Weekend Rundown 8/27-8/29

Television

SEASON FINALE Whale Wars, 9 p.m., Animal Planet - Ya, I had this show on last week. Well, hopefully you caught it and now your as hooked as I am.  The season finale is gonna be sick.  In the first of two parts, the crew learns that that whalers have lied to the public and a Japanese crew kidnaps Pete as he tries to take over their ship.   This is real life people. REAL reality TV, in the middle of the fuckin’ ocean.

Little League World Series: U.S. Championship, 4 p.m., ABC - I’ll be honest.  I’d rather watch this than pro baseball right now. Baseball just sucks without steroids.  This Boston Red Sox team (my hometeam) is easily the most boring I’ve seen in my lifetime.  Hopefully these youngsters can right those wrongs and we can have a second steroid era.  Oh, and I LOVE the “ping” of those aluminum bats.

True Blood: Sunday 9PM - HBO - We’re getting close to the end of season three here people and it’s been a great season.  Can Sookie trust Bill? My gut says no.  Who’s going to kill Russel, the oldest vamp in America?  There are so many questions that need answering and so little TV time to get them answered by.  But unlike Sopranos, True Blood always gives the answers we need!  Yea, I’m still bitter that I have to spend about 30 minutes of my day still wondering if Tony died or not.

Events

UFC 139,392 - UFC comes to Boston for a big match between former boxing great Andrew Toney and former UFC great Randy Coutoure. Combined age between the two? 89. I just hope no one breaks a hip because this is going to be some grandpa fighting. Oh yeah and BJ Penn is probably going to kick some nobodys ass. Yawn, tell me when mayweather and pacquio get in the same room

US Open - Does anyone actually watch Tennis? I didn’t think so, moving on…

Hummingbird Festival, Charlotte North Carolina - I could tell you how awesome this festival is but I can’t really do it justice so I’ll just give you a snip from the festival’s guide.

The festival offers a chance to see ruby-throated hummingbirds as they depart for their long journey south for the winter. Most fly on buzzing wings all the way across the Gulf of Mexico — a 500-mile, non-stop flight over open water!

You haven’t partied until you’ve partied at the Charlotte Hummingbird Festival thats for damn sure.

Just look at some of the highlights! I’m fucking pumped

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Weekend Rundown 8/6-8/8

Television

My Child Is a Monkey, 9 p.m., NatGeo - God Damnit.  I mean, what the fuck?  I really just can’t stand these people who adopt monkeys and treat them as if they’re their children.  You’d think after that ape ripped that woman’s face apart a couple years back, people wouldn’t be so god damn stupid.  I will watch this show so when i see those people on the nightly news down the road, mangled and deformed, I will laugh and say “I told you so you, asshole”.

Croc Attack, 9 p.m., Discovery - Anyone dare put a diaper on a croc and feed it with a baby bottle?  I didn’t think so.  Crocodiles rank in the top 3 most bad ass animals in the world along with Great White Sharks and Polar Bears. It’s science.  I’m convinced that crocs kill way more people than estimated.  Then again, if you find yourself close enough to a croc where you actually do get eaten, you probably deserved it.

Sunday Night Football, 8 p.m., NBC - Well, I’m officially pitching a tent over here.  I really have nothing to say about this except for, it’s about god damn time.  Maybe it’s just me but this offseason seemed to go on forever.  Bengals vs. Cowboys.  Should be a great watch while the starters are in.  On a side note,  I wish death upon Brett Favre.  That is all.

I dare you not listen to this on replay at least 4 times.

Events:

Korean BBQ Cook Off - Aug 7 - Los Angeles - Color me intrigued.  Maybe I’m just ignorant but I’ve never had Korean BBQ and never knew that it existed.  However, I’ve never found a type of BBQ that i didn’t like so I’m always open to suggestions.  Word is that this little shindig was a major hit last year so maybe it’s worth checking out.

Giants in the City - Aug 7 - Miami - The 2010 Summer Exhibition of Giants in the City, features 22 giant sculptures fabricated in nylon, inflated, and supported upright by a continuous supply of air through the interior.  Sounds like an absolutely terrific to go to with a sharp object doesn’t it?  Maybe there’ll be a moonwalk as well.  Everybody loves those.

