Wait, what??? Is this real life right now? I feel like this must be a joke or something. Does this lady really take down a roll of bounty single ply every single day? Fuck, and I thought I was nuts because I drink iced coffee in December. Kind of puts a whole new perspective on weird.

Then again I’ve never eaten toilet paper before so I guess I shouldn’t knock it until I try it. I’m just scared I’ll get addicted to the taste. I mean if it happened to Kesha it could happen to anyone. It starts as a fun little taste and next thing you know I’m homeless, friendless, and balls deep in charmin.

PS

I love when Kesha tries to convince her sister to try it, like its a fucking blow pop or something. Sorry Kesha, pretty sure no one else on the planet wants to eat toilet paper.

PPS
I’m pretty sure TLC realized a while ago that Discovery is way better, so their business model became weirding the fuck out of everyone. Seems to be working, you know, if you’re into eating toilet paper.

What the fuck is up with this shit?

Look, I think I’m pretty hip with the times… but I’m not gonna lie, I don’t get what all the rage is with “crazy” piercings, spikes, and ear stretchers and I don’t think I’m alone. Can you tell me one thing that’s cool about opening up a hole in your lip for a snake to crawl through or putting inflatable devil horns under your scalp??? Seriously, I’m open to all explanations.

Congrats to El Capiflan for today’s best comment- you’re in the running for the weekly contest. Yea, I’ve got a soft spot in my heart for Home Alone.

Fort Lauderdale, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Rhonda Sue Tomlin, a 43-year-old inmate at the Naples County Jail scored herself a few more charges after drugs that were sold from her vagina made two fellow inmates sick.

According to police, Tomlin was arrested booked into the Naples County Jail on Friday after her became stranded and a Florida Trooper stopped to help. Although she gave a fake, the Trooper eventually discovered her real name and saw that she had six outstanding warrants for her arrest. She was taken to jail and placed in a day room at the facility.

Later on around 4:40 a.m., an inmate came to authorities and stated that Tomlin was distributing pills to other inmates. Officers strip searched Tomlin, and found a plastic bag in her vagina containing a combined 10 grams of Xanax and Oxycodonepills.

Investigators say Tomlin passed out pills to at least 6 of the inmates, trading them for clothing, food and other commissary items. One person, who admitted to taking 5 pills, had slurred speech and was taken to the jail’s clinic. Another inmate was rushed to Naples Community Hospital after several pills she had taken caused her to vomit and pass out. She was treated and returned to the jail.

What is this bad vagina week here at The Hot Glove? Yesterday wasn’t enough?

This whole story comes down to 1 simple question. Are you a risk taker? Like some people in life just need to take risks. They jump out of airplanes, go rock climbing, drink mountain dew, eat doritos,  that kind of shit. And some people like to live a normal life free of all vagina drugs. Unfortunately as hard as I am this story has made it clear that i am in category B along with the other non risk takers.

It’s just one of those things I guess. I have a few rules in life that I never break and taking prescription medication that was once in a felon’s vagina is one of them. Call me prude, but if refusing vagina pills is prude then I don’t want to be slutty.

PS

Who does Sue’s hair in the joint? That perm is turning me on

PPS

I have no fucking clue what a perm actually is

Crestview, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Emily Sue Van Ausdal, a 37-year-old Crestview woman was jailed Thursday after she was allegedly found so intoxicated that she urinated on herself while her 6-year-old son drilled holes with a cordless drill.

According to the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the woman’s home back in late August on reports that she was too intoxicated to care for her son.

When officers arrived, they found Van Ausdal visible intoxicated with slurred speech and poor coordination. While officers attempted to interview her, she reportedly fell asleep during the exchange and eventually urinated on herself.

Investigators say Van Ausdal also drank wine in front of police and was barely able to stand without falling. Her son brought her a blanket and pillow from his room, and tried to feed her raw cookie dough. She was so intoxicated that she allowed him to play with a cordless drill, drilling holes into a board.

Van Ausdal was taken to North Okaloosa Medical Center for detoxification, then booked into jail and charged with child neglect without great harm. She is due in court October 19th.

