(NEWSER) – Three Chinese passenger flights en route to Batou, Inner Mongolia, were forced to circle for an hour because of a UFO, the Telegraph reports. The object seemed to hover spastically while blinking until it suddenly vanished. Airport authorities held the flights and redirected others “to guarantee safety,” a spokesman said. This is the eighth UFO sighting in China since June. Little green men? Not quite: Most have been chalked up to either military tests or a Chinese custom of putting LEDs on kites and flying them at night.

Umm did they really just glance over the whole Chinese custom of putting LEDs on kites and flying them at night? Kind of an important fact dont you think? Like maybe everyone wouldn’t be freaking out about these UFO’s when they realize its just some wacky dude attaching his fucking flashlight to his butterfly kite and then taking a midnight stroll.

Who flies kites these days anyway? Hello? Theyre called video games, ever heard of them?

Kites are for pussies.

BEIJING — A northern Chinese province has punished more than 300 employees caught gambling, singing karaoke or otherwise neglecting official duties during work hours.

The vast majority were given warnings or demerits, although six officials whose cases were considered the most egregious were fired, a notice from the Shanxi provincial office of discipline and inspection stated Monday.

Another 14 contract employees were let go, it said.

Despite China’s abandonment of orthodox Marxism, tens of millions of Chinese still work for the government, including in state-run industries. Many also hold leading positions in the 78-million-member Communist Party, which maintains branches in a state businesses and government offices.

Over the decades of communist rule, Chinese officials have developed a reputation for sloth, highhandedness and corruption. Many local government bureaucracies also suffer from bloat, with positions offered to the highest bidder and entire families placed on the payroll. Jobs are often guaranteed virtually for life, with only the most serious infractions leading to firing.

However, recent years have seen calls for tighter discipline and better efficiency as the country’s leaders seek to change the bureaucracy’s image — and that of themselves.

Looks like I’m never going to China. Unless of course I have an itch to be on a most wanted list. Seriously, China couldn’t have picked two activities I love more than gambling and karaoke. Lets just suspend all reality for a second and say I somehow resist the urge to do any gambling while in China. There is a zero percent chance I could go my entire trip without doing a little impromptu karaoke. Communism can’t censor these pipes. You can’t cage a song bird, you just can’t.

So no offense China, but I am going to forego any possible trips to your country until you change these crazy laws and let these political prisoners free. A world without Karaoke is a world I don’t want to live in.

Thanks to Rochey for the tip

(Newser) – An apparently drunk senior UN official tore into his colleagues, the organization, and Americans in general last week at a retreat at an Alpine ski resort, according to Foreign Policy. “I know you never liked me Mr. Secretary-General,” declared Sha Zukang, the undersecretary general for Economic and Social affairs, in a toast to Ban Ki-Moon. “Well, I never liked you either.” Horrified officials tried to coax Sha to put down the microphone, but he waved them off. “It went on for about ten or fifteen minutes but it felt like an hour,” said one UN official.

Then he singled out Bob Orr, an American in the secretary-general’s office and said, “I really don’t like him; he’s an American, and I really don’t like Americans.” He went on to praise both Orr and Moon—“I’m coming to admire some things about you,” he offered the secretary-general—but the damage was done. “This raises questions about whether China is a mature power,” said one diplomat. “The Chinese need to think about this.”

Hey Sha Zukang, I remember when I had my first beer too. Seriously dude, no one gives a shit who you like and don’t like, you’re the Undersecretary of Economics and Social Affairs. Honestly, give me a call when you make secretary, then maybe you’ll get my attention.

Fucking undersecretaries man, give them a microphone and they start popping off like they they own the joint. Guy doesn’t even make the copies in his office, he just warms up the fax machine for the real secretary to come in and work that shit. Please dude, grow up.

After 10 days of bumper-to-bumper stop-and-start congestion, a 60-mile-long, 10,000-vehicle traffic jam on a major freeway west of Beijing has been broken up, Chinese traffic authorities said on Tuesday.

The state television network CCTV said traffic had returned to normal on the Beijing-Zhangjiakou freeway, which stretches from the capital’s northwest suburbs to inner Mongolia. But traffic authorities in Zhangjiakou, about 90 miles northwest of Beijing, said the road remained crowded and that a long line of trucks was waiting at the Mongolia border for permission to enter the highway.

News reports said some drivers were trapped in the jam for days, and roadside residents, weaving on bicycles amid the stalled vehicles, made a killing by selling them food.