The BIG DIG Beach Volleyball Tourney - Aug 7 - Chicago - The title may be a bit deceiving.  I don’t give two shits about some stupid volleyball game.  However, volleyball is not the only sport being played at this thing.  There’s also a massive dodgeball tournament!  Why there aren’t more of these, I’ll never know. I mean have you seen the movie? I can’t imagine it being any less intense than that.

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Weekend Rundown:

7/31-8/1

Television

Beverly Hills Ninja -  Encore - July 31^st 8am - This movie got nowhere near the credit it deserves.  It’s vastly underrated in my book.  Poor Chris Farley went and killed himself because you assholes didn’t give this movie its due.  For shame.  Make it up to the hilarious dead man but watching it this weekend.

Shark week begins 8/1 on Discovery Channel - YES! FINALLY!  I’ve been waiting for Shark week since it last ended.  Some people think Shark Week is getting a bit “long in the tooth” (pun intended).  Not me, I’ll watch any show about sharks and I’ll watch it multiple times. Hell, I’ll watch it over and over and over and over and over and over and over…..

Survivor Man Marathon - July 31^st Science HD - So what if Les Stroud is just a pussy version of Bear Grylls? Being half as manly as Bear Grylls is like saying you’re half as good at basketball as a prime Michael Jordan.   You’re still Lebron James.  Hayooooo.

Events

Oyster Shucking Lessons, July 31^st 1-3pm, Mercato del Mare - Besides the fact that I just love saying the word “shucking”; That’s right, “SHUCKING”; I always wanted to learn how to properly “SHUCK” an Oyster. If you’ve never seen a guy who can shuck oysters like, well, like it’s his job; it’s pretty bad ass.  I’m always down for looking bad ass.

Brooklyn Burger Eating Contest, July 30^th Queens NY - Now I’m not pegging THG’s demographic as a group of overweight young to middle aged men but, well, who am I kidding? You guys are a fuckin mess.  So, join your fellow sub human brotheran and try your hand at this burger eating contest.

Worlds Largest Corn Dog Contest Jluy 30^th, Ionia MI - Fuck yes.  Sometimes dreams do come true.  Corn Dogs are the greatest. There’s only one problem with them.  They’re too god damn small and unsatisfying.  I have been dreaming of the day when they start supplying grocery stores with 1 to 1.5 pound corn dogs.  Maybe this is the beginning? Let’s hope so damnit.

Guitar Hero Tournament July 31^st 2pm LA - Los Angeles. Tinseltown.   The home of beautiful weather and beautiful women.  But in case women and weather aren’t really “your thing”, I’ve got something for you shut ins to do as well this weekend.  Who knows, maybe you could end up meeting this guy…..

(Watch this whole thing)

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Television

British Open (Saturday and Sunday) - But only if John Daly is still in the running. Otherwise I’m boycotting this shit. Some weird European guy will end up winning with a name no one can pronounce. Oh and you have to wake up at 5 am to watch it. No Thanks.

Aliens vs Predators Requiem (Saturday 9pm FX) - Do I really have to sell this? I mean if youre sitting at home by yourself on a Saturday night in the summer youre most likely watching this movie. And I will not judge you at all.

Godfather 1 and Godfather 2 - I dont actually know if this is on at any point during the weekend but I’m going out on a limb and saying it will be, so watch it. Just be careful if 3 is on, that shit was wack.

Events

Sheffield Garden Walk (Chicago) - Want to get really drunk in the middle of the day and make rich people really uncomfortable while walking through their finely manicured gardens? Oh because I do.

Pitchfork Music Festival (West Loop Chicago) - Real good music and the added bonus of making the entire city smell like Cheech and Chong’s living room. Win-Win.

