed Monday after he reportedly exposed himself to children while masturbating inside a Chuck-E-Cheese restaurant.

According to the Muskogee County Sheriff’s Office, McGheeentered the Chuck-E-Cheese’s on Macon Road Monday afternoon and sat down at the end of a family’s table. The mother noted that his hands appeared to be in his crotch under the table, however, she thought he may have been texting on a cell phone.

Investigators say the woman moved over to retrieve her purse when she saw that the man’s penis was fully exposed and he was fondling himself. The restaurant was busy at the time, with lots of children playing nearby. He appeared to be peering around, checking out various children as he masturbated. When the mother called for help, McGhee fled the scene.

McGhee ran inside a Fashion Trends store to hide, however he was apprehended behind the store a short time later without incident.

McGhee was booked into the Muscogee County Jail and charged with child molestation and false information because officers say he gave them false information about his age and place of birth. He also had outstanding warrants for violating his probation, according to the arrest affidavit.

This is easily a worst case scenario situation for Kenneth McGee. Like every teenage boy growing up has 1 fear and fear only, getting caught by your mother jerking off. That’s it. Its literally the most devastating thing that can happen to you.

So for Kenneth McGee to be caught masturbating by his mother while he is trying to enjoy some pizza and ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese is life shattering. Thats one in a million type of bad luck right there. I mean you would think mom would at least give a heads up that she’s coming to the other side of the table to grab her purse. She knocks when entering at home right? So why is Chuck-E-Cheese any different? I guess common courtesy is dead.

PS

I’m never taking my children outside, way too dangerous.

(NEWSER) – After 28 years as host, Regis Philbin is signing off. The talk-show veteran announced his retirement from Live With Regis and Kelly at the beginning of today’s show, the AP reports. “It’s been a long time,” he said, “and it was the biggest thrill of my life to come back to New York, where I grew up as a kid watching TV in the early days.” But alas, “there is a time that everything must come to an end for certain people on camera—especially certain old people,” joked the 79-year-old.

“I think I can only speak for America and all of us here,” responded co-host Kelly Ripa, “when I say it has been a pleasure and a privilege and a dream come true. And I wish I could do something to make you change your mind.” Philbin didn’t give a specific departure date, but said he would leave toward the end of the summer. He holds the Guinness World Record for most hours on camera: 15,662 hours, as of 2006. ABC News reports thatLive will continue with Kelly Ripa and a new co-host

Honest question. This has to be one of the top 5 worst days in the history of the world right? Where the fuck are we going to get our funny from? Who Is going to make us laugh? When I first saw this news this morning I told myself to be strong, keep it together, don’t let everyone know you’re hurt. Well fuck that. I’m falling apart at the seams over here. Regis Philbin is retiring. I knew this day would come but I just kind of thought we had another 20 years or so. I mean the guy is only 79. Fuck.

PS

All kidding aside everyone needs to call their grandparents tonight and make sure they are still alive. Regis is the funniest person on the planet to anyone over the age of 80. Nana may not bounce back from news like this.

(Source) NORTON: A Norton attorney who founded a coffeehouse that caters to troubled teens faces charges that he exposed himself to two 19-year-old men on Friday.

Norton police say they were called to Cafe 41:11, near Norton High School, after the two men called dispatchers to complain that Thomas Walkley took off his pants while counseling them.

Walkley said Monday that exposing himself is part of a mentoring program he has developed to help in his work to assist ”at-risk boys.”

Walkley, 52, is to be arraigned in Barberton Municipal Court on Wednesday on two misdemeanor counts of public indecency.

Norton resident Xavier Sworniowski said he and a friend met with Walkley around 2 p.m. Friday at Cafe 41:11 to see whether they could perform some court-ordered community service there.