“The sellers come offering to sell water at crazy prices, but if you said ‘no’ or complained about the price they threaten to break your shields,” one driver told The Telegraph.

The freeway, favored by tourists visiting a popular stretch of the Great Wall, has become more crowded since large coal reserves were discovered in inner Mongolia, and trucks began hauling coal to Beijing-area power plants. Traffic came to a halt after workers began repairs on the road last week. Congestion is likely to continue until road work ends in mid-September, authorities said.

And people complain about the Dan Ryan being bad. Holy Shit. I just wonder how much of this traffic jam was caused by coal trucks and how much of it was caused by people just killing themselves in their car. I mean that has to be a good portion of this jam right. People just giving up and killing themselves right on the spot. I know I’d kill myself, no question about it. I’d probably do it like 10 hours into it too, wouldn’t even wait a day. And my guess is my dead gross body sitting in a running Toyota Avalon doesn’t exactly help with the flow of traffic.

PS

I have an idea, don’t want to be in a 10 day traffic jam don’t live in China. Seems pretty simple to me.

Thanks to Jake for the tip

God Damn Chinese, what the fuck? Yeah we may own their ass in just about everything but just when you think we’ve widened the gap they paint another animal something awesome.

I just love these pandagators, I could cuddle with a pandagator all day long. And don’t go telling me that it would eat me alive because once you paint a gator to look like a panda your ripping his gator balls right off of him. Thing is a cuddly pet now, ready for me to cuddle it to death.

In a terrible miscarriage of justice, plainclothes police severely beat the wife of an important provincial official in a horrendous case of mistaken identity. The woman was beaten because she was thought to be a citizen petitioning offices in the hope of redressing wrongs committed by the government.

Last month, six public security officers attacked Chen Yulian, the wife of a provincial law enforcement officer, when she tried to enter her husband’s office building, which also houses the Hubei provincial party headquarters.

Despite her many attempts to explain that she was only visiting her husband who worked in the building, Chen was knocked to the ground, transported to the police station and yelled at when she requested medical attention. She sustained a concussion and damaged brain and nerve tissues.

“This incident is a total misunderstanding. Our police officers never realized that they beat the wife of a senior leader. A strong wave of fists rained down on her for more than 16 minutes,” the Communist Party chief of the district bureau told the press.

and

A Giant Panda died after succumbing to gases being used to disinfect a nearby air raid shelter. Quan Quan, a 21 year old Giant Panda, died after rescue personnel tried unsuccessfully to revive her. She had been taken to the hospital but was unable to be saved.

Wait, what? How about we didn’t mean to kick the shit out of a helpless woman? I think that is the appropriate response. Not, whoops, we beat up that one chick but we meant to smash that other one over there.

Seriously, China. Get your shit together. We know you play by your own rules and do whatever the fuck you want but this is just getting out of hand. The minute you start beating up women for sport and killing Pandas is the minute The Hot Glove has to take a stand. This is a political blog after all, and my specialty is global politics.

So here it is, I am officially boycotting Chinese food forever*. Forever, China, think about that. Forever.

I know I’m a callous asshole but even I have limits. I just can’t be supporting a country that is doing all sorts of crazy shit like this. So goodbye General Tsao’s and Kung Pao Chicken, you’re dead to me.

PS

Does Panda Express really call themselves gourmet chinese food? That would be like me calling The Hot Glove the Wall Street journal.

*Forever in this case means for the rest of the morning, because my office is getting Chinese take out for lunch. I mean did you really think I’m never eating Chinese Food again? Get real. This is all Theatrics.

He lives in a telephone booth but talks to no one.

That’s the story being reported in the UK Orange about a man who has lived in a telephone box for two years in China.

According to the article, the man lives in a phone booth in Dalian city in the province of Liaoning. He sleeps by curling up on a ball on top of cushions. There are a stacked pile of food boxes and mineral water bottles by his side.

“He wears old and patched clothes, but he looks very clean,” said a janitor reported Orange. “Quite often he checks his appearance in a mirror to tidy his moustache.”

A woman said the man talks to himself in the mirror but never talks to anyone.

The phone booth is in a busy section of downtown. A community worker said people want to find his family and send him home but can’t help him if he never talks to anyone.

The St. Petersburg Times told the story about a man who lived in a phone booth in 2009 in an effort to break the Guinness World Record for longest stay in a phone booth.

His stay? Thirty days

Wait, where does this guy shit? Are they really going to tell us about this mustachioed hero and not explain how he goes number 2? Talk about some shitty reporting.

