Look, I don’t pretend to be Don Juan but I know what women like and don’t like and telling a woman she “farts like a clydesdale” is a guaranteed panty dropper. Show me a girl that won’t hook up with you after telling her she farts like a horse and I’ll show you a fucking liar.

PS

Hey bro, next time go for the pita over the ciabatta. Way better to wave off lady farts in the grocery store.

-Hey Honey, Its picture time, did you grab the gun?

-Yeah, do you have the parakeet?

-Yeah

-Ok cool, now lets fucking do this.

Look, I am going to be frank with you guys. I was going to write about Bob Ross today. You know the guy who starred in the best show ever, “The Joy of Painting”. If your digging into the spank bank memory bank to try and remember that show let me jog some of those memories free for you. The guy had an afro that shaft would even be impressed by. He drew “happy trees” and “smiling clouds” and really brought a level of excitement, fascination, and soothingness (which is clearly not a word) that any Pedophile would be proud of.

What happened you ask?

I got hungry after 2 sentences and needed to switch my topic to food. OREO FUCKING BROWNIES!

If you need me to explain these sexy brownies just tell me where you live and I will be right over…with a .44 magnum and a shovel. Yes that is a written threat but whatever, I have been given a license to kill from MI-6 so I can do what ever I want. Honestly I remember middle school lunch so clearly now. I think I was in my “bulking” phase during the offseason for lacrosse, so my conscience coach told me to ingest as many calories as I could and then work out like a beast. Well Ol’ Fat Bastard is notorious for being a “half” listener and really only got the calorie part of that message. Lets just say my nickname was “chocolate” (in my mind the girls were calling me “sexual chocolate” but I came to find out the hard way that was not the case, but rather because I always had brownie on my shirt). Either way they were good, I need to end here because I started to write my P.S. before finishing the article due to some ADD and rage against healthy food and it would be too long. (To Be continued…maybe)

-Fat Bastard

P.S. Is Google serious with this shit? I try to find a quality photo of a delectable oreo brownie for my readers and this shit pops up…

SOY ICECREAM! honestly where in “oreo brownie nabisco” is the phase “soy ice cream”. I have been told I am a hippie basher (which is not necessarily true - but lets be real, does anyone like the person who looks like mr. socko and is stumbling around to Treys one note solos proclaiming him and Phish to be the greatest band ever? they might have some good songs but lets not get ahead of ourselves here). The people I really hate are these modern earth crunching ass holes. Fucking people that are like, “I eat only white meat, fish perhaps with a side of organic white rice and veggies. If i am daring I might have 1 semi-sweet chocolate covered strawberry grown from the local farm!” Well guess what you Granola and Oat eating, Earth loving, big corporation hating dipshit, soy gives you cancer too, as well as HIV (which has just proclaimed to have been cured in britain (spelled with a lower case because they dont have my repect yet) read with skepticism though) as well as Ebola, FACT!!. So go fuck yourself.

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s - Oreo Brownies” »

Fact - American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive in each first class salad.

Spy’s Take - They may have saved a few extra bucks but as the old saying goes, “You don’t win friends with salad”

Picayune, Mississippi (The Weekly Vice) - Robert T. Hurst, a 47-year-old Picayune man was jailed after he allegedly stripped off all his clothes and ran around a cemetery nude because he wanted to photograph “orbs”.

According to the Pearl River County Sheriff’s Office, a motion-activated camera in place to catch vandals recorded a nude man wandering around a local church cemetery.

Investigators say Hurst, who was identified via an anonymous tip, stated that he believed his skin was the best canvas to show a spirit’s “orb of energy.” He explained that photographing orbs had been his hobby over the past year, and he had initially planned on taking off his shirt only, before deciding to go completely nude.

He told police that he was not planning to go into any more cemetery’s, even fully clothed, and that he had enough of the hobby and it was time to put it to rest.

Hurst was booked into jail and charged with indecent exposure. He was released after posting $500 bond.

Wait, how else were the cops expecting Robert Hurst to find his orbs? Everyone knows the only way you can get awesome orbs is to get naked and run around a cemetery, and if anyone tells you different they’d be lying through their teeth.

