Jean Claude Van Damme has made it somewhat official that he will return to the ring for a real kickboxing match in 2011. In this video, the soon-to-be 50-year-old is seen signing the contract to face former Olympian Somluck Kamsing.

JCVD said he wants to be the first action star to prove he can really fight. The celebration got a little sappy when Van Damme started apologizing for falling off the good-guy wagon.

“I did my rock n’ roll type life, I fell down rock bottom,” Van Damme said. “And I’ve got that spot following me about Van Damme is drinking. Van Damme is doing cocaine. Van Damme is doing all that [expletive]. So I’m [branded] for life.”

Well this might be the best news I’ve heard in forever. Jean Claude Van Damme is back and he is ready to rock. Not often do you get an on screen macho man doing real life macho man stuff. He’s done the cocaine, the partying, the drinking, and now he’s ready to kick some ass, wow.

All I’m going to say is that I’ve seen Bloodsport about a hundred times, I know what JCVD can do. The kickboxing world better watch its back because Jean Claude Van Damme is going to fuck shit up, and thats not a threat, thats just a fact.

PS

How bad is JCVD going to get his ass kicked? Guy looks like he is a thousand years old.

Ground Breaking Macho Man Monday today because this Macho Man doesn’t even exist yet. Think about that, you don’t even know the full levels of macho that The Rock attains in his new movie “Faster”, which doesn’t come out for another week and a half.

But lets take a stab at what I’m guessing will be the runaway choice for movie of the year.

Cars - Check

Explosions - Check

Leather Jackets - Check

Bank Robberies - Check

Some Kind of revenge plot involving faded kodak pictures and Billy Bob Thornton - Check

A+ Acting - Do I even need to check this one off?

Look at that list. That is a cookbook recipe for macho right there. Throw all those elements in a 90 minute movie and prepare to be impressed. Not to mention I’m pretty sure this movie is just Rock’s last awesome movie, “Walking Tall”, but instead of a stick he has a really fast car. Hey if its not broke don’t fix it right.

So I would tell you to think about how macho The Rock is in his new movie while you’re piddling away at your office cubicle but I can’t, because his character doesn’t even exist yet. So instead just think about the most macho thing in the world and then multiply that by infinity. That should do the trick.

You know who I miss, Dog the Bounty Hunter. Now, I know what you’re thinking right now, what are you talking about Big Cat, Dog is still on television. Well yeah, he technically is, but not the Dog I knew. The non-racist Dog before he and his 25 children collectively jumped the shark.

I’m talking about the 2004-2007. The one that had no fear. That would go to Mexico to arrest a rapist, or head into the Haiwaiin hood with a can of paint and a water pistol. Fearing no one, but feared by all.

He was the epitome of badass, because for all his rough talk he was still a big softy inside. Just a crazy, long haired, not very intelligent, badass, that loved getting into the scrum.

So when you’re like me today, thinking you want to kill yourself after a Halloween weekend of partying just think of what pre michael richard Dog the Bounty Hunter would do and do that. Take wild risks with a taser gun and do little to no research on the subject you are apprehending and the risks they may or may not pose to you and your loved ones. Don’t worry, it will all work out in the end, it always does.

Bonus Fact - Did you know Dog’s 5th wife Beth was previously married to Dog’s best friend from high school. Come on Dog, you’re better than that dude.

British angler Jeremy Wade looks understandably anxious as he grapples with this ferocious-looking ‘giant piranha’.

The 52-year-old caught the aptly-named goliath tigerfish during a fishing expedition up the Congo River in Africa.

The brave fisherman was forced to hold the fish at arms-length for fear of being bitten by its razor-sharp teeth while posing with it for the camera.

The goliath tigerfish is one of the most fearsome freshwater fish in the world and said to be a much bigger and deadlier version of the piranha.

The giant fish has 32 teeth that are of similar size to those of a great white shark and has been known to attack humans and even crocodiles.

It’s not often that I cover an average joe for Macho Man Monday but today I do so out of complete necessity. I mean you don’t get more badass than Jeremy Wade. Here I am thinking it was awesome that I caught a couple of bluefish this summer and this guy is catching crocodile eating Piranhas. Oh you heard about that giant piranha that eats people for fun? Yeah, let’s go catch that motherfucker and take some pictures of it.