How pissed do you think the Guinness World Record guy must be. He probably was getting all sorts of Guinness Book pussy from his stunt. Wearing the medal, or whatever the fuck they give you around town, getting just mobbed by babes. Everyone knows that Guinness Book groupies are the craziest groupies in the world. But now he’s been completely blown out by some lunatic in China that is best friends with himself. That’s gotta be tough. It’s one thing to lose to another competitor but to a guy who is just doing it because he likes to chill in a box, complete slap in the face. I think this Guinness Book guy may have to kill himself, just doesn’t seem like there is any other logical solution.

The pictures, which appear to have been taken at a showcase of painted dogs in Zhengzhou, eastern China, show crowds gathering to take photos of the bizarre spectacle.

In one picture a retriever has been made to look like a tiger, while in another a small, fluffy puppy has been painted in the style of a tiny panda.

Goddamnit China, Just when I thought you couldn’t do anything dumber you go and do something like this…. And totally redeem yourself.

Honestly, if I don’t get a puppy-panda or a tiger-dog in the next week I’m probably going to die. I just need one so bad. Things are so fucking cute I honestly think I need to take the rest of the day off. Just can’t stop thinking about having my own little tiger, thing would be my best friend.

The man discovered the alligator snapping turtle, which is not native to the country, in Weishan Lake, in southern China’s Anhui province.

The species is only native to North America and was probably someone’s pet before being dumped in the lake, the local fishing department said.

The creature’s alien status meant that it could have posed a danger to the local ecological system, they added.

Fisherman Sun Yongcheng said he was surprised when he netted the alligator turtle, which measures 76cm long and 30cm wide and weighs 7kg.

He said: “I suddenly noticed a black thing was hooked on the net, which scared me. It was struggling and biting the net when I pulled it up”.

The spokesman for the Jining Fishing Bureau said this was the first time an alligator snapping turtle had been found in the local water system.

He said: “Somebody may have dumped their pet into the lake, which could greatly endanger the local ecology.”

Well just another reason I’m never going to China. I mean look at this thing, this dude does not fuck around. Guaranteed if I swam in that lake this guy would find me in about 3 seconds and eat my dick clean off. Because what they don’t tell you in this article is that this isn’t just your normal everyday alligator snapping turtle, nope, this is a dick eating alligator snapping turtle.

You can just tell by the way this thing looks that it has eaten more than a few dicks it in its day. Just cruising Lake Weishan looking for cocks to munch on. I can read between the lines, and If I’m a resident of Anhui Province I’m making sure I wear my metal underwear before I get into any neighborhood lakes. Because the last thing you want to do is run into one of these cock gobbling alligator snapping turtles when you’re out for an evening dip.

PS

Remember a couple weeks ago I wrote that sometimes I write a blog post and look back and say “what the fuck did I just write”? Well put another one in that category, because this story had no direction from the word go and everyone can see where it landed.

Liu Ye, 39, from Zhuhai city, married a life sized foam cut-out of himself wearing a woman’s bridal dress.

“There are many reasons for marrying myself, but mainly to express my dissatisfaction with reality,” he said.

“This marriage makes me whole again. My definition of marriage is different from others.”

The ceremony was held at a traditional courtyard packed with more than 100 guests.

The ‘couple’ were led out by a bridesmaid and a groomsman and bowed to ancestors and senior guests for blessings.

Liu says he is not gay, but admits he’s “maybe a bit narcissistic”, reports New Express.

Only in China I guess. I mean this is taking that whole pillow marrying shit to a whole new level. Hey Liu you want to know what I do when I’m dissatisfied with reality, I go kill a bunch of people in GTA or create myself in Madden and win the NFL MVP. Does the trick everytime. So maybe we want to pump the brakes a little and re-think this whole cardboard cut out wife thing. Like I’m not trying to sound like a dick but I’m pretty sure this marriage isn’t lasting past the honeymoon, no way cardboard Liu can satisfy real Liu if you know what I mean.

I just think Liu here didn’t really think this one through. Like if this is me I’m making a badass cutout of myself and calling it my best friend, not my wife. Everyone would agree that if you made a cardboard life size version of yourself dressed up in Rambo gear or something people would be impressed. But let’s leave the wives to the pillows. Everyone knows a pillow makes a great wife, why re-invent the wheel.

PS

If you’re trying to prove you’re not gay, dressing up in a gown and marrying yourself is not the best way to go about it. Just saying.