Bradenton, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Steve Ewing, a 35-year-old Florida man was jailed Thursday after he reportedly used a squirt gun to kill his neighbor’s plants in an alleged dispute over drug money.

According to Bradenton Police, officers had pulled Ewing’s vehicle over for driving on a suspended driver’s license when he reportedly admitted to using a squirt gun and water balloons to poison his neighbor’s plants.

Investigators say he admitted to using Roundup weed killer to attack his neighbor’s plants in retaliation for drug money he said his neighbor owed him.

Ewing reportedly went on to confess that he used squirt guns to damage plants in his neighbor’s front yard, while using weed killer-filled balloons to attack his neighbor’s back yard.

The incidents allegedly took place between May and July of this year.

Ewing was booked into the Manatee County Jail on charges of criminal mischief. His bail was set at $500.

What the fuck? I’ve read this story front ways and back like 10 times and I still can’t figure out what the hell happened here. It seems like the Cops pulled Steve Ewing over for a little moving violation and when they asked him for his license and registration he was like “Sorry coppers my license is suspended but I did shoot poison at my neighbors tulips over some lost drug money back in May”.

Is that how it went down? Like Steve Ewing was living with this huge dark secret that he couldn’t contain anymore. He just had to tell someone that he poured a little bleach on his neighbors roses because the neighbor pinched off his weed bag, and that someone just happened to be a police officer?

I guess what they say is true, some people just aren’t cut out for garden murder. Pussy.

PS

Anyone else see a screenplay in this one? Drugs, Cops, Dafodil killings. Sounds like we just found Jerry Bruckheimer’s new project right here.

PPS

Nice tough guy mugshot there Steve. We’re all sooooo scared. What are you going to do? Talk tough to my azalias? Please

OCALA, Fla., Oct. 2 (UPI) — A police officer in Florida says a grandmother tried to avoid a drunken driving arrest by offering to make him a grilled cheese sandwich.

If Elsie Wright O’Conner, 65, tried the ploy, it did not work. She was arrested Thursday night and charged with driving under the influence, the Ocala Star-Banner reports.

In his report, Marion County Deputy Calvin Batts said he responded to a call about an erratic driver and pulled O’Conner over. He said he smelled alcohol on her breath and found two Skyy vodka bottles in her Cadillac sport utility vehicle, one empty and one half-full.

O’Conner failed a field sobriety test, Batts said. At the county jail, her blood-alcohol level tested at more than three times the legal limit of 0.08.

“Come on now, I’m a grandma, can’t you do something for me since I’m not that bad,” Batts said O’Conner told him. “I could have brought you back to my house and made you a grilled cheese sandwich.”

Can we get a little more information on this grilled cheese please? I mean how are we supposed to accurately judge whether this was a fair deal or not. First of all how does she cook it? Does she work that pan with a little butter and garlic powder? Is she using pepper jack? Or maybe a nice sharp cheddar? I mean that right there is a grill cheese worth risking your job for.

But if she is just throwing a couple of kraft singles on a piece of wonder bread and tossing it in the microwave then this grandma just titty slapped the cop in the face. Rule 1 of Grill Cheese is that all cheese is not made equal.

If nana wants to get out of this DUI she’s gotta show a little hustle, work those brittle vainy fingers and make a grill cheesed that will blow this cop’s dick off. Otherwise its an awkwardly flabby strip search and the drunk tank for her.

PS

Sky Vodka and a cadillac escalade? What did this grandmother rob the fucking medicare truck? Talk about rolling in class, when I’m that old I’m going to be chasing my oxygen tank with fleishmans and rolling around in one of those motorized scooters that goes 2 miles per hour. I’ve been way too big of a dick in my life to have the karmic good fortune of sky vodka and an escalade at age 65.

Manatee, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Raymond Stanley Roberts, a 25-year-old Manatee man was jailed Wednesday after he was allegedly found with cocaine in his anus that he claimed was “not his”.

When officers approached the vehicle, they smelled a strong odor of what was believed to be marijuana. When they asked Robert if he had been smoking, he stated that he had smoked the night before, but not recently. He also claimed to have no marijuana in his possession, even granting police access to search his car.

Investigators say when officers searched Roberts, they felt a soft object in the area of Robert’s buttocks. Roberts demanded that he be allowed to retrieve the item himself, and pulled a 4.5 gram bag of marijuana out of his anus. When deputies asked if he had anything else, he stated that he didn’t.

