(The Sun) - A British teenager who sent an email to the White House calling President Obama an obscenity was banned from America for life, The Sun reported Monday.

The FBI asked local cops to tell college student Luke Angel, 17, his drunken insult was “unacceptable.”

Angel said he fired off a single email criticizing the U.S. government after seeing a TV program about the 9/11 attacks.

He said, “I don’t remember exactly what I wrote as I was drunk. But I think I called Barack Obama a [expletive]. It was silly — the sort of thing you do when you’re a teenager and have had a few.”

Angel, of Bedford, in central England, said it was “a bit extreme” for the FBI to act. “The police came and took my picture and told me I was banned from America forever. I don’t really care but my parents aren’t very happy.”

A Bedford Police spokesman confirmed they had spoken to Angel about the email. Officers will take no criminal action.

Joanne Ferreira, of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, said there are about 60 reasons a person can be barred from visiting America.

She said, “We are prohibited from discussing specific cases.”

Hey Sha Zukang, you better watch your ass bro. See what happens when you talk shit about America, boom, banned. This kid didn’t even know what hit him. One minute he’s thinking he is some internet tough guy, probably thought he was pwning the shit out of Obama, and next thing you know he is permanently banned from the greatest country in the entire world. Hey Luke Angel, have fun surviving when the rest of world sinks into the ocean and America is literally the last place on earth. If theres one thing America knows how to do its a good boycott. Cuba, North Korea, and now Luke Angel. You just got your ass kicked out of the cool kid’s party, deal with it.

PS

I wish they publicized that list, you know, so old Big Cat could tow the company line. Committing crimes is one thing but getting kicked out of America is easily my worst nightmare.

PPS
Since when could you just email Obama? How the fuck does that work? Do you think Obama saw that email from Luke Angel at like 3 am and got all pissed off, throwing shit and having a temper tantrum?

I bet obama has a hotmail account or something weird like that. And you can bet your ass Michelle has that password, she’s got old barry on lockdown 24/7.

(Newser) – Food scientists told him it couldn’t be done, but after much experimenting Texas chef Mark Zable proved them wrong and invented deep-fried beer. His ravioli-like creation, to be unveiled at the Texas State Fair, contains beer inside a pocket of pretzel dough. The beer remains alcoholic after the frying, and authorities have ruled people need to be 21 to try it, the Telegraph reports.

“Nobody has been able to fry a liquid before,” says Zable, who has filed a patent application for the cooking process. “It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of beer.” Zable’s previous creations include chocolate-covered strawberry waffle balls and jalapeno corndog shrimp.

Well its been fun America. Really it was a great ride, pushing the envelope, inventing fatter and fatter products. But all fun must end right? And Mark Zable just TKO’d the fattening food game. He was like Dirk Diggler whipping out his elephant dick in Boogie Nights, game over. There’s nowhere to go from here. You literally can’t do better. Beer is the greatest thing in the world, and the only way you could ever make it better is to fry it. Done and Done. It’s just sad how jaded we’ll become. People will keep inventing but I’ll never get that feeling back again, the feeling I got the first time I heard about fried beer.

PS

I love that nobody has ever been able to fry liquid before and then an American comes along and dominates the shit out it. If that doesn’t sum up how awesome we are then I don’t know what does. Roll the music…

(NewsCore) - A British man refused entry into the U.K. because he put on 70 pounds was considering taking legal action against border officials Sunday.

Border control authorities barred Derrick Agyeman, 37, from returning to the U.K. after he spent a weekend with friends in Amsterdam.

They said he was not the same person as in the one in his nine-year-old passport photograph because of differences in the thickness of the his ears and lips.

But the photograph was different because he gained 70 pounds since it was taken.

Agyeman was forced to stay in Amsterdam for three months before he was allowed back in the country.

He lost an appeal in Britain’s High Court this month over his treatment by the country’s Foreign Office in the bungled case in August 2006.

Agyeman said, “I cry when I think about what happened to me.”

The Foreign Office said it was unable to comment because Agyeman was considering an appeal.

Fucking Great Britain man, always thinking their shit don’t stink. Newsflash UK, this isn’t the 17th century, you don’t run shit anymore. You don’t get to make the rules denying people entry into your country that’s America’s job.

So don’t worry Derrik Agyeman I’m sure all this will be sorted out in due time and if its not, you can always come to America. We don’t turn down fat people, fat people are basically our national mascot at this point. We rejoice in fatness, its what makes us so fucking awesome. So come on over to the greatest country ever and eat your fat little heart out. No one will judge you in America.