So Emily Sue Van Asdal threw back a few tall boys and now we’re all up in arms? Give me a break. So what if she pissed her pants. When you got to go to, you got to go. And if that time strikes when you happen to have pants on, well then tough shit for your pants.

Yeah and I get that she probably could have picked a better time to piss her pants than right in front of the cops, but what are you going to do. Sue probably has a prostate problem and couldn’t get to her flomax in time. That’s why she was drinking the wine too, a couple of glasses a day is good for the heart and who is Sue to ignore the Doctor’s orders. Cops can’t arrest her for that.

PS

I love the son’s hustle. Just because Mom is passed out drunk again, pissing her pants, doesn’t mean the day stops. Theres work to be done, those random holes in the wall aren’t going to drill themselves.

PPS

If one of my 10 future sons ever starts feeding me raw cookie dough on the reg, that one is my favorite no questions asked. I won’t even pay attention to the other 9, i’ll just get my cookie dough dispenser a leash and never let him leave my side.

Wait, hold on. I knew that Juice Boxes made you gay, but Kettle Chips? What the fuck is this guy smoking? Seriously man, cool down. Give us the facts like we, the american public, trust you to do. Just don’t start letting your own personal bias towards kettle chips enter into your reporting. That’s unprofessional.

PS

I’m pretty sure this guy has never met a gay person in his life .  I mean he thinks gay people just frolic around planting roses everywhere and anywhere. Hey asshole, do you realize how expensive roses are?  Get with reality dude, everyone knows gay people have to throw in the occasional tulip and daffodil to keep the costs on their floor planting revolution down.

Bethany Storro admitted to Vancouver Police Thursday that the acid ‘attack’ she said she suffered at the end of August was a hoax.

It’s not clear why - investigators wouldn’t say - Storro burned herself with acid, but Vancouver Police chief Clifford Cook said Storro was very “remorseful,” when they spoke with her Thursday morning.

Investigators served a warrant at Storro’s Vancouver home at 9:30 a.m., and she quickly admitted to the hoax.

My Original Article about Bethany Storro

Well don’t I just feel like the biggest Dummy in the entire world. Here I was taking Bethany Storro’s side blaming this whole fiasco on a phantom acid throwing ugly chick. Now what am I going to do? The reporting integrity of The Hot Glove has been completely undermined. I’ve been bamboozled. I’ve been had. The wool was pulled over my eyes by a psycho canadian lady that gets her kicks off burning her own face with Acid. I can never forgive you Bethany Storro, never.

PS

My only logical explanation is that she wanted a face transplant similar to Sean Archer and Castor Troy in Face Off. Then I am 100% behind this move. In fact I might do it myself. Everyone will be like, “Hey Big Cat, why’d you burn your face with acid, you had such a pretty one”. Well everyone, I wanted the doctors to take my Face……Off!

PPS

I was just joking about getting my face burned with acid and having it taken off. Everyone knows that if I ever got splashed with acid I would just get a mask and become the best wrestler in the entire world.

Glendale, AZ (The Weekly Vice) - Matthew Douglas Hicks, a 32-year-old Arizona man was jailed Saturday after he was allegedly caught taking a bath in a woman’s pool before climbing out and pleasuring himself against a glass door of her home.

According to the Ouachita Parish Sheriff’s Office, a woman called 911 after she found Hicks naked, taking a bath in her backyard pool. The woman told deputies that Hicks soaped himself down in the pool, and then climbed out to do something even more bizarre.

Accord to the arrest report, Hicks reportedly walked up to the resident’s glass door and proceeded to commit a lewd act up against it.

Investigators say deputies arrived to find Hicks walking away from the house wearing nothing but rubber boots. He reportedly explained that his vehicle had been towed and that he wasn’t sure how he arrived at residence, but admitted to taking a bath in the woman’s pool.

When deputies asked about the lewd act committed on the door, he reportedly responded by asking “She saw me?”

Give me a fucking break Matthew Douglas. “She saw me”? Seriously dude? You know fully well that this lady saw you j-o in her face. That was your plan from the beginning. Take a quick bath, clean your stank ass up, then show off your goods and see if this lady was down to party.