An officer continued his search, and then felt another soft object through Robert’s shorts. The officer used the suspect’s shorts to pull another bag out of his anus, containing 27 pieces or “rocks” of cocaine, a total weight of 3.5 grams.

Roberts then claimed that “the white stuff” was not his, but that it belonged to a friend that exited the vehicle shortly before he was pulled over. He went on to explain that his friend left the cocaine “behind” and that he he panicked and placed it in his anus to avoid arrest.

Roberts was booked into the Manatee County Jail and charged with possession of rock cocaine and possession of marijuana. He was released after posting $1,120 bond.

I know this sounds kind of weird but I kind of believe Raymond Stanley Roberts. Its sort of like when you go to the beach and you end up with sand in your belly button. That’s not your sand. That’s the beaches sand, it just accidentally ended up in one of your orifices. Same thing happened here, Ray was hanging out with some undesirables and ended up with 8 grams of weed and coke up his butt. Those things kind of just happen. Hang out with the wrong crew and youre bound to end up with crack rocks in your butthole. I think the police of all people should realize that.

PS

Since when did we start getting news stories with vivid description of anus searches? TMI police report, tmi.

Fort Meyers, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - George Pomfret Jr, 49, and Brenda Prothero, 48, were arrested Sunday after they allegedly decided that a full-out sex romp in front of a ‘Good To Go’ convenience store was just what the doctor ordered.

According to the Lee County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called when a couple became engaged in sexual intercourse underneath a tree next to the store.

Investigators say deputies arrived to find the fully nude man having sexual intercourse with a woman dressed in only a t-shirt out in full view of store patrons.

The couple reportedly moaned and grunted to each other “Don’t stop…. Right there” as bewildered customers and a store manager struggled to wrap their heads around the spectacle before them.

“They have been on the property having sex for an hour,” said store manager, Ramona Donato. “Several of my customers were buying stuff at the store with their children. They could see them having sex under the tree.”

Donato told deputies that she tried to get the couple to stop, but they ignored her and kept going.

The couple was booked into the Lee County Jail on a misdemeanor charge of indecent exposure where they remained incarcerated as of Wednesday morning.

An hour? Holy shit, George Promfert Jr. is like Don Juan over here. Wooing his love outside the local “Good To Go” shop like he’s sitting underneath the Eiffel Tower with a bottle of merlot. Good for you George and Brenda, good for you. When the time is right, who are we to stop your need to bang it out. So what if its out in plain view of children and innocent pedestrians. Gotta learn how to do it sometime right?

And I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty sure George and Brenda got this whole sex game down pretty well. I mean their concentration alone is unmatched. When the big lights come on, George and Brenda are ready to bang for as long as you’ll let them bang, that’s just a fact.

PS

Brenda, whats up with keeping your shirt on honey? What are you self conscious? Just seems kind of odd that you would be ok with screwing outside in front of hundreds of people but you’re too shy to take your shirt off and let the girls breath. That’s like being a cigarette smoker who doesnt drink diet coke because it has too many carcinegons. Makes no fucking sense.

Crestview, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Emily Sue Van Ausdal, a 37-year-old Crestview woman was jailed Thursday after she was allegedly found so intoxicated that she urinated on herself while her 6-year-old son drilled holes with a cordless drill.

According to the Okaloosa County Sheriff’s Office, deputies were called to the woman’s home back in late August on reports that she was too intoxicated to care for her son.

When officers arrived, they found Van Ausdal visible intoxicated with slurred speech and poor coordination. While officers attempted to interview her, she reportedly fell asleep during the exchange and eventually urinated on herself.

Investigators say Van Ausdal also drank wine in front of police and was barely able to stand without falling. Her son brought her a blanket and pillow from his room, and tried to feed her raw cookie dough. She was so intoxicated that she allowed him to play with a cordless drill, drilling holes into a board.

Van Ausdal was taken to North Okaloosa Medical Center for detoxification, then booked into jail and charged with child neglect without great harm. She is due in court October 19th.

So Emily Sue Van Asdal threw back a few tall boys and now we’re all up in arms? Give me a break. So what if she pissed her pants. When you got to go to, you got to go. And if that time strikes when you happen to have pants on, well then tough shit for your pants.

