Would You Rather Skip instead of walk or run instead of walk everywhere you go?

I hate running. Its boring, it hurts, its not fun, and people who do it for sport suck. If you run as your only form of physical activity you are basically admitting to the world that you’re a spaz and too uncoordinated to play any sport. Thats not me being mean either. Thats a fact. Everyone is laughing at you behind your back because you cant catch a ball or make it rain from 3. Fact. But, with that said, I think I would choose running here for one reason. Whenever you see a guy running in work clothes or regular street clothes you think 1 of 2 things. 1) Wow, he must be super important to be running in that suit or 2) Wow, he must have just committed a crime, what a badass. So as much as running sucks, I’d rather have people think I’m super important/badass than be comfortable and have everyone think I’m a tool.

Pick - Run everywhere

Would You Rather Live The Rest Of Your Life With No Teeth Or The Rest Of Your Life With Hiccups?

I don’t think anyone can quite understand what having the hiccups forever would feel like? It has to be the most frustrating feeling in the world. I get ripshit mad when I have the hiccups for over 10 minutes. And yes I totally understand the importance of fully functioning teeth but plenty of people live without teeth. The whole south lives without teeth. So to me this is a no-brainer. I’ll take no teeth and move to Florida. Besides, think of some of the benefits of having no teeth. No one can kick your teeth in during a bar room brawl. You can do as much meth as you want without the fear of losing your teeth. Sounds like the world is your oyster when you’re teethless. No one expects anything out of you, ever.

Pick - No Teeth.

Would You Rather Be Puked On Once Or Have Every Cup Of Soup You Eat For The Rest Of Your Life Have Urine In It?

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Who the fuck eats soup anyway? I feel like soup is for french people and the elderly. Have you ever seen a normal adult eat a cup of soup? Yeah me neither. Soup people give me the creeps. Eat a meal. Or better yet have  some chili. But soup? No thanks. So this one is real easy for me. As much as I love getting vomited on I’ll choose the soup and never eat another drop of soup again in my life. Basically no change from my current life.

Pick - Urine in my soup

Would You Rather Run Your Tongue Down 10 Feet Of New York City Pavement Or Stick Your Tongue Directly Into A Stranger’s Nostril.

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Whats the chances if you run your tongue down a NYC block you’ll end up licking some form of bodily fluid? It has to be 100% right? Blood, shit, piss, jizz. Something along those 10 feet will be on your tongue by the end. Its inevitable. So is that worth possibly getting sick from someone’s nose? I feel like it is. Because putting your tongue in someone elses nose isnt about getting sick, its about being a booger eater. Everyone knew the kid growing up, the one who would secretly eat his own boogers, and even though we’ve all “hypothetically” grown up, the booger eater will always be the booger eater. He could be president or travel to Mars but at the end of the day he’ll still be that kid who ate his own boogers. So at the risk of becoming that guy I’ll take that block, cross my fingers, and pray for piss/poop instead of blood/jizz.

Pick - Tongue on a NYC block.

Would You Rather Run Head First Into A Rhino’s Butthole Or Lay Under A Giraffe While Its Giving Live Birth.

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I guess I should have expected this when I first started Would You Rather. Shits naturally going to get weird. And as weird as this one seems I actually think its a no-brainer. Watching a live birth is just about the most disgusting thing you can do. I don’t care if its a Giraffe live birth and Giraffes are cute as fuck. The birthing process is gross. If it was up to me we would all just go back to the whole stork delivering a baby myth. Way better visual.

Pick - Head first into a Rhino’s Butt

h/t Big Daddy

Would You Rather Have A Tarantula In Your House For The Rest Of Your Life Or A Snake?

Both of these things scare the fuck out of me. Could you imagine just sitting on your couch and having a tarantula crawl on the back of your neck. Or taking a piss and seeing a snake slither out from behind the toilet? I’d probably die right on the spot. But at the end of the day if you had to have one or the other and you weren’t allowed to kill either whats the choice? On one hand a tarantula moves slower therefore I feel like you could avoid it if you constantly were moving. But on the other, the tarantula can climb walls and drop on your face. Mortifying or if you’re a stuck up dickhead when it comes to english rules, Scary.

So as crazy as living with a snake sounds, I think that’s the only option here. Just stand on chairs for the rest of your life and let the snake do whatever it is snakes do.

Pick - Living with a snake

Would You Rather Unexpectedly Wind Up In Jail Or The Hospital?

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So you wake up one morning, no clue what happened, no clue how you got there, no clue why you got there. Jail or Hospital? As crazy as this sounds I think I would rather wake up in jail for one simple reason. If you’re in jail, you know you had fun at some point along the way and although it sucks to be in jail at least you aren’t a pussy. Whereas if you’re in a hospital its not only gross because hospitals are disgusting, but at some point in your journeys your body just gave up on you and got you hospitalized. Unacceptable. Not to mention, as Ive said many times before, chicks dig guys with felonies. Thats just science.

Pick - Jail

Send Would You Rathers to [email protected]

Have Pink Eye for the rest of your life or have a tattoo on your face?

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You ever have one of those hungover mornings where you wake up and look in the mirror and your eyes are completely bloodshot and look like shit. Then you convince yourself that you 100% have pink eye and start retracing your steps trying to figure out who’s butthole you put your eyeball in. Well I think that would have to be the play here. Just tell everyone its not pink eye, that you just party too hard and get really bad hangovers. Kind of get instant respect right there. Whereas having a tattoo on your face really only works if you aspire to be a professional boxer or drug dealer. Kind of limits your options in life.

Pick - Pink Eye

Send Would You Rather suggestions to [email protected]. And make them at least somewhat difficult, not like the one I got emailed yesterday.

Would you rather never be able to read another book or see another movie?

Spend A Week Vacation Alone With James Gumb (Buffalo Bill) Or Francis Dolarhyde (The Tooth Fairy)?

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The ultimate creepfest here. Just two of the most evil/perverse minds out there. I think their craziness is a wash. Both clearly have a screw loose. So the tiebreaker in my mind comes down to Francis Dolarhyde’s strength, guy is ripped to shit, vs. the likelihood of Buffalo Bill getting naked, tucking his dick in, and walking around with his mangina. It would be creepy to have to watch Buffalo Bill act like a pervert but at least you know that when push comes to shove you could probably take him in a fight. No such luck for the tooth fairy, he’d probably just strap you in a wheelchair and fuck with you for a week straight like he did to Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

Pick - Buffalo Bill (I’m already creeped out)

Would You Rather Marry Winnie Cooper Or Topenga?

Heavyweight fight right here. Two of the on screen girls any kid growing up in the 90′s had a serious crush on. I’m giving the slight edge to Winnie on looks, something about that foreign but I don’t know where she’s from look. But as for personalities, Winnie always struck me as stuck up, like she always thought she could do better. Whereas Topenga on the other hand, sexy as hell in her own right, is a lot more grounded. I mean she passed up Yale for Pennbrook College. Who the fuck does that? Only cool chicks.

Pick - Topenga

PS - I just remembered Topenga proposed to Cory. Yikes, talk about cracking the whip, you think that type of girl will let you watch 10 hours of football on Sunday? Hell no.

I’m changing my vote to Karen Foster from Step by Step.