Its the most annoying 2 weeks of the season. Fantasy Football Playoffs. It honestly doesn’t get any worse. Everyone wants to tell you about their matchup, wants advice on who they should start, tells you how they got screwed and how they should of won*. Newsflash dickfuck, no one cares about your fantasy team. Keep that shit to yourself. Or better yet, do what I do, and handle that shit on the field. Get your team properly motivated for their game, watch film on your opponent, get everyone focused. You think my players have motivation problems? Fuck no. Because I’m the best fantasy coach in the world.

*And No, I’m not bitter about this team missing the playoffs, I actually loved this team. They were so bad they ended up being good. Which makes no sense, kind of like drafting 3 Buffalo Bills.

Picks…

Detroit @ Tampa Bay -5.5 - Drew Stanton, you magnificent quarterback you. Leading your Lions to a whole SEVEN points. Is it too late to get Drew on the Pro Bowl Ballot?

Buffalo +5.5 @ Miami - At what point do you think I need to stop getting ice coffee? Or have I already reached the point of no return? Every time I go to get coffee they look at me like I have a gigantic dick hanging from my forehead. I get it, its cold as balls outside, but who cares, I like iced coffee. So, fuck you starbucks, don’t judge me. I’ll order ice coffees when its -10 degrees because I’m a man and I get to do what I want.

Jacksonville +4.5 @ Indianapolis - I’m so torn. Half of me wants the Colts to miss the playoffs because that would be awesome but the other half thinks no Colts in the playoff means no ill-timed  Peyton Manning interception. You see my dilemma here? It just wouldn’t be January if Peyton wasn’t throwing back breaking picks.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Week 15 Picks” »

Was that the best Garbage time cover of all time last night? Had to be. There was no reason for that touchdown, none. But thats what happens when everyone and the pope bets on one side, they lose. And I’m not saying the NFL is fixed because I would never in a million years criticize my BEST FRIEND. But if you were to make the argument that the fix was on, last night is a pretty good place to start. The Colts one, they deserved to win, and Vegas won because the Titans covered with o seconds left. Oh and I won too because like I said yesterday I have an awesome genetic makeup.

Picks…

Cincinnati +8.5 @ Pittsburgh - Like I said on Sunday night, Big Ben breaking his nose doesn’t really matter. Its not like Brad Pitt just broke his nose. Big Ben is ugly as fuck. Who knows, that nose break might even help him out, maybe he’ll get a girl without physical coercion. *fingers crossed*

Sidenote - THG friend RV passed along this quote from Big Ben’s Doctor.

“Ben’s Nose looked like corn flakes”

I have no fucking clue how a nose could look like a breakfast cereal but I like it anyway. Fucking Corn flakes face, all he does is assault chicks.

Atlanta @ Carolina +7.5 - Ok I think I realized why the Falcons are playing well. I keep hating on Matt Ryan and my hate fuels his quarterbacking skills. That has to be it. So lets go the other way. 3 Facts about Matt Ryan

Fact 1 - The mysterious “computer” that does the BCS rankings is actually Matt Ryan

Fact 2 - Matt Ryan once gave a hand job to an electric eel.

Fact 3 - Matt Ryan flies in a private jet made entirely out of human skulls.

That should do it, now can the Panthers please cover a spread? I just can’t quit John Fox and his carousel of terrible quarterbacks.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Weekly Picks - Week 14” »

A wise man once said to me, “You’ll lose a lot of money waiting for a bad team to play well”. That man…Barack Obama

Actually it was a cab driver that gave me a ride home from Ohare but the advice still stands. The Colts are not good. Just because they have Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne and they look like the Colts of old does not mean they are the Colts of old. They can’t block, they can’t stop the run, their receivers run the wrong routes and their quarterback LOVES throwing costly interceptions.

Not to mention the fact that everyone in the entire world likes the Colts tonight.  This morning I was standing in line waiting for my coffee and some old lady in a wheelchair and one of those oxygen tanks came up to me and told me she was hammering the Colts -3 for at least a G and maybe more. That’s how much people like the Colts. And when the rest of the world zigs, The Hot Glove zags.