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Weekend Rundown: 7/9-7/11

Television:

Nat Geo-Amazing – Friday 7:00PM EST – Nat-Geo –  The premiere of Nat-Geo’s new series “Amazing” is tonight. I will watch anything on Nat-Geo. ANYTHING.  I will also watch anything with Samaurai’s. God damn, I’m two for two: “A doc series showcasing the most unusual or astonishing parts of our world, which includes urban penguins, flying cars and samurai swordsmen.”

The Hooters 2010 International Swimsuit Pageant – Saturday 9:00 PM EST – Spike – This one is more or less self explanatory.  If you’ve got sumthin better goin on that watching this, well, my hats off to ya. Then again, if you’re telling yourself that you do, you’re a fuckin liar and nobody likes a downright fraud.

World Cup Final – Sunday 2:30 PM EST – ESPN – Ok. Fine. I admit it. I will probably ending up watching this god damn soccer finale.  But not because I give two shits about soccer, because I don’t.  So why put this up you ask? Because I know who’s going to win and I’m bout to make all of THG readers rich! Well, I’m not. Paul the physic Octopus is.  If you’ve watched any WC news lately, you’d know that this incredible Octopus has picked the last three WC match winners. And guess what, he just went ahead and picked Spain to be the World Cup champs over the Netherlands. So bet your car, your house, your life savings, whatever you’ve got on Spain.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch – Sunday 9:00PM – VH1 –There must be sumthin in the water over at VH1.  The people that brought you Pop Up Video, Flavor of Love and The T.O. Show are at it again.  What we’ve got here is basically a non-homo version of the Bachelor. Where instead of the Bachelor being a complete and utter pussy, the incomparable OchoCinco is going to have 85 ladies vying for his love. Kiss the Baby, bitches.

Events:

BLOWW – Friday 8:30 PM – PA’s Lounge, Boston – Try and think of the funniest acronym you can make for the word BLOWW. I’ll give you a second…….Done? Whatever you just thought of, consider it only the second most amusing possibility.  Tonight in Boston, the Boston League of Women Wrestlers are promising to “pop your feeble mind like a zit before prom”.  Jesus Christ.  (shoutout to HFB for finding me this one)  Check them out here:  http://www.blowwboston.com/

I’m picturing this event to be the exact opposite of this:

Bastille Day – This weekend? – Everywhere – What’s Bastille Day you might be asking. Well, don’t ask me because I ain’t got a clue.  But that’s not what matters here.  What matters is that the French version July 4^th or some shit is this weekend.  So whatever awesome shit you did on July 4^th, do it again this weekend.  This time though, instead of for America, do it in honor of the people who are the butt of pretty much every offensive joke I can think of, the French.

Meatopia – Sunday. 11:30-4:30 – Governer’s Island, NYC – If this was a within a reasonable distance to my location, I’d honestly be there with bells on.  If you live in NY, you’ve got no excuse.  Maybe you’re a vegetarian? Maybe you don’t believe in the innocent killing of defenseless animals? Either excuse sound like you? Well, fuck you very much.

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Weekend Rundown: 7/2-7/4

Television:

Space Jam – Friday 8:00PM EST - Encore –  This seems like an appropriate movie to kick off your July 4^th weekend considering all the hi jinks that Bugs Bunny created that involved the use of explosives to destroy his arch enemies, namely Marvin the Martian and Elmer Fudd.   It’s also a chance to re-watch the toughest test of Michael Jordan’s illustrious career, taking him to places that will test what’s humanly possible. Ewing and the Knicks? Stockton, Malone and the Jazz? They got nothin’ on THE MONSTARS!
Southern Fried Stings – Saturday 10:00 PM EST – CourtTV– On first glance, the title of this show is a bit deceiving. My first impression was, “Another cooking show. Bullshit”.  But wait, this bad ass wolf in sheep’s clothing actually has the potential for greatness. It’s a knock off on everyone’s favorite show, COPS! With info like this: “A conspiracy is revealed when a toy-store robber is nabbed and a high school football team might be involved in illegal activities” Can you really afford to miss it?

For the record, this fine young lady seen below DOES NOT sell crack.  So don’t disrespect her.