Yeah and I get that she probably could have picked a better time to piss her pants than right in front of the cops, but what are you going to do. Sue probably has a prostate problem and couldn’t get to her flomax in time. That’s why she was drinking the wine too, a couple of glasses a day is good for the heart and who is Sue to ignore the Doctor’s orders. Cops can’t arrest her for that.

PS

I love the son’s hustle. Just because Mom is passed out drunk again, pissing her pants, doesn’t mean the day stops. Theres work to be done, those random holes in the wall aren’t going to drill themselves.

PPS

If one of my 10 future sons ever starts feeding me raw cookie dough on the reg, that one is my favorite no questions asked. I won’t even pay attention to the other 9, i’ll just get my cookie dough dispenser a leash and never let him leave my side.

North Port, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - William Tyler Black, a 28-year-old North Port area substitute teacher was jailed Tuesday after he allegedly jacked off in the toy isle of an area Wal-mart with a Sports Illustrated magazine in hand.

According to North Port police, officers were called when store employees found Black in the toy isle masturbating to a Brooklyn Decker swimsuit edition of Sport’s Illustrated. Store security told the officer an employee became alerted when she heard a moaning sound in the next isle. When she rounded the corner to investigate the sound, she witnessed Black masturbating with an erect penis outside his pants.

Employees then watched while Black used his foot to smear the puddle of semen left on the floor. He then allegedly wiped his hands off on a nearby toy (reportedly a toy light saber), before stashing the magazine in a pile of toys.

Investigators say Black continued to shop while employees blocked the isle so no other shoppers would become contaminated or slip on the floor.

Black was arrested and booked into the Sarasota County Jail on charges of indecent exposure and battery (by leaving harmful fluids behind). His bond has been set at $2,000.

Ho hum just another day in a Florida Wal-Mart. Is this even news worthy? It would be like me saying everday this winter that it was kind of cold in Chicago . No shit its cold,  its Chicago. No shit some guy jacked off in a Wal-Mart in Florida, its a Wal-Mart in Florida.

But you know who the real criminal is here, Sports Illustrated and Brooklyn Decker. Didn’t that issue come out like 3 months ago? And its still on display racks? That’s fucked up. You know William Black probably walked by that magazine everyday, seeing Brooklyn Decker’s eyes that say “Jerk off to me right now in this store”, and he was able to hold off for so long. Then one day he couldn’t handle it and just had to do it. Brooklyn Decker can’t look all hot in your face 24/7 without you masturbating in a Wal-Mart at least once. I mean come on, every man has his limits.

PS

Wiping your baby batter on a toy? You got more class than that William Tyler Black

PPS

I like how the Wal-Mart employees quarantined the aisle like it was outbreak or something. You can’t tell me that was the first time there was a jizz spill on a Wal-Mart floor. I just won’t believe it.

A St. Augustine man faces charges after he ran from deputies and covered his body in mud while hiding in the woods, according to a St. Johns County Sheriff’s Office report.

Deputies met with Brian Breeze Croton in a parking lot between a McDonald’s and a Gate convenience store on State Road 16 near Interstate 95 on Tuesday to discuss the details of a theft, the report said. Croton, 31, was a witness to a theft complaint filed on Sept. 10.

Deputies realized that Croton had a warrant out for his arrest on failure to appear, grand theft and driving on a suspended license charges after running his name on computers, the report said. Sheriff’s Office dispatch confirmed the warrant, and deputies arrested Croton.

He allegedly told deputies that he first needed to speak with his father, who has Crohn’s disease. Since he was being cooperative, deputies decided to uncuff Croton and allow him to make a phone call from a nearby pay phone with the caution that, if he “did anything crazy,” he would be facing additional charges, the report said.

As soon as the handcuffs were removed, Croton fled behind the convenience store and into the wooded area, the report said. Deputies chased him and called for backup. They followed his footprints into the woods and within 20 minutes found Croton hiding under some tree roots with mud “smeared all over him from head to toe,” the report.

Croton was transported to the St. Johns County jail and faces charges of escape.

I love Brian Breeze Croton’s hustle here. Just a balls to the wall effort to do everything in his power to not go to jail. And how about faking your own dad’s illness to get away from the cops in the first place. I think you have to file that under “don’t hate the playa hate the game”. Because as cold hearted and karmically flawed that move may be, it worked. We are a results driven society, and Brian Breeze is delivering results.

