(Newser) – A train full of birthday presents en route to North Korea’s heir derailed this month—but was it a simple accident, or sabotage? A South Korean radio station that often cites Northern sources reports that a train departing from Sinuiju and headed for Pyongyang derailed on Dec. 11, creating an “emergency situation.” The station’s source noted that track wear could have been the problem, reports Reuters, but said that “the extent of damage to the tracks and the timing of the incident points to a chance that someone intentionally damaged the tracks.”

“It’s highly likely that it was someone who is opposed to succession to Kim Jong Un, ” added the source.

OH NO! What a tragedy. Not Kim Jong Un’s train full of presents. How could this happen? Don’t people realize that if you derail Kim Jong Un’s presents theyre going to spoil. Because when all the other kids get a Wii and X-Box Kim jung un gets ho-hos and candy bars.

Its just tragic knowing his 3 chins will soon be 2. Someone break open the emergency french fry case, fatboy is starving.

PS

Are people still scared of North Korea? Because they shouldn’t be. All you have to do is hide the candy bars and the whole country flips the fuck out.

(NewsCore) - Sonic booms created by Israeli air force planes breaking the sound barrier have stimulated the sex drive of a group of crocodiles on a local farm, Israeli newspaper Maariv reported Sunday.

The males have already begun their mating calls, described by the newspaper as “the sound a vehicle breaking,” normally reserved for the crocodiles’ spring mating season.

David Golan of the Hamat Gadar crocodile farm in the Golan Heights, believes the reptiles were responding to the sonic booms, wrongly believing they were the calls of rival males encroaching on their territory.

The farm is home to around 100 crocodiles and stands beneath airspace used to train Israeli air force pilots.

Fucking crocodiles man, guys can’t even listen to a jet fly by without cumming all over the place. Clean it up crocs. No chick  likes a two pump chump, especially one that is jazzing all over the lagoon because Goose and Maverick are taking the old F16 for a spin around the block. Shit is embarrassing.

PS

How about the crocodile farmer checking out rock hard croc dicks 24/7. Its called privacy dude. Learn it.

PS

How do you know its a slow news day? 4 words.

Jet induced Crocodile boners.

Manatee, Florida (The Weekly Vice) - Jessi Lynn Clark, a 29-year-old Florida woman was jailed Wednesday after she allegedly claimed that drugs found in her crotch weren’t hers.

According to Bradenton Police, Clark was a passenger in a car that was pulled over because she wasn’t wearing a seat belt.

The driver consented to a search of his vehicle, however while officers were talking to him, Clark allegedly removed a paper towel from her crotch.

Inside the towel, police found three Oxycodone tablets and three Xanax pills.

Investigators say Clark denied that the drugs were hers, claiming that the driver had instructed her to put them down her pants.

Clark was booked into the Manatee County Jail on two counts of possession of a controlled substance. Her bond was set at $2,000.

I think this is one of those “you wouldn’t understand if it hasn’t happened to you” type of deals. Yeah it may sound ridiculous and outlandish that Jessi Lynn Clark would try to say the oxycodone found IN her crotch wasn’t hers but then again if you’ve never had drugs unknowningly put into your pussy then you can’t really judge right? Walk a mile in Jessi Lynn’s shoes, have someone put their pills in your panties when you’re not looking, then come talk to me.

PS

Look at that smile. She’s saying “Little old me? I would never put pills in my vagina”. I bet the cops let her go immediately after snapping that polaroid. I know I believe her.

(NEWSER) – An ATM at a posh Florida mall cuts out the paper and goes straight for gold. Slide in credit card or cash and get out a pile of gold bars and coins in a tidy black box, the APreports. The German machine is primarily a novelty item, says its inventor, but could also be handy for investors who don’t want to deal with ordering gold over the internet or at pawn shops. There’s also one at the Emirates Palace hotel in Abu Dhabi.

I need this ATM so bad it fucking hurts. So what if I wouldnt be able to withdraw money without overdrafting out of my asshole. That’s not the point. The point is, when you’re an award winning writer and world renowned art collector anything less than a gold dispensing ATM just won’t do.

PS

Thank god they didn’t try to steal my idea of a caviar vending machine.

PPS

Smart planning putting this bad boy in Florida. How quickly before a meth head tries to rob this thing? Or has that already happened?

Thanks to DP for the tip

(Source) A Broward County woman has been arrested and charged after she allegedly set a man’s pants on fire.

Broward Sheriff’s Deputies arrested Berlinda Dixon-Newbold, 38, and charged her with aggravated assault.

According to BSO, Berlinda’s boyfriend, Sheldon Gonzales, was asleep on the couch when he was “awakened by a burning sensation in the crotch of his pants.”