Except for that crying shit, you cry and you’re out, that’s non-negotiable.

PS

Who knew you could get fat in your ears. I think its safe to say that when you start getting fat ears it might be time to put the twinkie down and take a walk around the block.

I mean lets get real Derrik, go ahead and be fat but don’t get fat ears, no one wants to look at fat ears, fat ears are just gross.

See this is what happens when people outside of America try to go to space. They end up smashing their face on the sand looking like an idiot.

Newsflash Japan, America owns space just like it owns your ass.

Citizens who wish to make a general donation to the U.S. government may send contributions to a specific account called “Gifts to the United States.” This account was established in 1843 to accept gifts, such as bequests, from individuals wishing to express their patriotism to the United States. Money deposited into this account is for general use by the federal government and can be available for budget needs. These contributions are considered an unconditional gift to the government.

I wonder if they accept broken X-Box’s? Does that count as a bequest? Sure sounds like one. So to further prove my undying love for my country I bequest my broken X-Box to America.

Pretty sure it’s a rule that if you give a gift you can commit any crime you want*

*The great thing about having my own blog is that I can put anything on the internet, and everyone knows that if its on the internet it has to be true.

VS.

Yes, the latest assault on America’s waistline comes in the form of Friendly’s recently launched Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt. Move over, Double Down, there’s a new “something with far more calories than bread as a bun” sandwich in town.

Friendly’s gastronomical innovation is not without precedent. The Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt appears to be inspired by similar “Fatty Melts” and “Chubby Melts” that have been served in the South for a few years now (source), as well as the Midwest.

Hey KFC how does Friendly’s ass taste? Just a straight jam to the grill piece when it comes to awesome sandwiches. You want to use chicken as bread? Fine, we’ll use double bread as bread and add cheese. I love it, and I pray to god that this creates a nuclear arms race between all the fast food companies. Your move McDonalds, I know you have some mad scientists concocting some sandwich that will kill the majority of Americans, and I am eagerly awaiting its release.

In all seriousness though, this is why America is the greatest place in the world. We’re fucking cowboys, trailblazers, innovators. Like yeah we know obesity is a sweeping epidemic in our country but who gives a fuck we’re going to eat and its going to be awesome. So to the rest of the world always hating, I get it, I would be pissed too if I lived in a pussy country that didn’t do awesome shit like put a burger in between two grill cheesed sandwiches.

Obesity and Dominating Soccer Matches, that’s what America Does.

Someone do me a favor and run my song.

Council Tries To Seize ‘Vegetarian’ Child

(NewsCore) - A U.K. couple won a legal battle to prevent the authorities taking their five-year-old son into care after it was claimed his health was damaged by a meat-and-dairy-free diet, The (London) Sunday Times reported.

The local social services authority in Lewisham, London, even tried to get police to investigate the family and threatened to seize the boy’s two older siblings during a two-year ordeal.

The parents, Ken and Marie, were forced to represent themselves in court after their legal aid was removed — simply because they insisted on contesting the case.

Last week a family court judge removed an interim supervision order on the child previously obtained by social workers and ruled that he must be taken off the at-risk register.

“It has been a nightmare and we feel our experience should serve as a warning that the system is being used to try to break up innocent families,” said Marie, 40, a trainee aromatherapist from Lewisham in London.

Marie and Ken’s ordeal began in March 2008 when their son, then aged three, collapsed at home.

Only after he was rushed to the Evelina children’s hospital in Waterloo, central London, was it discovered that he appeared to be suffering from rickets, with very low levels of vitamin D, zinc and iron. He also had a bronchial condition.

Do you know what’s a nightmare? the fact that these people are keeping meat away from their child. Only in UK I guess. Which is fine by me, they can keep raising a country full of pussies while we grow them strong in America. I mean the proof is in the pudding. On one side you have the UK and the rest of the world eating “responsibly” and “healthy” and on the other you have the greatest country in the history of the world eating McDonalds, Burger King and Pizza. Seems like our way is working just fine, I mean we’re not the ones always looking for bailouts and help when we get in a jam. Americans get in a jam and we eat our way out of it, I can’t remember the last time I even heard the term bailout, just not in our fucking vocabulary.

So while the rest of the world keeps starving their children we’ll just keep kicking ass. Fuck, I think this new double down chicken from KFC will probably single handely extend our empire by another 1,000 years. They should be serving it in an American flag, thing is that Awesome.