Not to mention Jeremy Wade caught this thing in a brown river, which if you’ve been reading The Hot Glove you know is the Big Cat’s Number 1 fear in life. It goes

1. Brown Rivers

2.Witches

3.Terrorists

4. That Snicker’s commercial.

So to say Jeremy Wade deserves Macho Man of the week is a gross understatement. You think you’re badass because you snuck out 30 minutes early on Friday? Try catching a fish that will literally eat you face…..off

Thanks to jay for the tip

Today is a historical Macho Man Monday here at The Hot Glove. For the first time ever it is actually macho nanomorph mimetic poly alloy monday.

Still don’t know what I’m talking about? Well Then, lets see if this jogs your memory…

Badass.

T-1000 was easily one of the most macho characters of all time. Made of liquid metal, T-1000 was able to change shapes, move through objects, and recover rapidly from any damage inflicted upon it.

He also scared the shit out of a young Big Cat and frankly still does to this day. Every time I see a cop of any kind I think of T-1000. His ability to perfectly mimic any person’s physical attributes and voice makes it impossible to know whether you yourself has come across T-1000. My boss could be T-1000, the homeless guy down the street could be T-1000, I’m almost positive that Stone Cold Steve Austin  IS T-1000.

So when you’re going through your regular Monday today just remember everyone you see is most likely a shapeshifting liquid metal cyborg sent by Skynet to stop the resistance. So be careful.

Bonus Fact - Billy Idol was supposed to be the original T-1000 but a serious motorcylce accident stopped him from being in the film. I’m pretty sure the world would have collapsed upon itself if that had actually happened. Just too much macho for one movie.

Edeilson Nascimento, a 29 year-old tire repairman from Brazil, is recovering after surgery to remove the four-inch knife blade that had been stuck in his head following a bar fight three years ago. Surgeons were concerned that the surgery could cause brain damage, but the man seems to be recovering well after the three-hour surgery. In fact, on Friday, Nascimento told reporters that he is “feeling great.”

Even though the surgery came with risks, Nascimento was eager to get it after suffering from headaches for the past three years. After the fight, the handle of the knife was removed, but the four-inch blade was left inside his head. According to MSNBC, following the 2007 bar fight, Nascimento was attacked by assailants when he returned home. Doctors feared that pulling the blade out would cause brain damage.

Now Nascimento is expected to be released from a hospital in the city of Recife next week.

Well I’m sorry to do this to everyone because when you read a story like Edeilson Nascimento’s you can’t help put look at yourself in the mirror and see the pussiest human being alive. Seriously, compared to Edeilson Nascimento were all a bunch of babies. Like here I am complaining about my headache because I haven’t had my cup of coffee yet and Edeilson is over in Brazil just humming a long with a fucking knife in his head. Thats a true badass right there.  Guy gets into a knife fight at a bar, gets shanked in the head, and then pops a couple of aleve and goes about his business. Maybe a headache here and there but nothing to stop him from going to work and living his life for 3 fucking years.

So everyone out there needs to remember that as bad as work may be or as hungover as you are on a Monday morning at least you don’t have a fucking knife stuck in your dome piece, so all things considered, you’re doing alright.

PS

Only thing we can deduct points for is Edeilson not being more aware to block the knife before it got to his head. Come on dude, everyone knows the first rule of bar fighting. Blade, right boot.

With football season back in full swing I think its time to remember one of the flashiest Quarterbacks the game has ever seen. Talkin Willie, Willie Beamon.

Willie Beamon was a former 7th round draft pick who was basically tossed aside and forgotten as the Sharks third string quarterback. Thankfully for Willie, the music industry, and the rest of the world a couple of freak injuries to the Shark’s starting and backup qb thrust Willie into the starting role. It was in that role that his athletic ability, inability to remember plays, and constant throwing up in the huddle made him the most enjoyable quarterback to watch in the fictional AFFA.

So Willie wasn’t the best pure quarterback, and yeah he improvised 99% of the plays in the huddle making his teammates and coaches hate him but who gives a fuck. Playing by your own rules is the definition of a macho man, and no one did it better than Willie.

He also gave us the greatest opening few lines to a song in the history of music.

