Look, I am going to be frank with you guys. I was going to write about Bob Ross today. You know the guy who starred in the best show ever, “The Joy of Painting”. If your digging into the spank bank memory bank to try and remember that show let me jog some of those memories free for you. The guy had an afro that shaft would even be impressed by. He drew “happy trees” and “smiling clouds” and really brought a level of excitement, fascination, and soothingness (which is clearly not a word) that any Pedophile would be proud of.

What happened you ask?

I got hungry after 2 sentences and needed to switch my topic to food. OREO FUCKING BROWNIES!

If you need me to explain these sexy brownies just tell me where you live and I will be right over…with a .44 magnum and a shovel. Yes that is a written threat but whatever, I have been given a license to kill from MI-6 so I can do what ever I want. Honestly I remember middle school lunch so clearly now. I think I was in my “bulking” phase during the offseason for lacrosse, so my conscience coach told me to ingest as many calories as I could and then work out like a beast. Well Ol’ Fat Bastard is notorious for being a “half” listener and really only got the calorie part of that message. Lets just say my nickname was “chocolate” (in my mind the girls were calling me “sexual chocolate” but I came to find out the hard way that was not the case, but rather because I always had brownie on my shirt). Either way they were good, I need to end here because I started to write my P.S. before finishing the article due to some ADD and rage against healthy food and it would be too long. (To Be continued…maybe)

-Fat Bastard

P.S. Is Google serious with this shit? I try to find a quality photo of a delectable oreo brownie for my readers and this shit pops up…

SOY ICECREAM! honestly where in “oreo brownie nabisco” is the phase “soy ice cream”. I have been told I am a hippie basher (which is not necessarily true - but lets be real, does anyone like the person who looks like mr. socko and is stumbling around to Treys one note solos proclaiming him and Phish to be the greatest band ever? they might have some good songs but lets not get ahead of ourselves here). The people I really hate are these modern earth crunching ass holes. Fucking people that are like, “I eat only white meat, fish perhaps with a side of organic white rice and veggies. If i am daring I might have 1 semi-sweet chocolate covered strawberry grown from the local farm!” Well guess what you Granola and Oat eating, Earth loving, big corporation hating dipshit, soy gives you cancer too, as well as HIV (which has just proclaimed to have been cured in britain (spelled with a lower case because they dont have my repect yet) read with skepticism though) as well as Ebola, FACT!!. So go fuck yourself.

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s - Oreo Brownies” »



Move over Beatles, Floyd and Zepplin because your spot on top has just ended. The Beets were seriously the greatest band of all time. This freaky foursome let notes fly high and had the ladies crying. What really tickles my pickle though was how people claim this band from Liverpool sounded like the Beatles. Lets get our facts straight here, its clear the Beatles stole the beets little gig. I mean its even so pathetically obvious the Beatles wanted to be the Beets they stole almost everything about them. Each band had 4 members and even look at the style similarities between Monroe Yoder (Beets) and John Lennon’s (Beatles) glasses

And the Copy Cat

Never noticed how many fucking freckles Lennon had. On a side note, today is the 30th anniversary of Lennon’s death, even though I wasn’t alive then I dare anyone to say the Beatles, their music, and John Lennon didn’t have some positive affect on their life

/end of touchy feely time

The Beets #1 hit “Need More Allowance” the greatest lyrical composure even written, fact. To relate it to the simple minded, it was like a Beethoven piece but if he could actually hear it and make it better (I understand if that makes no sense at all or confuses you even more, cause it confused the shit out of me and now I need to literally change the old diaper out).

Continue reading “Gnarly 90′s - The Beets” »

I don’t have a fucking clue what to write about today because someone is a little grumpy(by the way is that no one of the best words ever invented. Honestly do this for me, sit back from reading this article right now, and say the word grumpy to yourself like 5 times over. It just makes you laugh). First of all it took me 4 different meters to find a fucking spot. Is that some kind of fucking record or something? I think so. Lets break down the film…

Spot 1: Roll up to it blasting some Fiddy Cent looking cool, all the freshman girls are hanging outside my car in Catholic School Girl outfits and yelling some raunchy shit at me. Get out roll up to the meter to toss some diamond studded quarters in it and BOOM. It just says “FAIL” on it. Fuck you Boston. Fuck you Meter maids.

Spot 2: Perfect PPJ (parallel park job) get out with a little UMPH in my step from getting shut down 30 seconds prior. Walk up to the meter and this time no “Fail” written on it. So I proceed to start dumping huge loads into the meter (pun intended). I look down to see where I am at and Shamalama-ding-dong its still reading triple zeros…Didn’t accept 1 mother fucking piece of shit quarter I had. I honestly thought I was in Bizzaro world.