Dance Your Ass Off – Sunday 10:00 AM EST – Oxygen – Need some motivation to get off your ass and  make the most out of your July 4^th? Fear not.  After watching this catastrophe you won’t want to watch TV for at least another 48-72 hours.  It’s a ‘Biggest Loser’ spin off. Basically, the show is a bunch of morbidly obese people dancing with the ultimate goal of trying to lose weight.  Only one losing weight is me though because I’m about to lose my lunch just thinking about it.  Revolting.

P.S. – If you were again wondering if I had forgotten about the World Cup……………..I hadn’t!

Events:

THERE IS ONLY ONE EVENT THIS WEEK:

TO BE LIKE THIS CLOWN AND GET YOUR HIGH GRAV ON!

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Weekend Rundown: 6/25-6/27

Television

1. Happy Gilmore – Friday 8:00PM EST - Encore –  What could be more perfect after a long week of work than a pick me up, zero to hero, rags to riches story like Happy Gilmore. The man could’ve been a hockey phenom if not for that unfortunate incident with his ice skate. To this day, I can not decide which movie is greater; Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison.  It would be like having to pick which of my non existent children I love more.  I refuse to do it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NCbmCJ1dCk&feature=related

2. Runnin Down a Dream; Tom Petty and the Heart Breakers – Saturday 3:00 PM EST – Sundance – Does anyone get this channel?? If you do, I’m comin over to your place watch because I sure as shit don’t. Don’t try and stop me.  You don’t even have to be there if you don’t want. But if you don’t, don’t even bother being my friend anymore.  Tom Petty is a fukkin’ legend and should be treated as such. If you agree, DO NOT watch this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSzx_wd-gHE

3.DynoCroc vs. Supergator – Saturday 9:00 PM EST – SciFi – Got Saturday evening plans? Cancel em. This movie is going to be an absolute classic. How do I know? Let’s run down the 3 ingredients that lead to a recipe for success. 1. No plot? Check. 2. Terrible actors? Check. 3. Embarrassingly shitty special effects? Check! For the record, my money is on DynoCroc because dinosaurs are without a doubt the most badass creatures ever and anyone who knows anything knows that crocs grow to be larger than gators. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lX3Jdw8Dxs

4. Entourage Season Premiere – Sunday 10:30PM – HBO – It’s that time again. It’s time for that 30 minutes each and every Sunday night where you take a seat on your couch and take a look at what you wish your life could be.  These 4 shitheads live the greatest life there is to live. Period.  That’s why people watch.  But, is it a magical 30 minutes or a depressing 30 minutes? I’ve been trying to figure that out for the last 5 seasons or so. Check out “The Best of Ari Gold” if you need a refresher as to why the show is so damn addicting. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGTJSorTQvw

P.S. – If you were wondering if I had forgotten about U.S. Soccer……………..I hadn’t.

Events

1. Fantasy Football Season – Right Now – Across the Globe. – I’ve made a decision.  A monumental decision. A decision that will effect millions across the universe. And not a moment too soon.  It’s time to start thinking fantasy football.  You know what they say; “Every end (basketball season) brings a new beginning (fantasy football season)”.  They say that right?  I’m pretty sure I heard it somewhere. Either way, round up the troops, pick up your fantasy mag of choice and create your leagues because the fantasy season is less than 3 months away!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P4Z6n9ECXHw

2. Paula Cole – Sunday 8:00 PM – S.P.A.C.E/, Chicago IL. – No way! She’s alive?? What great news. Not only is she alive but on Sunday she will be performing for a select few lucky Chicagoites at S.P.A.C.E..  If you were growing up through the 90’s like I was you know the type of supreme icon she was. Only issue I see is, is she just going to sing “where have all the cowboys gone” over and over? She only has that one song to my knowledge. Am I wrong? Oh, and in case you wondering where those damn cowboys went, they came to thehotglove of course! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPR108kwNo4

