(Source) Basketball, suntan lotion, beach blanket — handgun.

The new list of what’s allowed in Palm Beach County parks will soon include firearms under revamped county rules that got the initial go-ahead on Tuesday.

After years of banning guns from county sports fields, beaches, camp sites and other recreation areas, the local rules are being changed to allow people with concealed weapons permits to bring their guns to county parks.

The final vote is Jan. 11.

County officials say the change comes after a local resident alerted them that the local ban on firearms in county parks didn’t comply with a state law, approved during the 1980s, that allows concealed weapons permit holders to bring their firearms to parks in Florida.

You know sometimes I feel like I give Florida an unfair shake. Because for all the pedophiles and serial killers there are probably just as many regular people living their lives. Maybe Florida isn’t all that bad.

Take this story for example. I mean clearly Florida is really thinking this one through, making a rational decision. Its a fact, when you get people at a park and you have barbeques, sun, alcohol, meth heads, youth sporting events and partying, the ONLY thing in the world that can make it more safe is if everyone has a handgun. So hats off Florida, you did good this time.

PS

Back in our college days G and I used to play ball at a less than desirable Madison park and there was one time that a hard foul resulted in a handgun being pulled, and it was at that exact moment that I realized how guns are the best arbiter of meaningless disputes.

OCOEE, Fla. — Surveillance video is expected to be released Monday of a man who police say exposed himself to a teenage girl inside a Walmart Sunday afternoon.Investigators said the man opened his trench coat in front of a teenager at the store on West Colonial Drive ( see map ) in Ocoee.

According to police, the young girl who is younger than 16 years old was shopping with her mother when the incident happened.After the man allegedly exposed his sexual organs to the girl, the victim’s mother tried to catch him, but he got away.

Around 3:00pm Sunday, the store was packed with shoppers when police say the man, in a trench coat, possibly took advantage of the crowds and terrorized the young girl by exposing himself. Holiday shoppers were appalled when they heard what had happened.”That’s not normal. There is something wrong with that person if they have to go out and terrorize children,” a shopper named Joyce told WFTV. “It’s pretty bad when you can’t even go shopping and enjoy the holidays.”Police said the man was last seen heading east on Colonial Drive.

They hope the surveillance video will lead them to the suspect, and have already put out a basic description of the man.The suspect is described as a white male, 6-foot-3, with dark hair and a pony tail. He was wearing a trench coat. The car he was driving may have been a Pontiac Grand Am or Grand Prix with an out of state license tag, possibly from West Virginia or Michigan. The tag number is 8-R-T-4-9-8, and they believe the car has a Florida Gators plate on the front bumper.

Hold on. So you’re telling me a pony tailed man wearing a trench coat who is possibly from West Virginia but lives in Florida went into a Wal-Mart and started flashing his penis to teenage girls? Get the fuck out. How could that possibly be true? The facts just don’t add up. When have you known anyone from Florida or West Virginia to go around flashing their dick to innocent strangers, let alone someone with the fashion sense to be sporting the classy rat tail look. Something smells fishy here and I don’t know what but I’m sure the truth will eventually come out and until it does I’m throwing this story under the fiction category and slowly walking away.

PS

Someone needs to tell Joyce that dick flashing in a Wal-Mart IS EXACTLY what can be defined as normal. You want that tickle me elmo for your kid? Well you’ll most likely be getting a side of dick in your eyeball too. That’s just how it works.

LAND O’ LAKES - A boy’s backpack with an illustration of a bikini-clad woman showing cleavage has led to standoff between the student’s father and the principal at Richey Elementary.

The father, Fred Ferrer, said Principal Ken Miesner went too far by saying that his 9-year-old son, Quentin, can’t wear the backpack at school anymore.

Miesner, though, said the backpack is causing a disruption at the school and the illustration isn’t appropriate for an elementary school setting, where some preschoolers are as young as 3.

The principal acknowledged this is a new one on him.

“I’ve never had to deal with an inappropriate backpack before,” Miesner said.

The backpack itself isn’t new, though, just the controversy.

Ferrer said Quentin, a fourth-grader, wore the backpack to school for about two years without any complaints. Last week, though, another parent noticed the illustration and complained to a secretary, who brought the backpack to the attention of teachers who told Miesner.

When I first read this headline I was all prepared to make fun of some stuck up prude parent that can’t have a good time and ruins everyone else’s fun. But then I clicked on it, and I have to admit, that’s a fucking racy backpack right there. I mean I’m not personally offended because I don’t give a fuck, but I can totally understand where these people are coming from. That chick just looks like trouble and frankly she’s intimidating the fuck out of me. Not to mention I think she may be spray painting or involved in some other juvenile deliquency, bad news

Not to mention the actual/factual thing is confusing the hell out of me, and no one makes the Big Cat look like he doesnt understand shit. So I’m voting nay on this backpack. Maybe I’m the prude, but that backpack is serious trouble.

