(source) A Pennsylvania man says he only used a prosthetic called a Whizzinator during a court-ordered drug test because probation officials made fun of his real penis.

Raymond Hartley Jr. told a Northampton County judge on Friday that it was his own, drug-free urine in the device during a random test that earned him a one- to two-year sentence for violating his probation.

Defense lawyer Anthony Rybak said his client was emasculated by comments from probation officials during previous testing and decided to use the device to avoid ridicule. Rybak says Harley “didn’t do this to trick anybody.”

The Express-Times of Easton reports that prosecutors argued Hartley never complained about the testing until after he was caught with the device.

Hartley, of Effort, was on probation for a burglary conviction at the time of the test.

I don’t know why but I kind of believe this guy. Like whats worse, maybe going to jail for using a whizzinator during a drug test or constantly  getting made fun of for your small dick by your PO officer.

I actually bet more small dicked guys have whizzinators sitting in their closet than people think. Probably take them to sporting events to avoid the humiliation when the guy who’s had 12 beers stares at your penis for just a second too long. Its kind of like fat guys wearing man bras. If you have a small dick or man boobs don’t you think you would do everything in your power to mask the situation?

So yeah maybe Raymond Hartley was trying to beat the system, but I doubt it. He’s probably had that whizzinator for a long time. Rocking that prosthetic penis to compensate for his miniature chode since grade school.

PS

If we were to assume Raymond Hartley was  lying, wouldn’t that open up an entirely different box of issues? Like if you had a regular sized dick would you tell the world you had a small dick and that your PO officer made you cry about it just to avoid jail? Yeah you may not go to jail but you’d also be known as the small dick guy around town. You would never be able to live that one down. You’d probably have to get into the witness protection program and move to the middle of Kansas, eating egg noodles and ketchup with Ray Liotta.

I have never in my entire life been more sure of an impending failure than I was when this guy started running towards the sign. Like dude, no offense, but if you run like that you may want to consider just walking everywhere for the rest of your life, because honestly, smashing your face and splitting your nuts on that sign was about 1/10th as embarrassing as your attempt at sprinting.

Officials have pleaded with him to give up sailing, with local coastguards calling him ‘Captain Calamity’.

It’s not my business going around telling people what they can and can’t do. I’m not trying to smash anyone’s dreams here. But I’m pretty sure when you crash your boat 13 times it may be time to pump the brakes just a tad on this whole “sailing” thing.

Not everyone can be good at everything in life. That’s just how it is. Like me for instance, I suck at reading. You know what I do, I don’t read. I just wait for the movie to come out or for someone to tell me about some awesome book and then I walk around town telling everyone I read it. You don’t see me trying to plow through some Shakespeare or War in Peace, just like Glenn Crawley here shouldn’t be going back in the water thinking this is the time he won’t crash.  Why don’t we do these things? Because we would fail. I’ve figured out, Glenn Crawly is still struggling with the concept. So let me help Glenn out with Big Cat’s key to life.

If you think you’re going to fail at something, just don’t do it at all, but make sure you tell everyone you did.

Long Island, New York (The Weekly Vice) - Victor Alfaro-Marquez, a 35-year-old Long Island man, was arrested Monday after he allegedly pulled over a vehicle while pretending to be an officer, only to discover the man he pulled over was a real officer.

According to Suffolk County Detectives, Alfaro-Marquez pulled up behind Detective William Zambito at 4:30 a.m. while driving a Mercedes SUV equipped with red and blue lights on the dashboard.

Police say Alfaro-Marquez flashed his headlights at Detective Zambito so the officer pulled over.

Alfaro-Marquez reportedly approached the vehicle in a black t-shirt and replica Drug Enforcement Administration Badge. Alfaro-Marquez then pointed a bright flashlight in the detective’s face, at which point Det. Zambito identified himself as an officer.

Alfaro-Marquez asked the detective if he was a NYPD officer to which the officer responded that he was a Suffolk County Detective.

Police say Alfaro-Marquez then identified himself as a DEA agent, ran for his vehicle and then fled the scene.

The real officer, Detective Zambito, wrote down the suspect’s license plate number which was later used to arrest Alfaro-Marquez at his home.

Investigators say two badges, handcuffs, a pellet pistol in a holster a DEA baseball hat and matching shirt were all recovered from Alfaro-Marquez’ home.

Alfaro-Marquez, who is married and owns an import-export business, was booked into jail on a charge of impersonating an officer. He has since been released on bail.

That’s just shit luck right there. Really nothing you can do about that. Its like when you hear those stories about people that do everything right in life. Raise a family, pay their taxes, put a little extra in their 401k and then boom one day they get hit by a bus.

Well Victor Alfaro-Marquez’s story is the same exact thing. Guy did it all right, straight textbook. Went out and got some red and blue lights, a fake badge, handcuffs, and even a nice black t-shirt that he tucked in to his pants to look like a real cop. Goes out on his monday morning round up to try and harmlessly rob and intimidate some helpless civilians, then boom, pulls over a real police officer. Just an absolute tragedy right there, and really nothing you can do but say shitty luck dude.

PS

What the fuck is Art Vandelay doing impersonating a police officer? Come on man, you have a burgeoning importing exporting business, too much to risk right there.

Look, I was 100% on this weatherman’s side. If I had to listen to that smug sarcastic asshole all day I would be flipping the bird left and right. Just throwing it right in people’s faces, fingering the shit out of the whole news room.

But if you’re going to try and be tough, go all the way. Don’t try and cover it up with that weird fake yawn creepy hand move you did there. That just makes you look like an idiot and the pompous dickweed of an anchor look refined. You only get one shot to make your point, and unfortunately weatherman you screwed the pooch on this one. Thankfully it happened in England which means it didn’t really count so at least your life isn’t ruined.