No one is blaming you here for getting naked in a rando person’s pool and giving said rando a free show. That was a power move, trying to kick the party up a level. But you know the rules just as well as I do. If you j-o in someones face and they don’t like what they see you have to take it like a man and move on. Don’t get all upset because this lady sent her order back. You took a risk, it failed, now deal with the consequences.

PS

It seems like having a pool in Arizona or Florida is just not worth it. Like yeah its awesome to beat the heat every now and then, but the downside is you have to watch some guy masturbate in your face while you eat meatloaf with your wife and kids. Just doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

I’ve never watched a second of Oprah so I have no idea what actually goes on in that crazy studio in the West Loop. Is this normal? Just a bunch of middle aged women pissing and shitting themselves, screaming like a bunch of wild banshees? Because if that’s true then I think I just found my new nightmare. Fuck the ants and that weird sea thing. My only fear in life is being swarmed by a bunch of menopausal crazy Oprah fans that are GOING TO AUSTRALIA!!!

PS

Whats up with that guy at :44 seconds? Whats his story? Like cool dude you’re going to Australia for free, but is it really worth it?

Covington, Louisiana (The Weekly Vice) - Jennifer Gille, a 29-year-old Michigan woman, was arrested early Saturday after she allegedly became agitated, stripped naked in the back of a cab and then stole the cab while the driver was seeking police assistance.

According to Covington Police, Gille requested a cab ride from a local motel to an address on Harrison avenue, however when the cab arrived at it’s destination, Gille reportedly had a change of plans.

Investigators say Gille refused to exit the cab, demanding that the driver take her to Michigan. When the driver refused, Gille reportedly began “acting crazy” while removing articles of clothing.

That’s when the cab driver transported the woman to the Covington police station where he planned to get an officer’s assistance with removing Gille from his cab.

While the driver was inside the station summoning police, the now naked Gille reportedly hopped into the driver’s seat and fled the scene with the cab.

She was later apprehended about a block from the police station, still naked, but she had climbed back into the back seat of the taxi.

Officers re-dressed Gille after forcibly removing her from the cab. Alcohol and possible drug use is believed to have been a factor in Gille’s alleged behavior.

You know who got the short end of the stick here? The guy in Michigan waiting for this babe to show up at his front step. Talk about the ultimate cock block up. Jen Gille probably called him up and was like “hey honey I’m coming over naked so wait up for me, don’t worry it will only take about 30 hours because I’m actually in Louisana right now”. Then this poor Michigan sap gets his hopes up, probably went from 6 to 12 thinking he was about to get some action, only to be denied by some righteous cab driver and the Cops.

Seriously where does this cab driver get off? If Jen Gille pays the fare she should be able to go to the moon if she wants. Whatever, its not my problem, that cab driver is going to have to live with the fact that he left a guy in Michigan standing on his front lawn with his dick in his hand. I wouldn’t want that shit on my conscience.

PS

“Alcohol and possible drug use is believed to have been a factor in Gille’s alleged behavior”

Sorry I just don’t see it, not this time at least. You’d be surprised how often a girl strips naked in a cab and asks to go on a thousand mile trip. Shit happens all the time.

WICHITA | A 42-year-old man and his pregnant, 20-year-old girlfriend were relaxing at a Sonic drive-through early this morning when they had an unexpected visitor.

His wife.

She confronted the couple about their relationship shortly before 1 a.m. at the Sonic at 2935 E. 21st St., police said. The girlfriend responded by pulling out a screwdriver and stabbing the 45-year-old wife eight times in the head, police said.

The victim was taken to Via Christi Hospital on St. Francis for treatment of the stab wounds, and the girlfriend was booked into the Sedgwick County Jail.

The victim’s injuries are not serious, police said.

Who gives a fuck about these two ladies beefing it out with a screwdriver. What about this guy? I want to hear more about him. He’s 42, dating someone half his age and wooing her with dinners at Sonic. How good is this guys game? Is he the most charming man in the world? Is he hung like an elephant? What’s this guys secret. I mean you just don’t have two chicks, with a 20 year age difference, fighting over who gets to fuck you in a Sonic parking lot at 1 am if you’re not doing at least something right.