PS

I will say that its fucked up that the parent complained after 2 years. You get 1 week to complain about shit then you’re stuck with it. That’s how it works. Like I have a friend that has a nickname that I’m pretty sure he despises, but guess what, he didnt speak up in time, so he’s stuck with that shit for life. The statute of limitations has long passed him by.

Deland, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Larry Franklin, a 16-year-old DeLand High School student was jailed after he allegedly held up a convenience store, armed with a bottle of salad dressing.

According to DeLand police, Franklin robbed the DeLand Citro convenience store on South Woodland Boulevard on Friday, armed with a bottle of salad dressing. The suspect reportedly got away with about $468 in cash, which he used to buy jewelry and drugs.

Investigators say two-and-a-half hours later, he entered the Friendly Way convenience store, picked up a bottle of dressing from the shelf, walked behind the counter, and pointed a bottle of dressing at the clerk.

When the clerk pulled out a gun, the teen decided the jig was up and agreed to leave the store. He was arrested a short time later in front of the store.

You laugh at this guy but you never know how serious he was willing to get with that salad dressing. Like what if he was willing to squirt it in the clerk’s eye? You get a vinegar based dressing in the eye and its lights out. Takes you at least 5 minutes to bounce back from something like that.

Or what if he was just going to spray it all over the clerk and ruin his best clerking uniform? Have you ever accidetally spilled a little creamy italian on a piece of your clothing? Shit is no joke. Might as well just give up and throw the shirt out.

So yeah go ahead and make fun of Larry Franklin for holding up a store with salad dressing, but just remember its all fun and games until you are staring down the barrel of a reduced fat parmesan peppercorn.

PS

Obviously Larry Franklin never heard the saying don’t bring a dressing bottle to a gun fight. Way to stay up on your anecedotal proverbs bro.

Bradenton, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Steve Ewing, a 35-year-old Florida man was jailed Thursday after he reportedly used a squirt gun to kill his neighbor’s plants in an alleged dispute over drug money.

According to Bradenton Police, officers had pulled Ewing’s vehicle over for driving on a suspended driver’s license when he reportedly admitted to using a squirt gun and water balloons to poison his neighbor’s plants.

Investigators say he admitted to using Roundup weed killer to attack his neighbor’s plants in retaliation for drug money he said his neighbor owed him.

Ewing reportedly went on to confess that he used squirt guns to damage plants in his neighbor’s front yard, while using weed killer-filled balloons to attack his neighbor’s back yard.

The incidents allegedly took place between May and July of this year.

Ewing was booked into the Manatee County Jail on charges of criminal mischief. His bail was set at $500.

What the fuck? I’ve read this story front ways and back like 10 times and I still can’t figure out what the hell happened here. It seems like the Cops pulled Steve Ewing over for a little moving violation and when they asked him for his license and registration he was like “Sorry coppers my license is suspended but I did shoot poison at my neighbors tulips over some lost drug money back in May”.

Is that how it went down? Like Steve Ewing was living with this huge dark secret that he couldn’t contain anymore. He just had to tell someone that he poured a little bleach on his neighbors roses because the neighbor pinched off his weed bag, and that someone just happened to be a police officer?

I guess what they say is true, some people just aren’t cut out for garden murder. Pussy.

PS

Anyone else see a screenplay in this one? Drugs, Cops, Dafodil killings. Sounds like we just found Jerry Bruckheimer’s new project right here.

PPS

Nice tough guy mugshot there Steve. We’re all sooooo scared. What are you going to do? Talk tough to my azalias? Please

OCALA, Fla., Oct. 2 (UPI) — A police officer in Florida says a grandmother tried to avoid a drunken driving arrest by offering to make him a grilled cheese sandwich.

If Elsie Wright O’Conner, 65, tried the ploy, it did not work. She was arrested Thursday night and charged with driving under the influence, the Ocala Star-Banner reports.

In his report, Marion County Deputy Calvin Batts said he responded to a call about an erratic driver and pulled O’Conner over. He said he smelled alcohol on her breath and found two Skyy vodka bottles in her Cadillac sport utility vehicle, one empty and one half-full.

O’Conner failed a field sobriety test, Batts said. At the county jail, her blood-alcohol level tested at more than three times the legal limit of 0.08.

“Come on now, I’m a grandma, can’t you do something for me since I’m not that bad,” Batts said O’Conner told him. “I could have brought you back to my house and made you a grilled cheese sandwich.”