Spot 3: approached spot 3 at about 50 mph’s (which was only 15 feet from spot 2 some ass holes were staring at me like I was driving erratically. Well fuck them and their little smirks) Backed into spot 3 at 20 mph’s get out of the meter and hello, 2 hours and 15 minutes already paid to it. Did a little pound of the chest and point to the sky

**I love the way the biggest news about McNabbs contract is not that he got it anymore, its that the redskins have an out from the contract after this year, Stay classy Washington**

And next thing I know I look to my right to see a fucking car parked there and no meter directly behind it. So the spot was not actually a spot and the meter was the cars behind me. So I keyed that car (well no I didn’t key the car but I did sit there in a trance for 3 minutes just day dreaming about it being GTA San Andreas and taking 10 steps back, pressing R1, R2, L1, R2, Left, Down, Right, Up, Left, Down, Right, Up. Pulling out my trusty RPG and go all Taliban on that car…but in reality I got in and made it to spot 4…not carefully, not calmly and not without an imaginary felony.

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s - RCT (rice crispy treats)” »

If you don’t know me then you have not lived. Some people go skydiving to feel alive; others eat three Big Macs to challenge death. The real men though just shake my hand. See I am so fucking extreme I can send ICP to the ICU with the snap of my fingers and the drop of a line.

“I see miracles every day

I shit my pants in every way

I got tootsie rolls popping between my cheeks

Never change my tighty whities, I am one of the nasty freaks

Smell of dookie

Whatcha gonna do…sue me?”

What defined me as a badass though?

Blading, straight up. I was a devil on 4 wheels. 10 stairs? No problemo. 180 pornstars? No problemo. 540s, no problemo homes. See I would literally melt asphalt with my blades I was so on fire (No it was not melting because of my weight). Then I encountered what would be the toughest trick of all. Convincing people that Blading was cool. This is one trick no-one has ever pulled off and that’s why I had the best strategy ever. Join the other side with wrath and fire, while playing it off like I had been there the whole time. Now that’s extreme.

See rollerblading, or fruit-booting as it is more commonly known as today, is quit possibly the lamest activity ever. I am sorry but taking roller skates, which have an awesome front bumper (realistically the most useless and dangerous place ever to put that thing) and rearranging the wheels to call them rollerblades is downright criminal. Get your own gig rollerblades, no one likes the new kid who comes in and tries to be the man without paying dues yet. Aaron Carter anyone?

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s Blading” »

Forrest fucking Gump. People love him, I hate him. Honestly he did absolutely nothing cool through the movie, frankly all he did was show that he is a tattle tale and display some of the worst listening skills ever. He was one narcissistic motherfucker if I have ever seen one.

The whole movie takes place with him sitting on a bench telling his life story to randos. What the fuck is that? Seriously Forrest why don’t you find out if the people listening to you actually want to. Nothing is worse than faking a shitty conversation with some insano at a bus stop. It seriously makes me want to drink drano until I die. But NOOOO, Forrest here just doesn’t shut up, keeps talking like he is actually telling a good story that’s interesting. I will be the judge of that and guess what, its far from it.

First off, Forrest gets into school from his mom slutting it up with the principal. That tells me three things:

1)   Hook me up with your mom

2)   I need to become a principal in some shitty southern town

3)   You are not the sharpest tool in the shed…cool, whatever…boring

Then you go on to be a fast runner without actually using your legs properly for the first 10 years of your life. Wow I don’t believe it, as simple as that.

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s - Forrest Gump” »

It was a dark time in my life. I had nowhere to turn. Every one of my friends abandoned me and I was left for dead. The year was 2010, specifically 10/10/10 (this past Sunday a date where there were record number of marriages). Well that day I got married too…married to fast food….

Wait this is not a sad story, what the fuck am I talking about! I don’t toot my own horn much but here is a little rundown of my Sunday night dinner.

6:00pm – McDonalds run (wayyy to lazy to make dinner). What did I get?

2 x double cheeseburgers - 440 calories a piece 880 total.

2 x large French fries – 500 calories a piece 1000 total

1 x ice cream for the ride home – 150 calories

TOTAL 2020 calories + an excessive amount of sweet baby rays for dipping pleasure

Then went to a buddies and drank a few beers, knew I wasn’t going out so decided to eat again…

12:00am (later that night) – Burger King run (waaayyy to lazy to make my second dinner of the night)

1 x double whooper – 820 calories

2 x king size fries – 540 a piece – 1080 total

Total = 1900 calories + more sweet baby rays to dump on my burger and fries.