BSO said Sheldon said he then saw Dixon-Newbold standing over him, while holding a lighter over his crotch area with one hand, and holding up the bottom of his shirt with another hand.

She then, he said, proceeded to light his crotch area on fire.

BSO said Sheldon put the fire out with his hands and tried to leave, but was again confronted by Dixon-Newbold at the door.

A neighbor called police after hearing the two arguing, according to police.

The extent of the man’s injury is unclear.

Hold on, did Sheldon Gonzalez have his shoes on? Because if he did you legally can not prosecute Berlinda Dixon-Newbold. Judge will throw this case out of court so fast Sheldon’s burning dick will off. Everyone knows the law. Fuck, its the first thing they teach you in law school. Pass out with your shoes on, anything is fair game.

So I don’t care if Berlinda Dixon was holding a zippo to her boyfriends dick or if she was clambagging his face, if Sheldon Gonzalez wants to sleep in piece Sheldon Gonzalez can take his fucking shoes off, end of story.

PS

Has anyone ever officially decided on the term for female tea bag? Ive heard clambag, clamhat, taco bar. I guess its like beirut/beer pong, one of those regional things.

Pittsburgh, PA (The Weekly Vice) - Leonard Spagnolo, a 33-year-old Pennsylvania man was jailed Tuesday after he nearly burned down his house while trying to burn pictures of an ex-girlfriend.

According to Pittsburgh Police, Spagnolo set his bedroom on fire after building a campfire on the carpeted floor for the purpose of burning old photographs and other keepsakes from a previous girlfriend.

Investigators say Spagnolo came up with the idea after quarreling with his current girlfriend.

Spagnolo told police that he started the fire to show his girlfriend how much he cared for her after he had allegedly shoved his girlfriend against a wall. His girlfriend was asleep in the room when the fire began.

The fire was contained in the bedroom and both Spagnolo and his girlfriend made it out of the home without injury.

Spagnolo was booked into the Allegheny County Jail on two counts of arson, simple assault, reckless endangerment and causing or risking catastrophe.

Jesus christ Leonard, take it easy there bro. No need to go all crazy. Next time you and your girlfriend get in a fight, take a few deep breaths and move on because taking out your burn book, throwing on some coldplay and lighting pictures of your ex on fire is not a good look. What is this Clueless? Are you a 17 year old high school girl? Grow up leonard, grow up.

PS

How horny do you think Leonard’s girlfriend got when she saw that fire? If it wasn’t for the dangers of smoke inhalation and 3rd degree burns I bet she would have jumped Lenny’s bones on the spot. I mean if you’re boyfriend is willing to set a fire in the bedroom and risk both of your lives you know he fucking loves you.

LAS CRUCES - A 44-year-old woman who allegedly ripped her daughter-in-law’s nipple off during a drunken argument could be facing criminal charges, the 3rd Judicial District Attorney’s Office confirmed Wednesday.Las Cruces police officers responded to Memorial Medical Center on Sunday morning, when doctors were already in the process of reattaching the nipple to the 30-year-old victim’s breast.

It’s believed to be the first time a local victim has suffered a body part being torn from them, said Chief Deputy District Attorney Amy Orlando. The victim told officers she, her husband, his mother and one of her husband’s friends had spent Saturday night drinking at an apartment in the 1000 block of Idaho Avenue, according to the police report. Sometime after 3 a.m., the victim’s husband had started arguing with his mother, and because it was becoming “very intense,” the victim went to stand in between the two to separate them.

When the victim began arguing with her 44-year-old mother-in-law, the older woman allegedly “grabbed (the victim’s) right breast and began to squeeze and pull on her nipple.” The victim yelled to stop, but her mother-in-law allegedly continued to pull until the younger woman began punching her in the face, according to the police report.

The victim then told police she threw her mother-in-law into the yard, but the older woman allegedly kicked in the back door and had to be physically removed again.

When she untucked her tank top, her nipple fell on the floor, she told police.

The victim put the nipple in a bag and, after several hours, decided she should go to the emergency room.

You know those mornings when you wake up after a night of drinking and are sore as fuck. You wonder, did I get punched? Did I get hit by a car? What happened to my leg? etc etc. Well, never again can anyone ever complain about a hangover that causes bodily pain. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much you drank, and how bad your head hurts, you didn’t get your nipple torn clean off your tit, and for that you should be eternally grateful.

PS

This is why its always a bad idea to drink with family. Its all fun and games until someone brings up the time Dad took you to the circus instead of your sister and next thing you know nipples are falling off left and right. Ive seen it happen a million times.

