….

Do you know what sucks about 21st Century America. Everyone has become a gigantic pussy when it comes to naming their children. Literally every other day I hear or see some poor kid that has a ridiculous name. Its like the whole country forgot what it means to have a strong name. A name that strikes fear into the hearts of the general public. I’m talking about a name like MASON STORM.

Now if you don’t know who Mason Storm is then I feel sorry for you, because Mason Storm is one of the baddest motherfuckers around. I mean how many people do you know witness a corrupt politician commit a crime then go into a coma with knowledge of the intricate details of the crime only to wake 7 years later and exact revenge on all parties. For  SEVEN years Mason Storm held a tiny little secret in his vegetable brain only to unleash fury on all those responsible once he awoke. Fucking badass.

So yeah you may have felt like a tough guy this weekend, watching football, drinking beers etc etc, but you didn’t go into a 7 year coma and then wake up and kill a bunch of bad guys, so all in all your life really sort of sucks.

PS
“I’m going to take you to the bank. The blood bank!”

Best movie line ever?

I know I missed Macho Man Monday this week because I was at the Rose Bowl, so to make up for it we’ll just go with Kyle instead.

…..

What would you do if you were on vacation with your babe of a wife, stopped at a gas station when suddenly a criminal mastermind (who also happens to be T-1000) knocked you out with a fire extinguisher, stole your wife, and blew up the gas station while you were still in it? Would you call the cops? Would you seek medical attention for your concussed skull and severe burns? Would you act like a baby and cry? Or would you finish your slim jim, calmly assess the situation and then go on a man hunt to track down and kill every last member of the criminal mastermind’s entourage?

Well one man chose the last option, his name, John Triton.

See that’s the funny thing about life, some people can’t handle adversity. The first sign of a problem and they panic, they stick their head into the sand and hope the world forgets they exist. But some people, the select few, track down their wife’s kidnappers through swamps and lakes, fighting off corrupt cops and cronies with all sorts of kick ass finishing moves, and ultimately break the head kidnapper’s neck with a chain (sorry if I just ruined the ending there, kind of assumed everyone saw this movie). Then, once they’ve killed dozens of people, they share an extremely passionate french kiss with their formerly kidnapped babe of a wife.

So its Monday, its the winter, your life sucks. But ask yourself this, are you a trained killer? Oh you’re not? Ok, well then your life probably really does suck and John triton is about thousand times more macho than you. Oh well, can’t win them all.

PS

If you know me, you know John Cena is one of my all time favorites. I own his rap album, I have 2 of his shirts, and I have had the idea for a while now that he should write a book that I will ghost write for him. It really makes too much sense not to happen.

Quite a special Macho Man Monday here at The Hot Glove. With last Tuesday’s elections the “days till out of office” clock officially began on THG’s all time favorite politician. So we have no choice but to honor, remember, and pay our respect. So without further ado I give you the best 160 best Arnold quotes from all his movies. It really doesnt get any better than Arnold…

PS

I’ve seriously watched this like 10 times. Just gem after gem after gem. For my money Get To the chopper from Predator is still the all time best. You just can’t beat that one.

PPS

I would say while you’re living your pussy day to day life think of how awesome Arnold is but do I really have to? If you watched that video above you already feel wildly inadequate. Just a complete knockout punch to the old self esteem.

Thanks to rusty for the pic

Well after my little hissy fit about having to work on Columbus day I guess its only fitting that Christopher Columbus be our Macho Man of the week.

Little known fact, CC was actually a huge dick. That whole small pox thing that he gave to all the Indians, not such a hot move. And all those murders and taking of land, again kind of a dick thing to do. But with that said, Columbus was a pretty big badass. To wake up one morning and be like lets just hop on a dingy and see where we end up is about as macho as it gets. Not to mention if you fuck up, the King of Spain will have eat your nuts for dinner.

So yeah Christopher Columbus was a huge dick but he also was a pretty macho guy. When you’re sitting in your house today taking work off, just remember the asshole that committed mass genocide and thank him for being so macho.

Bonus Fact - Christopher Columbus may have been a ginger. Throw some negative points in his overall machoness for that one.

Because football is back it is only appropriate to have a football related Macho Man Monday. So today, we remember a Big Ten legend, former Ohio State quarterback, Johnny Utah.

Utah, an exceptional athlete, had his football career cut short with a devastating knee injury in the Rose Bowl. But what the world lost in a quarterback the world gained in one of the finest FBI agents of all time.

