Would You Rather Have An Actual Monkey On Your Back Or Have To Walk The Dog (Yo-Yo) Everywhere You Go?

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Back in elementary school I was a PHENOMENAL Yo-Yoer. I’m talking walk the dog, cat’s cradle, skin the cat, the elevator. If there was a name for it, I did it. Just fire flames coming out of my blue duncan. And you know what? I was cool as fuck back in Elementary school. Million friends, flirting with chicks, cracking jokes, thousands of play dates, the whole 9. Now do you think that was a coincidence? Hell no. Chicks love a guy who can work a Yo-Yo. That’s just a fact. So as much as having a monkey with you wherever you go would be awesome I think the Yo-Yo is the only way to roll here. Taking the world by storm one atom smasher at a time.

Pick - Yo Yo

Would You Rather Constantly Drool Or Constantly Fart While You Walk?

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I don’t know why but I feel like constantly farting while you walk would eventually be hilarious. Like at first it would be annoying and gross but over time everyone would know you as the walking fart guy and next thing you know you have groupies and women lining up just to fuck you for the story. Who knows you may even become the object of a cult. I mean its not everyday a guy farts constantly while farting. People would start thinking you’re a prophet or just a smellier version of Jesus. Whereas constantly drooling would get old after about 3 seconds.

Pick - Farting while walking

Have a city named after your or have a professional wrestler base their entire gimmick after you?

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They say life is all about timing. Well I had this “would you rather” planned yesterday afternoon and decided to hold off on it until today. What happened in between? How about my love for wrestling being renewed in full. It was like wrestling and I were one of those weirdo couples that renews their vows just so they can get a whole new set of wedding presents. Tough luck for city naming, up until last night I was all about having some random city in Kansas named after me, act like Peter when he makes Petoria. Well not anymore. That shit is so yesterday.

Pick - Wrestler base their gimmick after you

Would You Rather Have Cinder Blocks For Feet Or Rulers For Fingers?

Heres my dilemma. I’m fast. Like really fast. So cinder block shoes would be devastating for both my lateral and straight line speed. And as weird as ruler fingers would look, who’s to say you cant throw some knives on the end of those fingers and be like a clumsier Wolverine? So I think its ruler fingers or bust here. Cinder block feet just seem wildly impractical for day to day life.

Pick - Ruler Fingers

Thanks to dp for the idea. Have a good would you rather? Send it to [email protected]

Would You Rather Be A No Name NBDL Player Or Be The Greatest Badminton Player Of All Time

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This one is easy for me. Yeah it would be great to play in the NBDL because that most likely means you were a starter at a Division 1 College but come on. To rule the Badminton circuit? Just smashing shuttlecocks down peoples throats left and right. How badass would that be? I would just say outlandish shit all the time. Like the John Rocker of badminton. How could the sporting world ignore me when I’m throwing badminton flair in their face 24/7? I would get on Sporstcenter every single night.  Not to mention I’m pretty sure telling a girl that you’re the greatest badminton player of all time is an instant panty dropper.

Pick - The Biggest Baddest Badminton Player Of All Time.

Would You Rather Never Be Able To Watch The Super Bowl Again But Live Normally Otherwise Or Watch The Super Bowl Normally But Never Get To Eat Another Chicken Wing/Finger Again In Your Life?

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Had to do a Super Bowl themed Would You Rather and I’m not going to lie this one has me completely torn. Chicken Fingers/Wings are probably the greatest food in the world. But missing the Super Bowl is a lot more than missing the actual game. Its about being one of those weirdos that doesn’t watch the biggest sporting event in the world. You know those people. You ask them what they’re doing for the game and they smugly reply with something stupid like the movies or a museum. Who fucking does that? I swear those people are either terrorists or serial killers. No other explanation.  So as much as I love Chicken fingers/wings, and I really do, I just can’t stomach everyone thinking I’m a pedophile or psycopath because I refuse to watch the Super Bowl. That would KILL my street cred, and my name is my name, my name is my name.

Pick - Begrudgingly giving up Chicken Fingers/Wings

Would You Rather Hit Every Red Light For The Rest Of Your Life Or Always Be Wrong?

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I hate red lights more than anything in the world. I’m the dickhead that goes 2 miles out of the way just to avoid an extra red light. I don’t give a fuck if it makes no sense, you know what makes no sense? red lights. I should be able to drive where I want when I want. Add in the fact that I have no idea what being wrong actually feels like and I think I have to go with Always being wrong. In fact the only time I’ve ever been wrong in my life was a thing I thought I was wrong about but ended up being right, so I was wrong about thinking I was wrong. Wasn’t all that bad.

Pick - Always being wrong.

Would You Rather Have A Foot Long Eyelash You Can Never Pluck Or An Elephant As Your Best And Only Friend?

I’ve though about this one a lot. And at first I thought it was a no brainer. Having an elephant as your best friend would be awesome. But then I thought about some of the logistics. Like you would only be able to go to a select amount of extremely large bars. And if you ever wanted to go to a sporting event you would have to buy a hundred extra tickets. Just seems like it would be more of a hassle to have an elephant always tagging along wherever you go. At least with a really long eyelash you can freak people out and hope to get in the Guiness book of world records, maybe even bang a midget or a bearded lady at one of their parties, you know, for the story.

Pick - Foot Long Eyelash

Would You Rather Go 1 Round With Mike Tyson Or Talk Like Him For The Rest Of Your Life?

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I’m not talking about fighting fat, washed up, gross Mike Tyson. I’m talking about in his prime, baby eating Mike Tyson. You literally would have a 75% chance of death. But on the flip side speaking like Mike Tyson and being laughed at for the rest of your life would be pretty bad. You wouldn’t be able to get a job, you wouldn’t be able to get a girlfriend. Your career options would basically be limited to psychopath boxer and lover of pigeons, that’s it. So I think you have to take your chances going in the ring with Mike. Hey if little mac can take Tyson why can’t you.

Pick - Fight Mike Tyson

Would You Rather Feel Like You Always Have To Sneeze Or Always Have To Fart?

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Brutal. Just brutal. I’m tempted to say neither, and go with death, but that would be cheating. So what’s worse? I’m not really a big sneezer. Like you know how some people are just born sneezers. That’s not me. I sneeze maybe 10 times a year, tops. So the sensation of having to sneeze is much more foreign than feeling like I have to fart. Feeling like I have to fart happens anytime I enter a situation where it is socially unacceptable to fart. Walk into a meeting, gotta fart. Get into an elevator, gotta fart. Its uncanny. So I guess with that said its sneeze all the way. I’ll just think of pineapples all day everyday to get me to stop feeling like I have to sneeze. Learned that trick from Pete and Pete back in the day.

Pick - Always having to sneeze