Can we get a little more information on this grilled cheese please? I mean how are we supposed to accurately judge whether this was a fair deal or not. First of all how does she cook it? Does she work that pan with a little butter and garlic powder? Is she using pepper jack? Or maybe a nice sharp cheddar? I mean that right there is a grill cheese worth risking your job for.

But if she is just throwing a couple of kraft singles on a piece of wonder bread and tossing it in the microwave then this grandma just titty slapped the cop in the face. Rule 1 of Grill Cheese is that all cheese is not made equal.

If nana wants to get out of this DUI she’s gotta show a little hustle, work those brittle vainy fingers and make a grill cheesed that will blow this cop’s dick off. Otherwise its an awkwardly flabby strip search and the drunk tank for her.

PS

Sky Vodka and a cadillac escalade? What did this grandmother rob the fucking medicare truck? Talk about rolling in class, when I’m that old I’m going to be chasing my oxygen tank with fleishmans and rolling around in one of those motorized scooters that goes 2 miles per hour. I’ve been way too big of a dick in my life to have the karmic good fortune of sky vodka and an escalade at age 65.

Manatee, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Raymond Stanley Roberts, a 25-year-old Manatee man was jailed Wednesday after he was allegedly found with cocaine in his anus that he claimed was “not his”.

When officers approached the vehicle, they smelled a strong odor of what was believed to be marijuana. When they asked Robert if he had been smoking, he stated that he had smoked the night before, but not recently. He also claimed to have no marijuana in his possession, even granting police access to search his car.

Investigators say when officers searched Roberts, they felt a soft object in the area of Robert’s buttocks. Roberts demanded that he be allowed to retrieve the item himself, and pulled a 4.5 gram bag of marijuana out of his anus. When deputies asked if he had anything else, he stated that he didn’t.

An officer continued his search, and then felt another soft object through Robert’s shorts. The officer used the suspect’s shorts to pull another bag out of his anus, containing 27 pieces or “rocks” of cocaine, a total weight of 3.5 grams.

Roberts then claimed that “the white stuff” was not his, but that it belonged to a friend that exited the vehicle shortly before he was pulled over. He went on to explain that his friend left the cocaine “behind” and that he he panicked and placed it in his anus to avoid arrest.

Roberts was booked into the Manatee County Jail and charged with possession of rock cocaine and possession of marijuana. He was released after posting $1,120 bond.

I know this sounds kind of weird but I kind of believe Raymond Stanley Roberts. Its sort of like when you go to the beach and you end up with sand in your belly button. That’s not your sand. That’s the beaches sand, it just accidentally ended up in one of your orifices. Same thing happened here, Ray was hanging out with some undesirables and ended up with 8 grams of weed and coke up his butt. Those things kind of just happen. Hang out with the wrong crew and youre bound to end up with crack rocks in your butthole. I think the police of all people should realize that.

PS

Since when did we start getting news stories with vivid description of anus searches? TMI police report, tmi.

Fort Meyers, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - George Pomfret Jr, 49, and Brenda Prothero, 48, were arrested Sunday after they allegedly decided that a full-out sex romp in front of a ‘Good To Go’ convenience store was just what the doctor ordered.

According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called when a couple became engaged in sexual intercourse underneath a tree next to the store.

Investigators say deputies arrived to find the fully nude man having sexual intercourse with a woman dressed in only a t-shirt out in full view of store patrons.

The couple reportedly moaned and grunted to each other “Don’t stop…. Right there” as bewildered customers and a store manager struggled to wrap their heads around the spectacle before them.

“They have been on the property having sex for an hour,” said store manager, Ramona Donato. “Several of my customers were buying stuff at the store with their children. They could see them having sex under the tree.”

Donato told deputies that she tried to get the couple to stop, but they ignored her and kept going.

The couple was booked into the Lee County Jail on a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure where they remained incarcerated as of Wednesday morning.

An hour? Holy shit, George Promfert Jr. is like Don Juan over here. Wooing his love outside the local “Good To Go” shop like he’s sitting underneath the Eiffel Tower with a bottle of merlot. Good for you George and Brenda, good for you. When the time is right, who are we to stop your need to bang it out. So what if its out in plain view of children and innocent pedestrians. Gotta learn how to do it sometime right?

And I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure George and Brenda got this whole sex game down pretty well. I mean their concentration alone is unmatched. When the big lights come on, George and Brenda are ready to bang for as long as you’ll let them bang, that’s just a fact.

PS

Brenda, whats up with keeping your shirt on honey? What are you self conscious? Just seems kind of odd that you would be ok with screwing outside in front of hundreds of people but you’re too shy to take your shirt off and let the girls breath. That’s like being a cigarette smoker who doesnt drink diet coke because it has too many carcinegons. Makes no fucking sense.