“My name is Willie, Willie Beamon. I keep the ladies, creamin. And all my fans, screamin. You gon defeat me? You dreamin”.

Bill Shakespeare just blushed in his grave.

So  when you’re sitting in your miserable job today remember that you’re just a couple of injuries away from being promoted to middle management and walking around your office with your shirt off and pants unbuttoned. Sweet.

You know whats probably the most badass activity out there. Rock Climbing with guns. You know who was the best at it, Gabe Walker.

Gabe Walker had it all. He had the strength, the skills, and the dead girlfriend whose death haunted his every action out there on the mountain. Fighting an evil mastermind, Eric Qualen, Gabe traversed some of the narrowest peaks all the while trying to stop Qualen from successfully recovering millions of stolen US dollars.

In the climactic scene, Qualen and Gabe fight on top of a helicopter that is dangling by steel cable off a 7,000 foot mountain, which when you think about it, is just about as badass as you can get when it comes to fighting venues. Once Gabe successfully kills Qualen he delivers one of the finest lines of all time.

“”If you’re looking for Qualen, look about 4000 feet south of here. He’ll be the one wearing a helicopter.”

Bill Shakespeare himself couldn’t have penned better prose.

So when you’re thinking about how awesome you are today, maybe your fantasy team won its big matchup, just remember you actually kind of suck because you don’t climb mountains and fight John Lithgow for millions of dollars. Sorry, but those are just the facts.

PS

John Lithgow as the antagonist? Really? Was Kelsey Grammar busy or something?

Today’s Macho Man is not really a man. In fact the only manly part of today’s macho man is his brain, because that is all he really is, a brain.

I’m talking about one of the baddest bad guys ever created, Krang.

Although Krang has no macho abilities on his own because of an unfortunate accident that left him without a body (we’re suspending reality for a second), the robot suit, aka exosuit, that Shredder built for him was beyond badass.  The arms of the suit could turn into various weapons as well as a set of wings so that Krang could go from walking to flying in a matter of seconds, whoa!

Add to the fact that Krang was fucking mad smart, and you got yourself one macho man/suit. It just sucks that those turtles were always getting in his way of world domination.

So when you’re walking out of your office today at 5 pm, another miserable Monday in the books, just remember that you may feel macho but you’ll never be as macho as an oversized pink brain controlling a gigantic robot.

Oh and Krang is sarcastic as fuck too.

PS

Just once I wanted to see the technodrome get powered up for an extended period of time. Is that to much to ask?

PPS

I have no idea why but I’ve been thinking about Krang non stop for the past week. My brain fucking sucks like that. I can never find my keys and I forget to do important shit on a daily basis but at least I got my mind on the important things like a fictional cartoon brain from 20 years ago. Awesome.

Today we celebrate a macho man of diminutive size and strength. Measuring at a laughably short 4′ 8” and 107 lbs, this macho man lacks the usual macho characteristics. At first glance you would think he is better suited as a librarian or a starbucks barista. But that is why looks can be deceiving.

Even at his extremely small size this macho man is one of the greatest boxers of all time. You oftern hear of Ali, Sugar Ray, and Joe Louis. Marvelous Marvin Hagler and George Foreman. But rarely will people bring up one of the toughest boxers of all time, lil mac.

Lil Mac, hailing from Bronx New York, always had a limited bag of tricks when it came to actual boxing talent. He really could only jab and throw body blows, not exactly a combo machine. Yet if you let Lil mac stick around for too long his greatest weapon, the uppercut or “star punch” taught to him by his trainer Doc Louis, would be sure to knock you out in a split second.

That was the thing about Lil Mac. Whether he was fighting that pussy frenchman Glass Joe or that Commie bastard Soda Popinski, lil mac would never give up and always keep chugging along. Even against world champion Mike Tyson, Lil Mac was able to prevail with a little training from Doc Louis and some jamming of the a and b buttons.

So when you’re passed over for that big promotion just remember it doesnt matter how small you are, because if Lil Mac can be world champion you can surely be underpaid as middle management and hate your life.

Bonus Fact - Soda Popinski was originally named Vodka Popinski but was changed because it was deemed “offensive”.

How about that gross speedo he wore? Thats fucking offensive.