It just sucks that Brian here was running from the regular Cops and not Predator. Its like he was over prepared. Can you really blame him for that? Maybe its just the K-9 unit looking for his ass 100 yards from the parking lot he just fled from, or maybe its an alien from the South American jungle that hunts humans. You just never know with these things and you can never be too careful.

PS

Whats with the middle name Breeze? Is that a nickname? A stripper name? How does one go about getting that, because to be honest, I kind of want it for myself.

(NewsCore) - A Florida man who lost an arm after trying to rescue some baby birds nearly lost the other one — trying to help an alligator, NBC Miami reported Monday.

Alexander Alcantare spotted the eight-foot (2.5m) gator, which had been hit in the head with an arrow, in water near his Miami-Dade home about 9:00pm Sunday.

“I figured I’d trap it and get it some medical attention,” he said.

The alligator attacked him though, biting him on his good arm as he tried to restrain it.

“I couldn’t really handle him too good,” Alcantare said. “The guy I asked to help me, he got scared and let go of the rope and since I couldn’t secure his mouth, he got me.”

Alcantare told NBC Miami he had lost his other arm when he fell on an electric fence while trying to rescue some baby birds. His arm was burned so badly it had to be amputated.

“That’s why I couldn’t handle him [the alligator] too good like before, but I did pull him out of the water,” he said.

Who the fuck does this guy think he is, Ranger Rick or something? Honestly dude, just let the arrow speared gator chill, he can handle that shit, he’s a gator. And what’s with rescuing baby birds? I’m pretty sure I saw a thing on Nat’l Geographic once that said 99.99% of Baby Birds die. So those things we’re probably fucked anyway. No reason to lose your arm over it.

This is why you should just never get involved in other people’s shit. Like if I saw that gator with an arrow in its head I’d probably just watch the thing from a safe distance for like 2 days straight, but I sure as shit wouldn’t try to help it. You get involved, and you lose an arm, that’s how it works. If you mind your own business you get to keep your arm and you get to watch an arrow speared gator act awesome. Sounds like a way better option to me.

PS

Whats with the friend. I’m 100% against getting involved in other peoples shit but once you do you have to be all in. Pretty embarrassing to pussy out while a one armed guy is wrestling a gator solo. You just got beat by a wounded gator AND a handicapped person, time to hang up the cleats.

PPS

If I actually decided to go after a gator there is no chance I would lose an arm. I’d fuck that gator up so bad, thing would be writing blogs for me by Sundown.

A Leesburg man accused of using a BB gun to motivate a teenager during football drills in blistering heat said Monday he’s sorry and that the incident was a misunderstanding.

Robert Lynn Barker, 41, left his family home and was forced to cut off all contact with his stepson after he was arrested Saturday on a child-abuse charge. He told the Orlando Sentinel that he would never hurt the boy he raised from infancy.

“I didn’t mean for this to get out of hand,” a tearful Barker said. “I’m sorry if I did something wrong. Maybe I was a little over-zealous. I’m sorry.”

On Saturday, the teen began to feel numb and dizzy during a Tavares youth football game and was benched to rest, a Lake County sheriff’s report said. Barker said he decided to take his stepson home after he complained of side pain and that the boy soon felt better.

When they got home, Barker told the teen he needed more conditioning so he set up cones about 20 yards apart in the front yard of their home. He made the boy run sprints in his football gear using the BB gun to signal the beginning of the drill, he said.

It was 91 degrees with a heat index of 107 on Saturday, a deputy said in a report.

What’s the big deal here? I don’t get it. Kid was out of shape so dad made him run some gassers in the backyard at gunpoint. I mean does the kid want to play college ball or not? You can’t just expect to be good at football when you’re out of shape and leaving practice early. Gotta put in those extra reps while your dad holds a gun to your face, that’s how you get faster, stronger, and smarter. Nothing motivates a kid to get better like a little fear of severe bodily injury and or death, nothing.

PS

Do you think this is the first time this guy has ever taken off his hat? Has to be right. That forehead hasn’t seen the sun in years

PPS

Guys name is Bob Barker. If my name was Bob Barker I’d be at the bar getting free drinks, hooking up with TPIR groupies, not holding a bb gun in my kid’s grill piece.