So I was watching TV last night and this commercial came on and my blood has literally not stopped boiling since. Seriously, What the fuck is this?

I’m embarassed for America if Nintendo is really trying to sell cooking as a video game. I play video games so I can escape reality and not have to deal with stupid shit like cooking, and taking out the trash. Now youre polluting our kids into thinking this shit is fun? How dare you.

Hey kids I’ll teach you about cooking, its called press 5 minutes in the microwave and then hit start. Boom, whatever you’re hungry for cooked to perfection. America is going in the wrong direction if we’re making cooking games. Give me violence, blood, guts, and beating up hookers otherwise you can kiss our number 1 ranking in the world goodbye.

PS

If my sister ever talked to me like that I would have thrown that chicken cutlet right in her grill. Listen bitch, I said I was tenderizing the meat not terrorizing it, you want to see terrorism I’ll show you some terrorism.

PPS

Why the hell is the dad in the kitchen? Shouldnt he be drinking beers and watching the game? This commercial is all kinds of fucked up, just totally unrealistic.

Well this day officially already sucks and it hasn’t even really started. I’m starting to get sick and tired of getting our asses handed to us by the Japanese in everything. It sucks that theyre awesome at baseball and have cool swords but this is just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Why couldnt we think of that? You take the best drink, beer, and add the coolest activity in the world, cigarettes, and you have the greatest thing in the world. I mean everyone knows that beer is awesome and people who smoke are cool.

The thing that really kills me is that I love Georgia Black and everytime i drink it I have at least a dozen Marlboro Ice Mints. So why didnt I think of this? Looks like I let everyone down on this one. This should have been on Business Idea Fridays. So my bad guys, I’m going to work harder from here on out. Because make no mistake the Japanese are up on us right now, theyre even using our cowboys to sell their shit, but we’ll be back, guaranteed.

Simon Andrews Faces Jail for Giving the Finger

(CANVAS STAFF REPORTS) - An alleged obscene gesture has a British man facing a possible six months in jail in Dubai.

The Daily Mail reports that police arrested Simon Andrews, 56, for public indecency after an Iraqi aviation student complained.

The two were arguing when Andrews allegedly stuck his middle finger up at 18-year-old Mahmud Rasheed.

The Daily Mail reported that Andrews was arrested for outraging public decency in August. He has been banned from leaving the country because he faces trial.

The New York Daily News reported that Andrews denies he made any offensive gesture. The Iraqi has not appeared in court against him and there are no witnesses, the Daily News reported a court source told the British Sun newspaper.

He has another court date on April 4.

The blog ” Life In Dubai ” by Seabee calls the media reports sensational and states that there is an “underlying problem that needs to be highlighted and discussed.”

Seabee specifically refers to the British newspaper The Sun, which he states calls Dubai’s Islamic laws “draconian” and its code “medieval.”

“In this part of the world society takes a personal insult very, very seriously,” he wrote. “So seriously that it’s a criminal offence which can lead to jail, and deportation for foreigners. Not ‘medieval, draconian Islamic’ but a reflection of the society’s take on personal insults.

“As always, it’s a case of needing to understand the culture of the place you’re in and acting accordingly.”

Seabee does go on to criticize Dubai’s legal system, questioning how people can be arrested, charged and barred from leaving the country on only the word of an accuser – even when the accuser doesn’t arrive in court.

The New York Daily News reported that this wasn’t the first case of a British resident running afoul of Dubai’s laws.

A British couple is appealing a jail sentence that they received for sharing a passionate kiss in a Dubai restaurant. Another British couple was sentenced to three months in jail in 2008 for having sex on a beach.

Not going to lie I didn’t even read this article and I have no clue who Simon Andrews is. I just saw the title and was stunned by such a travesty. I literally had to pick my chin up off the floor just thinking that I live in a world where somewhere it is illegal to flip the bird.

Remind me never to go to Dubai because giving the finger is the most American thing  out there. Giving the finger is one of my favorite things to do, right up there with picking unnecessary fights at the bar and cutting small children in line. Ive even gotten pulled over for giving a cop the finger, do I regret it? FUCK and NO

So nice try Dubai, keep showing us your flashy buildings and man made beaches because after that your country sucks. If you cant give the finger to a guy who cuts you off in traffic I don’t care how big your houses are, that’s no way to live your life. Just being all corteous to people and holding your feelings inside. If I wanted to do that I’d move to Canada and live my life as a passive maple syrup drinking pussy.