What the fuck is everyone crying about? You heard Thomas Walkley, taking off his pants in front of teenagers is part of the lesson plan. What don’t people get? Its not like he’s just taking off his pants because he’s some pervert. He’s teaching. You don’t like whats on the syllabus then don’t take the class. Its kind of like in college when I walked into some random Psych class and the teacher told everyone that she was grading on a bell curve and a bunch of people were going to get C’s even if they put in A effort. Do you know what I did? I stood up right then and there and walked the fuck out. This is the same exact thing, except its an old dude’s penis instead of a bell curve.

So those are your options. Either drop the class or stop complaining because the the minute you walk into Thomas Walkley’s coffee house its time to get your learn on and stare at some strange dick.

A Panama-based liquor company is producing whisky in a can. The company, Scottish Spirits, is the first to put straight whisky in a can, and it’s being promoted as an option for outdoor venues, as it’s light-weight and recyclable. Also because people at outdoor venues want to drink lots of whisky?

Scottish Spirits suggests splitting it between three people, because it’s the size of a regular beer can. Seriously: it’s twelve ounces, or eight shots worth of whisky. Which is a lot for a container that’s not resealable.

Also, oddly, Scottish Spirits makes an alcohol-free whisky aimed at Muslim customers. We’re not really sure why anyone would want to drink alcohol-free whisky, either.

Now I know what most people think when they see whiskey in an aluminum can. Gross. Well that was my first reaction too. But then I remembered Beer in a plastic bottle and wine in a box, and what happened with those two things? Smash Hit. So why not whiskey in a can? This is easily the greatest invention mankind has ever come up with. Just think about all the possibilities. You can drink it on the street, in your car, at your kid’s little league game. It is now socially acceptable to drink whiskey whenever and wherever you please. Its like the entire world has become a gigantic bar. How could that possible be a bad thing?

…

(Newser) – Charlie Sheen, Robert Downey Jr., Cher: No one was immune when it came to host Ricky Gervais’ zingers at the Golden Globes. Watch part of his monologue in the gallery, courtesy of Mediaite, or check out some of the best lines, via People and E!:

• “It’s gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking … or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast.”
• “I Love You Phillip Morris stars Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So, the complete opposite of some famous scientologists … probably. My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke.”

• “It was a big year for 3D movies: Toy Story. Despicable Me. Tron. Seems like everything this year was three-dimensional—except the characters in The Tourist.”
• “Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Because it’s not 1975.”
• “Nothing for Sex and the City 2? I was sure the Golden Globes special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.”

“He’s the star of Iron Man, Two Girls and a Guy, Wonderboys. Sorry, are these porn films? Kiss Kiss (Bang Bang), Bowfinger. Really! Up the Academy. He has done all those films, but many of you in this room probably know [Robert Downey Jr.] from such facilities as the Betty Ford Clinic and Los Angles County Jail.”

…

I didn’t watch one second of the golden globes last night. Not only did I not watch one second but I’m not even fully sure what the fuck the golden globes actually are. I thought people only cared about Emmys. Whatever.

But I go on the internet today and it literally is all anyone is talking about. Ricky Gervais this, and Ricky Gervais that. How Ricky Gervais was so mean and how he made fun of all these poor celebrities. What the fuck? What planet am I living on? Are people really offended by some British guy cracking a few jokes at the expense of rich people? Is that really what is happening? First of all, he’s british, so the minute he opens his mouth it basically doesnt count, and second of all, he’s making fun of rich people. Who cares, they’re rich. If I was a multi-millionaire you could literally make fun of me all day everyday and I wouldn’t give a shit. You know why? Because I would be fucking rich.

Oh you want to make fun of my appearance or how much I drink? That’s cool, I’ll just go swimming in my pool of 100 dollar bills with a bunch of supermodels and my pet tiger. Then after that I’ll drive my lambo 200 miles per hour just so I can pick up a gallon of milk which I’ll pay for in straight gold. Not so funny now, huh?

Honestly, grow up rich people. If you’re complaining about being made fun of then you’re priorities are totally fucked. Rich people should be thinking about how awesome it is to be rich and literally nothing else.