Grand total within 6 hours = 3920 calories

I think I developed scoliosis on my run the next day with all the weight I put on but that’s neither here nor there.

How does this story relate to Bagel Bites?

Bagel Bites are the end all be all in terms of addiction. I literally have a difficult time eating my last bagel bite. Honestly, I have shed some tears when I realized I finished the box of bagel bites and there were not more.

Continue reading “Gnarly 90s - Bagel Bites” »

Well Hockey season is rolling around the corner and you know what that means, NHL 94 is coming back on my sega genesis and I will take my beloved bruins to the cup.

See fat bastard was a fucking legend at NHL 94. I don’t mean like one of those avid gamers that can throw in and win on medium difficulty 90% of the time, screaming with excitement like that weird elk from yesterday. No, I mean legendary in the fact that my parents constantly had to buy a new couch ever year because the gaming seat was worn so thin I was getting my prostate tickled from the springs underneath. Im talking legendary where you can put it on the hardest difficulty and make me play as the Edmonton oilers against the west all stars and I would still win 20-0.

Continue reading “Gnary 90′s - NHL 94” »

Well I need to talk about some music since its been a while since I have. When people think of music in the 90s they think of how teen spirit smells or how Janie’s got a gun. But the only thing that runs through my mind are fat asses. Booty dropping bums.  Raunchy rumps. Flirtatious fannys. Eye popping Keisters. No one and I sure as shit fucking mean NO ONE ever got my point across like Sir Mix-a-lot did.

First off he throws ups some serious tail in the opening shot just swaying back and forth like the prostitute Christian Bale gets in American psycho to have a 3–some with as she is dancing in bedroom before he tells her “don’t just stare at it, eat it”. Bam I’m hooked like whoa, lets just say ol’ fat bastard needed to change out of his sweat pants.

Then his lyrical genius starts to get me going like MLKs I had a dream speech. Shivers up my spine, possible heart attack I was getting so pumped up. Seriously tell me you would not walk into battle with Sir Mix-a-lot after he spits this hot fire on your tits like this;

“So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin’ workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain’t got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don’t want none
Unless you’ve got buns, hun”

Whos Fonda? I don’t like Fonda. Fonda sounds like she does not have a butt and is trying to make other women not have butts. That’s uncool Fonda, and don’t tell me you don’t have a motor in the back of your Honda because Hondas motors are in the front of the car. My response? (read with beat from baby got back going on)

Listen up Fonda

Making me ponder

Should I run you over with my Honda

Or kill you with my anaconda

Then go relax in my sauna

And play with all the fauna

Give some money to Ghana

As you lay in the hospital with trauma

UMMM yea, move over Biggie and Weird Al Yank-a-dick there’s a new sheriff in town

But what else makes Sir Mix-a-lot the frontrunner for president (yep changed gears and think that if he know Americans this well he should represent them.) are the little things. His stage is none other than a 20-foot ass. That’s right 20 feet of booty. You know how bad that would smell, yet Sir Mix-a-lot bleached that ass so well he was able to perform his oral to the fans on it. (singing is now called performing oral FYI) Or the best line of the whole song: “LA face with an Oakland booty”. I mean the raiders are terrible and I would never find myself at a game, but if there is booty like that in Oakland sign me up. Biggest raiders fan ever. Just bought a Campbell  and Hayward-Bay Jersey.

Overall this song sums up my life. Never been in a car accident but I know I will when I run a red looking at some bend-backwards booty.

-Fat Bastard

P.S. stumbled across this 90s band – Huffamoose. They are incredible and love the finger bang guitar-strumming move at around 1:30. They all look like nerds and can play the shit out of their instruments. Sorry the audio is terrible but its all made up for with the chick rollerblading in the beginning. Nice job klutz.

Kids in America are getting too fat…wahhhhh

I had to buy my 2^nd grade son his first bra today…wahhhhhh

My daughter is too tubby to tie her own shoes…wahhhhh

My husband needs enzyte…wahhhh

Who is being blamed for all these problems?

Lunchables. That’s right lunchables. Let me tell you something about those people, they don’t understand how beneficial lunchables actually are. There is actually not one bad thing about lunchables.

Lets break down the numbers, shall we…

So you figure, you have 2 lunchables for breakfast 3 for lunch and 5 for dinner because that’s how food portion ratio by meals should be, 2:3:5 breakfast lunch and dinner. Then you figure that some lunchables have 1,780 milligrams of sodium per package (74%) daily value. That’s 740% daily value of salt, not bad at all. I mean sometimes I get really lazy and figure I don’t want to eat for a week, so I need 700% of a daily values worth of vitamins, minerals, salt, cals and so forth. Lunchables helps solve that problem.