Colts @ Titans +3.5

(NEWSER) – If you’re good at poker, you may have your DNA to thank for it. A new study published today found that people withMAOA-L, the so-called “warrior gene,” were both more likely to take risks, and more likely to be able to identify advantageous gambles. Past studies have shown thatMAOA-L leads to more aggressive and risky behavior, and suggested that those who have it are more likely to lash out when provoked.

The current study took a group of 83 men, analyzed their genes, and then gave them a series of financial decision-making exercises. As expected, those with MAOA-Lmade riskier choices—but not less wise ones. When presented with a favorable gamble, those carrying the warrior gene took the plunge more often than their peers,Nature reports. “Risky behavior is not always counterproductive,” says the study’s author, “and it’s not always suboptimal.”

Way to go scientists, tell me something I don’t fucking know. Do you think I’m the best gambler ever by accident? Do you think I am 87-100 in NFL picks this year by accident? Fuck no. I’m a genetically superior creature. Do you know what comes out of my dick when I go to piss in the morning? Straight MAOA-L Genes. I have those chromosomes coming out of my fucking eyeballs.

But you know what they say, don’t hate the player hate the game. I guess it sucks for everyone else that my genes make it so I am great at deciding between the Titans +3 and Colts tonight. That’s just life.

This Guy

Probably won’t lose a bet all year in College Basketball.

Notre Dame +5.5 @ Kentucky

PS

Reminder, G’s Midnight Oil drops at 10 pm most nights so check back.

If you thought for one second this video was not going to be played before tonight’s game you are out of your god damn skull. I hope Broadway Joe is in Foxboro tonight, someone get him in the booth and kick Gruden to the curb.

NYJ @ Patriots -3.5

Season -86-100-7

(1:23) Yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, get’s me every time.

Why am I the only one panicking about the season almost being over? Does no one else care? People do realize that we are one short month away from the end of the regular season and another short month away from NO FOOTBALL. Then I’ll have to do real person things like laundry, and errands and brushing my teeth. Fuck that noise. If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we have football all year? Someone get Stephen Hawkings on the phone, that nerd bag can figure anything out.

PS

I think I’ve finally met my Microsoft Paint match - the football helmet. Holy fuck does that thing look like shit. Did anyone even know that was supposed to be a football helmet on Hawking’s face? Oh well, guess I can’t be amazing at everything, just most things.

Picks….

Chicago @ Detroit +4.5 - Uh oh is that Drew Stanton’s music? Why yes, yes it is.

Sidenote - Do the Lions exclusively take Michigan and MSU players as their backups? Little did you know Drew Stanton’s backup is John Navarre and John Navarre’s backup is Jeff Smoker.

Buffalo +6 @ Minnesota - Hey Vikings fans you cant complain this week because the team you’re playing is actually more pathetic than your franchise. Shocking right? But anytime you can get two teams that are a combined 0-8 in Super Bowls you can’t help but tune in.

Denver @ Kansas City -9 - The Finger Point Round 2! I can’t fucking wait.

Sidenote - Pat Bowlen, broncos owner said this this week “”I’m not interested in making a coaching change”, translation - I’m stilling paying that bronze son of a bitch shanahan and theres no way in hell I’m paying that dickbag McDaniels to sit on his couch and eat potato chips. Good times in Denver.

Continue reading “The Hot Glove’s Week 13 NFL Picks” »

You’re probably asking yourself right now “who the fuck is that nerd?” Well friends, thats Rusty Smith, NFL quarterback for the Tennessee Titans. And why does Rusty Smith matter when we’re talking about a game between the Texans and the Eagles? Because the Texans shut out Rusty Smith last week and all of a sudden everyone thinks they can play football. And in the words of The Wolf from Pulp Fiction, Lets not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet.

Texans @ Eagles -8

Chances are strong to quite strong.

Magic @ Bulls -1.5

That’s free money right there.

Do you know what the best part of this sweet video is? Akron is 0-10. But yeah, all they do is win.

Miami (Ohio) @ Akron +10

Bowling Green @ Toledo Over 55

Wednesday Night Picks - 2,739-2 (Plus 16,379 units)