PPS

In the history of crunch time decisions I dont think there is any worse than putting your nipple in a bag and taking a “wait and see” approach to your nipple less tit.

Picayune, Mississippi (The Weekly Vice) - Robert T. Hurst, a 47-year-old Picayune man was jailed after he allegedly stripped off all his clothes and ran around a cemetery nude because he wanted to photograph “orbs”.

According to the Pearl River County Sheriff’s Office, a motion-activated camera in place to catch vandals recorded a nude man wandering around a local church cemetery.

Investigators say Hurst, who was identified via an anonymous tip, stated that he believed his skin was the best canvas to show a spirit’s “orb of energy.” He explained that photographing orbs had been his hobby over the past year, and he had initially planned on taking off his shirt only, before deciding to go completely nude.

He told police that he was not planning to go into any more cemetery’s, even fully clothed, and that he had enough of the hobby and it was time to put it to rest.

Hurst was booked into jail and charged with indecent exposure. He was released after posting $500 bond.

Wait, how else were the cops expecting Robert Hurst to find his orbs? Everyone knows the only way you can get awesome orbs is to get naked and run around a cemetery, and if anyone tells you different they’d be lying through their teeth.

You want to find some orbs fully clothed? Or in the middle of a field? Be my guest. Orb away. But you can bet your ass that those orbs will be nothing like a naked cemetery orb. Because at the end of the day there ain’t no party like a naked cemetery party because a naked cemetery party don’t stop.

PS

Someone want to check Robert Hurst’s basement for us. I’m thinking there might be a few other things in there besides orb pictures. Just a hunch.

Clearwater, FL, United States (CNS) - Hulk Hogan’s wedding was like a recreation of his wrestling career. The 57-year-old wrestler married girlfriend Jennifer McDaniel in a ceremony that required cops for intervention Tuesday evening.

Hulk – real name Terry Bollea – was about to exchange I Do’s with Jennifer when a scuffle broke out. TMZ sources claim that a photographer was trying to take pictures of the pro wrestler and his bride-to-be during the ceremony in their backyard, which happens to be on the beach.

But when a family employee told the paparazzo to leave, a brawl broke out. This was when Hulk and Jennifer were saying their vows.

The cops were called, but since no one wanted to press charges, no one got arrested and the couple were able to say their I Do’s.

This is the second marriage for Hulk. He was first married to Linda from 1983 to 2007

First of all, Hulk must not have known I moved this past summer. Thats really the only explanation for not getting a wedding invitation, which is cool, mistakes happen. Second, is anyone actually surprised a fight broke out at the Hulk’s wedding? Its the fucking Hulk. Of course there was a fight. I bet there was a cake and some pigs in a blanket too. Seriously, I would be thoroughly disappointed if something didn’t go down at Hulk’s wedding. Guy is a showman through and through.

PS

Who has a wedding on a Tuesday night? Oh that’s right Hulk Hogan does.I bet Tuesday is the new Saturday within the next 6 months. That’s how trendsetters work, they decide when the weekend starts.

PPS

Does anyone else think his new wife looks WAY too much like his daughter? That’s gotta be awkward when people point that out.

PANAMA CITY, Fla. – A 56-year-old ex-convict calmly held a school board at gunpoint and said he was seeking redress for his wife’s firing before shooting at the superintendent at short range and then killing himself.
No bullets struck the superintendent, Bill Husfelt, who credited God for his escape late Tuesday. The gunman, Clay A. Duke, apparantly created a Facebook page last week that refers to class warfare and is laced with images from the movie “V for Vendetta,” in which a mysterious figure battles a totalitarian government.

Before the shooting started, the only woman on the five-member board — who had left the room as ordered — came back, sneaked up behind Duke and whacked his gun arm with her large, brown purse.
“In my mind, that was the last attempt or opportunity to divert him,” Ginger Littleton said.

Fucking Ginger Littleton man, what a hero. I love that lady. Just disarming gunmen in super slow mo with her purse. I mean talk about balls. Lady had zero shot to be successful there, zero. But did that stop her? Fuck no. When the shit hits the fan and an ex-con takes the school board hostage its go time for Ginger Littleton. Balls to the Wall all day everyday.

PS

Is there a better name than Ginger Littleton? Just an average middle class mom, running bake sales and taking down crazies.

PPS

I love the school board’s reaction. It was like they were talking to a dog pissing on the rug, not a woman trying to disarm a gunman. Like come on Ginger, I thought we’ve been over this, stop trying to hit guns out of people’s hands with your purse. It NEVER works.

Triple PS

Not to get all political but I’m pretty sure this is the exact reason why handguns should be illegal.