Lunchables comes in the best flavors ever. There are over 34 different varieties of lunchables with great flavors including, deep dish pizza, extra cheesy pizza, chicken dunks, nachos, and my personal fav pizza and treatza. From the lunchables site:

“It’s the treat that all kids love. It comes with a crust made with whole-grain, Kraft Mozzarella and Tombstone pizza sauce. Includes Capri Sun 100% Fruit Juice, mini rainbow chips and chocolate fudge frosting.”

UMM HELLO (Angelina jersey shore enterance) is that not the greatest pizza ever?

I mean tombstone sauce? Like how fucking badass is that shit. What does it even mean? So good you will put a man 6 feet deep just to eat it? So good you die right there because nothing will be better and your life will just be misery after eating it? You turn into a tombstone after eating it? I mean, I like chocolate and I like pizza so why the fuck not combine them. When I was a kid I liked ketchup and I like cereal, so I combined them. I also liked ice cream and bagels. Nothing stopped me from combining those. Can you say next iron chef? Secret ingredient – awesomeness. Oh and for the record I would bring my own mayo infused ritz crackers from home and throw out those ridiculous whole grain earth crunchy dog shit crackers that they came with.

Lastly lunchables comes with great drinks (Capri sun) and awesome candies (air heads, reeses…and so on). I mean let just ground ourselves for a second from this food high we have been on. That is the fucking hands down best way to end a delicious meal. Awesome candy bars and gulp it all down with one of the coolest drinks invented. If I were lunchables though I would start making some geared towards adults more. Something like a full deep fried celeste pizza for one and a box of devil dogs with 3 nips of Johnny walker. Now that’s a fucking meal.

-Fat Bastard

P.S. The UK has only 5 different varieties of lunchables with just variations of ham and cheese or chicken and cheese. No wonder they suck balls.

And I leave you with Less talk more Rockk a cut off of Freezepops album “future future future perfect” .

FUCK IT WE’LL DO IT LIVE!

and this band is from Boston, so they are officially ol’ fat bastards new favorite band, move over floyd and zepplin

With a request from CLaran, an avid hot glove reader and still recovering from when I delivered the 1-2-3 Kid broncobuster to him and broke his collar bone in 94 I will be discussing Clarissa explains it all.

Well Clarissa stop explaining it all, that’s all I have to say. Why? Because she was too fucking hot to talk. That’s right guys I went there. Its clear Clarissa Darling was not quite a darling and it all starts with Sam. Her best friend and avid grunge music listener he used to cum in the back door (window) all the time it just was not caught on film. Seriously excuse me if you are not banging out Ms. Darling because if you are nothing but platonic friends then you are nothing but a herpes infected puss oozing vagina who clearly is huffing to much paint (pic above). See nerds are freaks in the sheets, everyone knows that and Clarissa was a nerd at heart. She cared about her grades but was also a fairly normal person as well. The girl all the guys wanted but never told anyone. You know like the kind of conversation that always comes up when drunk

“Yo dude Steph is a total smokeshow”

“yea man totally, that booty and boobage action was out of control earlier today”

“totally man totally, you know what too, never told anyone this but I think Clarissa is pretty alright as well.”

“Dude you serious? I have had a crush on her for the past 2 years secretly. She hides it well but there is some serious curve action going on under those loose ass dresses. I’m not saying she has a loose ass but her dresses are loose man.”

“yea dude its official, shes banging”

So its official, she is hot. On the other hand Ferguson got stuck with all the ugly genes, both in looks and personality. I mean really? The guy looks like Rick Astley from being rick rolled. Hey buddy the only whos “never gonna give you up” is your parents and that’s about it. Seriously Ferguson…you suck, you get shown up by your sister 24/7/365.

Clarissa was one of my favorite shows and Melissa Joan Hart was incredible as a lead. She was funny, witty, and a prankster, which is totally awesome. Yo Clarissa, hit me up sometime, you might be older but as you can tell from this article I am very mature and would really like to hang out with you because of who you are on the inside.

-Fat Bastard

P.S. just watched a few clips on youtube and she was wearing some seriously risque clothing in some scenes for a Nickelodeon show

P.P.S. word of the day: Acidulous - slightly sour in taste or in manner. In a sentence: most people find Fat Bastard’s favorite type of porn acidulous.

Why a word of the day today? Because I can. Boom.