Going deep undercover and infiltrating a gang of surfers by day and bank robbers by night, Utah was able to crack one of the most ruthless bank robbing teams of all time. Although he wasn’t able to succesfully bring the robbers to justice, many died some escaped, his instincts and intellect led him to the mastermind of said robberies at Bells Beach in Australia. There, meeting his nemesis for one final time, Utah doing the most macho thing of all time, allowed his foe to walk away free so that he could go after a once in a lifetime wave produced by a 50 year storm. It is then that Utah realized that maybe life isn’t all about being awesome and shooting guns, and maybe its just about being naturally Macho and cool.

So when you’re sitting in your office, no doubt hungover from a weekend of football, just remember that someday you will hopefully find your 50 year storm.

Bonus Fact - The four president masks were Reagan, Nixon, Carter, and LBJ

This is a special week. A week that will probably go down in history as the week that changed the world. A week that I have been looking forward to all my life, no joke.

I’m talking about the week that the Expendables will make its worldwide premiere.

Now if you have been living under a rock and have no idea what I’m talking about lets take a look at the Machoiest lineup a movie could ever possibly have.

Sylvester Stallone
Jason Statham
Jet Li
Dolph Lundgren
Mickey Rourke
Randy Couture
Terry Crews
Eric Roberts
Steve Austin
David Zayas
Gary Daniels
Bruce Willis
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Holy shit! Pure unadulterated badass.

Just look at that list. You have Rocky and Drago. Alexander Grady from Best of the Best and the rattlesnake Stone Cold Steve Austin. The Terminator and Terry Crews who once starred in a film simply called BAAADDDAASSSS. Lt. John Mclane and the guy from all those transporter movies that seemed badass but I didn’t see any of them.

So today, instead of 1 macho man I am doing my duty as an American and getting everyone properly pumped up for this movie to release on Friday. I may see it 100 times this upcoming weekend. Sleep in the theaters and watch Macho Men do Macho things until my face falls off.

August 13, there’s only one place I’ll be.

Quick Question do you know anyone who has been a farmer, a businessman, a cop and a marine? Because I sure as fuck do, Dale Peterson. This guy is straight oozing with macho. I thought he was macho from the first second I laid eyes on him but then he intimidated the fuck out of me with that shotgun at 50 seconds. Thing came out of nowhere. Basically just sticking up voters before they even get to the voting booth, and you know what, I’m ok with that, because if Dale Peterson thinks I should be better than that then who am I to argue.

PS

Did he really bring up facebook bragging in a political campaign ad? Am I alive? Is this a dream? I swear to god Will Ferrell produced this commercial, you just can’t tell me differently.

So I was sitting on the couch yesterday watching the mayweather mosley 24/7 and they were showing highlights from the Mayweather vs Marquez fight and I noticed one of the machoiest men on the place of the earth was in Mayweather’s entourage. A man who is the definition of badass. Of course I’m talking about Hunter Hearst Hemsley or as many know him, Triple H.

Whether it be as a member of the unstoppable Degeneration X (the video above still gives me the chills) or when he dominated wrestling for the past decade as a solo act and usual villian, dude just flat out knew how to kick ass. He has won 8 WWF championship belts (11 time world champion), 2 tag team championships, and a royal rumble title. Talk about being well rounded, if there is a belt Triple H will win that shit. Not to mention the fact that he banged (then married) the boss’s wife. That is macho to the extreme.

So if youre sitting at your office feeling like a pussy today just think of Triple H, kick your boss in the balls and finish him off with a pedigree, because the pedigree is the truth.

Bonus Fact - In 2001 Triple H tore a muscle in his left quadricep during the defense of his tag team championship. Not only did he gut it out and keep wrestling but Chris Jericho put him in the Walls Of Jericho to finish the match off. And you thought wrestling wasn’t real, please.

You’re the Disease and I’m the cure.

Only the machoiest (pretty sure thats not a word) man would come up with a line like that. That man’s name, Marion Cobretti, but we all know him as Cobra.

Cobra was quite possibly the greatest Cop in the world. Not to mention he was in a unit called the Zombie squad, talk about badass.

In a time where disorder and anarchy gripped the city of Los Angeles at the hands of the “New Order” Supremacist group Cobra was the only man to clean it up. He had a quick draw and an even quicker tounge. Just look at these gems…

Marion Cobretti: You know that’s bad for your health?
Punk smoking cigarette: What?
[looking threatening]
Marion Cobretti: [grabs cigarette away from punk's mouth] Me.

Night Slasher: The court is civilized, isn’t it pig?
Cobretti: But I’m not. This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!

So when youre going through your monday punching numbers like a monkey, just think about Cobra and know that as long as he is out there youre safe in this world.

Bonus Fact - The screenplay for Cobra was originally the screenplay for Beverly Hills Cop but not being badass enough Sly left the project and gave it to Eddie Murphy.