3. Mexican Ice Cream Party – Sat. 11-4PM – Lime Taqueria, Atlanta, GA – Hey now! A Mexican ice cream party! A couple things intrigue me about this.  First, how many Mexicans live in Atlanta, Georgia? Three or four?  Secondly, what the hell is Mexican ice cream? My vision would be a couple Coronas or Tecates thrown into the ice cream machine to make some sort of frozen alcoholic concoction. Under this ridiculous assumption, this event is a must attend. If this isn’t the case, and these Mexicans are actually trying to run a legit business, I apologize for wasting your time. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k64w3354kE&feature=related

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Editor’s Note

Every Friday we will be running a ‘What To Watch For’ segment, written by BDUB, a man whose  opinion  you will learn to trust more than your own mother’s. You want to enjoy your weekend or not? That’s what I thought… Any tips or suggestions, send to [email protected]

Weekend Rundown: 6/18-6/20

Television

1. So I Married an Axe Murderer – Friday 4:50PM EST - Encore –  Still looking for a reason to duck out of work early this week?  Look no further. Just tell your boss that you need to watch Mike Myers’ most brilliant on screen performance, ever.  Don’t believe me? Check out this gem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUTc5pGkZjw&feature=related

2. Pete Sampras vs. Patrick Rafter, 2000 – Saturday 11:00 AM EST – ESPN Classic – Waking up, too early, on Saturday morning after a night of drinking.  It happens too often. I need some TV that’s going to help me grab a couple more hours of shut eye while still getting me my sports fix. “Classic” Tennis? I’m falling asleep as I wr…… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkQ58TnSdug

3. Man vs. Wild – Saturday 8:00 PM EST – Discovery – Need to get pumped for Saturday night? Forget liquid courage.  After one hour of watching the incomparable Bear Grylls you’ll be prepared to pick a fight with your best friend, the bouncer at your favorite bar or even the two cops leaning up against their car canvassing the scene for shitheads just like you to lock up. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtIG4TuVnvg

4. True Life Marathon – Sunday 10:00AM AM EST – MTV – Maybe it’s just me, but Sundays are depressing (assuming it’s not football season).  Waking up, the truth sinking in, that I have to, once again, return to work the next day, for five straight days. It’s almost too much to bear. There is a remedy though; watch people the entire day who’s lives are far more miserable and far more fucked up than yours! You’d  be surprised at the power that laughing at someone elses expense carries with it.  With titles like “I’m addicted to crack”, “I have tourrettes” and “I have acne”, you are bound to boost your self esteem 10 fold after watching them. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEzLpQUKiHI

Events

1. Pro Midget Wrestling – Friday 7:00PM – 4^th and B, San Diego CA. – San Diegoens, San Diegoians, San Diegons, whatever Ron Bergundy decided to call you; you can thank me later for this one.  Head down to 4^th and B on Friday night to see sumthin that will make you the envy of everyone you know. Professional Midget Wrestling.  Yep, you heard me right. I’m considering flying across the country for this one. That is, assuming the tickets weren’t sold out 30 seconds after they went on sale. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLrTLRn8q60 .

2. TBS ‘Very Funny’ Fest – Friday 8:00PM – Chicago Theatre, Chicago IL. – Word on the street is that TheHotGlove has a very loyal following out of Chicago so here’s one for you.  Like Rescue me? Like Denis Leary? If so, hit up the Chiacgo theatre on Friday night and for 50 bucks you can see Denis Leary, Adam Ferrera and Lenny Clarke do their thing.  Should be a good show.  Guaranteed to be funnier than anything on TBS, that is for sure.   On a side note, I really want to play some Halo right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNoDdjwGs98

3. Boston Red Sox vs. Los Angeles Dogders – Fri-Sun – Fenway Park, Boston MA – I won’t lie.  I’m not a huge baseball fan. But I’m gonna jump on the bandwagon just in time for ManRam’s return to Boston. I love Manny.  Everybody loves Manny don’t they?  I guess we’ll find out in a couple hours.  I’ll be there tonight and I for one will be cheering for the man who once took a piss behind the green monster during gameplay, made a diving interception of a cut off throw that wasn’t intended for him and gave a Sox fan a high-five as he climbed the wall to make a catch.  Take a bow Manny. *sniffle, sniffle*. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skMbcNmDFCA

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