You want to find some orbs fully clothed? Or in the middle of a field? Be my guest. Orb away. But you can bet your ass that those orbs will be nothing like a naked cemetery orb. Because at the end of the day there ain’t no party like a naked cemetery party because a naked cemetery party don’t stop.

PS

Someone want to check Robert Hurst’s basement for us. I’m thinking there might be a few other things in there besides orb pictures. Just a hunch.

Alright, I get it. Enough is enough. Russians are badass. Putin is the man. Swinging from towers on homemade bungy cords is fun. Just stop the bleeding already. I mean did this guy even flinch for one second? Its like he eats shovels to the head for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Didn’t even get out of his seat. And then when all is said and done his friend sits right back down at the table to drink some vodka and play some Russian roulette. You want to talk about a good time? That right there my friends is a good fucking time.

PS

I guess I shouldn’t be that ashamed. At least America is the most financially stable country in the world.

Wait Till You See Where He Hid His Nuts

How old is that chick? Honestly, she looks like she’s 10. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though, typical Lakers fan, getting her ass beat  by a 10 year old girl.

PS

How about that bald guy just taking it all on. Guy didn’t even flinch. Like get out of my way girls I’m trying to check out the Luvabulls.

Clearwater, FL, United States (CNS) - Hulk Hogan’s wedding was like a recreation of his wrestling career. The 57-year-old wrestler married girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel in a ceremony that required cops for intervention Tuesday evening.

Hulk – real name Terry Bollea – was about to exchange I Do’s with Jennifer when a scuffle broke out. TMZ sources claim that a photographer was trying to take pictures of the pro wrestler and his bride-to-be during the ceremony in their backyard, which happens to be on the beach.

But when a family employee told the paparazzo to leave, a brawl broke out. This was when Hulk and Jennifer were saying their vows.

The cops were called, but since no one wanted to press charges, no one got arrested and the couple were able to say their I Do’s.

This is the second marriage for Hulk. He was first married to Linda from 1983 to 2007

First of all, Hulk must not have known I moved this past summer. Thats really the only explanation for not getting a wedding invitation, which is cool, mistakes happen. Second, is anyone actually surprised a fight broke out at the Hulk’s wedding? Its the fucking Hulk. Of course there was a fight. I bet there was a cake and some pigs in a blanket too. Seriously, I would be thoroughly disappointed if something didn’t go down at Hulk’s wedding. Guy is a showman through and through.

PS

Who has a wedding on a Tuesday night? Oh that’s right Hulk Hogan does.I bet Tuesday is the new Saturday within the next 6 months. That’s how trendsetters work, they decide when the weekend starts.

PPS

Does anyone else think his new wife looks WAY too much like his daughter? That’s gotta be awkward when people point that out.

PANAMA CITY, Fla. – A 56-year-old ex-convict calmly held a school board at gunpoint and said he was seeking redress for his wife’s firing before shooting at the superintendent at short range and then killing himself.
No bullets struck the superintendent, Bill Husfelt, who credited God for his escape late Tuesday. The gunman, Clay A. Duke, apparantly created a Facebook page last week that refers to class warfare and is laced with images from the movie “V for Vendetta,” in which a mysterious figure battles a totalitarian government.

Before the shooting started, the only woman on the five-member board — who had left the room as ordered — came back, sneaked up behind Duke and whacked his gun arm with her large, brown purse.
“In my mind, that was the last attempt or opportunity to divert him,” Ginger Littleton said.

Fucking Ginger Littleton man, what a hero. I love that lady. Just disarming gunmen in super slow mo with her purse. I mean talk about balls. Lady had zero shot to be successful there, zero. But did that stop her? Fuck no. When the shit hits the fan and an ex-con takes the school board hostage its go time for Ginger Littleton. Balls to the Wall all day everyday.

PS

Is there a better name than Ginger Littleton? Just an average middle class mom, running bake sales and taking down crazies.

PPS

I love the school board’s reaction. It was like they were talking to a dog pissing on the rug, not a woman trying to disarm a gunman. Like come on Ginger, I thought we’ve been over this, stop trying to hit guns out of people’s hands with your purse. It NEVER works.

Triple PS

Not to get all political but I’m pretty sure this is the exact reason why handguns should be illegal.