(NewsCore) - A Chicago man broke both his legs when he flung himself out a window to avoid making his child support payments, the Chicago Tribune reported Wednesday.

Ronald “Boobie” McIntyre, 35, was hospitalized after he jumped from a third story window to evade arrest after he failed to pay $5,979.66 in court-ordered child support.

Cook County sheriff’s deputies arrived at an apartment building Tuesday in the same block as McIntyre’s home, hoping to take him into custody, but a woman in the apartment told them he was not there.

The officers were invited inside, and an unidentified juvenile alerted them to a window. It was then that McIntyre was spotted lying on the ground below, the Tribune said.

McIntyre, who court records indicate has been convicted of assault 21 times, attempted to crawl away and was only stopped when officers managed to handcuff him to a fence.

He is scheduled to appear in court October 19.

Looks like someone wasn’t keeping up to date on their parkour videos on youtube. Shame on you Boobie. In this day and age there is no excuse for a failed window jump. Just none. I know so many sweet ass moves from watching Parkour vids that I could probably get all the way from the Atlantic to the Pacific without my feet ever touching the ground.

I will give Boobie a little credit though. Guy never gave up. Just crawling around with two broken legs, hoping he could outcrawl the cops. That’s the kind of resolve and can do attitude I expect out of a 21 time criminal who owes thousands of dollars of child support. Guys got a work ethic people dream about.

PS

How do you get the nickname Boobie? Is it because you’re sporting a sweet pair of man-tits? Or is it because you are so obsessed with real boobs that everyone starts calling you Boobie? Or maybe both. You got boobs, youre thinking about boobs, just boobs on the brain 24/7.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

Safety Harbor, Florida — For the first time, a tree trimmer stung about 500 times by Africanized killer bees on Saturday described the attack.

He was working on a tree in the front yard of a home in Safety Harbor when he cut through a massive hive.

“This giant swarm just came directly at me.  It’s like they knew who did it,” Ralph St. Peter explained.

St. Peter’s hands and face are still swollen. From head to toe, he’s covered in bee stings.

“Fireants.  It would be the same as fireants,” St. Peter said, also comparing his attack to someone sticking a needle in him repeatedly all over his body.

St. Peter, a veteran tree trimmer of 30 years, says he knew there were honey bees in the tree, but not the Africanized type, let alone the estimated 50,000 that swarmed him.

“Fear, nothing but fear,” he said when asked what he was thinking during the attack, “because I knew what they were.  They were definitely killer bees.  Regular bees don’t do that.”

St. Peter says he should have called an exterminator to remove the bees before starting the work.

He credits his co-workers, who helped him get down from the tree, with saving his life.

“I would have died.  They weren’t stopping,” St. Peter said.

On his first day back at work on Monday, he says he’s going right for the same tree.

“The bees are obviously gone, so I’ll finish the job tomorrow,” he said.

Umm, so this guy definitely has a serious screw loose right? Fear nothing but fear? Seriously, that’s what you thought about dude. How about I’m getting stung in my dick by 50,000 bees and I’m probably going to die like an asshole because I didn’t call the Orkin man.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with people. Bunch of cowboys out there trying to prove theyre macho. New Flash bro, African bees can kill your ass in like 2 seconds, not so macho when you’re getting eye fucked by killer bees now are you.

If this was me, I would never have been that dumb. Fuck that. I would have seen that nest and given it a good old roundhouse kick ala James Dalton, taken those bees out before they could lay any of their little bee fingers on me. Then I would have been the hero of the town and probably never had to work another day in my life. See that’s the difference between me and St. Peter.  Ralph tries to act tough and cut through a killer bee hive, I act smart and punch the queen bee directly in her bee tit. Let her know who is boss around town.

Alexander, come collect your prize, idiot.

NILES, Mich., June 15 (UPI) — A Michigan woman who shot herself in a bid to obtain treatment for a shoulder sprain said doctors still did not treat that earlier injury.

Kathy Myers, 41, of Niles said she shot herself in the shoulder Thursday because she was unable to obtain treatment for a painful shoulder sprain without insurance, but doctors repairing the gunshot neglected to treat the sprain, The Detroit News reported Tuesday.

“I regret it because I accomplished nothing,” Myers said.

Police said the Berrien County Prosecutor’s Office is mulling whether to charge Myers with misdemeanor reckless discharge of a firearm, which carries a sentence of up to a year in jail.

Is Michigan like a third world country? This is an honest question. The state is just all sorts of fucked up. First you can’t get a doctor to check out your bum shoulder and then you got people shooting themselves just to get some medical attention. What the fuck is going on? Guess people like Kathy Myers have to rely on their smarts and ingenuity to survive. What’s the old saying, dont work hard work smart. Well Kathy here is working smart, if something’s fucked up, shoot it, people don’t ignore bullet wounds.

Yeah I know it failed in this case but who’s to say it won’t be successful next time. Like my car’s engine light has been on for literally a year and a half, wonder if I unload a round in to the hood the mechanic will fix her up. Or maybe if I shoot my x-box a few times those lazy assholes from Microsoft will finally come to my house and fix the piece of shit. I think Kathy Myers might be on to something here.

PS

Kathy honey, don’t say you accomplished nothing. Your story made it onto the best website known to man, that has to count for something.

PPS

Nevermind, there is no way anyone in Michigan owns a computer let alone has the internet.

What’s with this guy’s socks? I don’t know about everyone else but I lift insanely heavy weights so that the ladies find me sexy. Kind of defeats the purpose of picking up chicks when you’re wearing those stupid red soccer socks and tight spandex shorts, just looks ridiculous. Oh and dropping 5 thousand pounds on your chest probably doesnt help either. Clown.